Discussion How did you spend Christmas, while being suicidal?

[Xebsora29]

Perhaps it's due to my depression, lack of energy, or self-destructive thoughts, but I was not feeling the Christmas spirit this time. Typically I'll spend it with my family but being surrounded by them while having these thoughts, prompt me to take a step back. It appears that most of my siblings are quite aware of my mental state, so I'm attempting to avoid all cost of confrontation with those that I haven't conversed with. It's also just being in my hometown to be quite honest here. Too much memories, recollections, and events that lead to adversity and distress for me. Maybe it's due to that fear of persecution, or simply being around them knowing that they are aware of my circumstances.

Anyways I've been laying in bed throughout the day, reading books and watching films as the hours of Christmas spirit tick by. What about you?

 

[TrailerTrash]

Eating every hour, drinking liquor, not really caring about anything. Wishing I was gone ....

 

[Carina]

I spent it honestly: like it'll be my last one with them. They don't know it, but doesn't matter, I do.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Eating a lot, being bored, lying in bed, though I did go on a walk in the evening...
Like every other day.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I spent the first part of my day taking care of my sick cat and then the last part with my family. I watched my nephew play with his toys and he opened my presents for me (he's 4). I got a 23andme genetics test, but I'm not sure if I want to take the test. The last thing I want right now is to find out that my heritage is all a lie. I messaged my crush to see how he was doing, he's suicidal and plans to ctb tonight. Obviously since I'm not about to beg him to stay alive or anything, I just told him that I wished him peace and that I liked him (wasn't about to let him die without telling him, ya know? heh). I will know tonight whether or not he finds peace, until then I'm just going to listen Hey Arnold on tv and scroll through here because I'm alone and it's lonely.

 

[Jean4]

Been here all day. Didn't get out of bed, and using every last bit of strength not to OD.

 

[Ark]

Fighting. I spent it fighting for the sake of my family so I don't ruin this holiday for them in the future.

 

[Skyview]

On my own , hanging around here and having a glass or three of wine , today for some reason I'm not letting anything get to me , tomorrow is another day !

 

[Tiedie]

Working alllll day, was surrounded by dogs so pretty great.

 

[Mizzmini45]

High on Xanax

 

[Tiedie]

Oh and high on weed :)

 

[maybeimalreadydead]

Drinking whiskey, smoking pot, numbing it out. "I will not kill myself on Christmas.... I will not kill myself on Christmas......"

 

[Jean4]

Fighting. I spent it fighting for the sake of my family so I don't ruin this holiday for them in the future.

Was thinking of you all day. Glad you made it through.

 

[Ark]

And I you. Glad to see you here still watching out for me Jean

 

[Titania]

Very uneventful Christmas not able to get gifts this year because loss of job. Trying my best to be happy today but my thoughts won't allow me. Been sleeping all day and not doing much pretty much. I want to ctb already. It's so difficult.

 

[waterbottleman]

I'm good at hiding my depression so no one knows.

I'm one of those people who appears happy on the outside but on the inside feels soulless and dead like a black hole.

 

[Farmmaa]

Same as the last 8 years... except that my pup is not here with me this year.
Alone all day, opened my gifts from my kids. Cried a lot.
Making myself my annual one person turkey dinner... mostly just so that I can have turkey sandwiches all week.

The hardest part was trying to sound cheerful and upbeat when the kids called so that they would worry less

 

[Jean4]

Same as the last 8 years... except that my pup is not here with me this year.
Alone all day, opened my gifts from my kids. Cried a lot.
Making myself my annual one person turkey dinner... mostly just so that I can have turkey sandwiches all week.

The hardest part was trying to sound cheerful and upbeat when the kids called so that they would worry less

I'm glad you are here with us.

 

[purplemoon]

Been here all day. Didn't get out of bed, and using every last bit of strength not to OD.

I'm sorry you've had a very difficult day, I sympathize. I had a mixed day myself, and it's very serious trying to OD, I hear you. I've done that too, I was hoped for a really nice coma.

I hope you're OK, as silly as that sounds here. I mean if you didn't catch the bus tonight, I hope that you at least don't have to deal with too many after effects.

I got pretty frustrated just an hour ago thinking about how there's so much struggle, suffering, stress, exhaustion, and all for what?!?

I totally hear you. You're not alone.

 

[Skyview]

Very uneventful Christmas not able to get gifts this year because loss of job. Trying my best to be happy today but my thoughts won't allow me. Been sleeping all day and not doing much pretty much. I want to ctb already. It's so difficult.

This is why I want to ctb , let me explain , I have my own business and some weeks are great others not so much , Donate to animal sanctuary's because I love all creatures , I donate to Kiva to help others in other countries and I'm going to tell you why I want to ctb , I'm sick of it , sick of watching good people getting destroyed by the greed and corruption , sure there are assholes out there but the good people outnumber them tenfold . This isn't living it's survival mode for many and they don't have the energy anymore , it breaks my heart to see good people destroyed therefore I am getting out of here , my bus is en-route and within the next two weeks I shall go to the bus stop .

