How did you know that your life was over?

[Hel]

When I realised that if I can't have the love I want and need, nothing else matters. I understood that a magician could come and tell me "you will have a grat career, your amazing friends on your