 

[Tinhoo]

I am so alone, feeling so alone
I am at my badroom almost crying I hate myself :(

 

[Livinginhell]

In bed sleeping the day away x

 

[Morphinekiss]

I planned to sleep the day away. Ended up cooking for loved ones on and off, because it made me smile. Now they've left and I don't remember what the point was; always alone at the end.

 

[waterbottleman]

I planned to sleep the day away. Ended up cooking for loved ones on and off, because it made me smile. Now they've left and I don't remember what the point was; always alone at the end.

Being an adult sucks so bad.

Miss being a kid when it was easy to hang out with friends and have a good time.

Ultimately though I miss being naive and oblivious to how complicated and difficult life really is. I miss how much more simple everything is when you're a kid.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I spent most of my time alone in bed with a few extra Xanax and I hung out on here some and with my dog.

Being an adult sucks so bad.

Miss being a kid when it was easy to hang out with friends and have a good time.

Ultimately though I miss being naive and oblivious to how complicated and difficult life really is. I miss how much more simple everything is when you're a kid.

I really feel this. I miss being a kid (age 12 and under). Ignorance was bliss. I miss how happy I was at Christmas despite my family fighting and yelling. Everything truly was more simple.

 

[Throwawaysoul]

Fighting back tears and playing stardew valley.

 

[Rushon]

Drinking and watching movies about people with cancer dying (I recently had my prostate cancer come back for the 2nd time, girlfriend could not deal and left), The Fault in Our Stars and Me Earl and the Dying Girl. This day was one of the hardest I had to go through. I am a guy and all I seem to do is cry.

At the cancer center I met so many people that the most important people in their lives left. Why is this? What is wrong with people on this earth?

 

[realjunes]

This is why I want to ctb , let me explain , I have my own business and some weeks are great others not so much , Donate to animal sanctuary's because I love all creatures , I donate to Kiva to help others in other countries and I'm going to tell you why I want to ctb , I'm sick of it , sick of watching good people getting destroyed by the greed and corruption , sure there are assholes out there but the good people outnumber them tenfold . This isn't living it's survival mode for many and they don't have the energy anymore , it breaks my heart to see good people destroyed therefore I am getting out of here , my bus is en-route and within the next two weeks I shall go to the bus stop .

Skyview, you are so right. The greed and corruption and the disregard for suffering is literally too much to bear. Thank you for expressing that feeling here.

I felt the same way. I felt like complete crap, I'm in the stage of breaking up with my boyfriend. Ugh. I laid in bed until 3:30 pm, I actually had a headache because the night before I stayed up until 4 am with my younger brother we drink alcohol and played the ps4 together so I'm trying to spend a lot of time with him because he is visiting for the holidays. I been faking it however my mother knows I have depression, as I was diagnosed in high school and also been to a therapist before. Right now I just wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit today, eventually I went down the steps to greet everyone and the family as everyone was at my house, I do work and go to school but my mind is killing me and eating me alive. My will to live is being cannibalized by depression. Today I just kept imagining myself jumping off a bridge I really wanted that, however I knew today would pass. It's the worse feeling, stay strong everyone

What a poignant expression of sadness you give us. It sounds strange to thank you, but your language touched me and I know it wll touch others, and I hope in turn you will feel appreciated for sharing. That will not solve your woes, but in this moment you may have unknowingly, but meaningfully touched another person, so thank you.

 

[Time]

Stayed in my room per usual. My sister always visits us on holidays & I always try to stay out of sight as much as I can. I love her & do enjoy seeing her but I usually try to hide in my room when she's around. I've always felt less than compared to her & I usually feel awkward because I'm a different person when around her in front of our parents. Because of this, the fact that I would have to open my gift in front of them without having a gift for any of them, & feeling lower than ever, I fought with idea of going down there to say hi & hug her even though I know it's the last time that I'm going to see her... But she actually came up to my room to give me my present & a hug... She rarely comes up but she actually came up today... I gave her a big, loving hug & tried my best to act like I was okay. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to hug my parents before I ctb without arousing suspicion but I used that as motivation to go down & give them both a hug!!! Under the guise of "the spirit of Christmas"!

She does have a way of bringing the happy side of me out. She's awesome... I got to hug them all... Fucking life... SMH.

 

[realjunes]

Drinking and watching movies about people with cancer dying (I recently had my prostate cancer come back for the 2nd time, girlfriend could not deal and left), The Fault in Our Stars and Me Earl and the Dying Girl. This day was one of the hardest I had to go through. I am a guy and all I seem to do is cry.

At the cancer center I met so many people that the most important people in their lives left. Why is this? What is wrong with people on this earth?

Rushon. I appreciate you sharing as you did as a man. I am a guy too and I totally baffle myself when I began to cry, after a lifetime of stoicism. I have concluded that my breakdowns has been brought about by loss, in whatever form it takes, and we are simply not equipped for these losses and society makes us feel bad about it. Losing a significant person is loss, whether the person leaves dead or alive. It is just horrible and upsets our nature. I am truly sorry for what has happened in your life and I will keep you in mind in the most difficult of times for you, my friend. I want to give you an uncomfortable, for a male, hug.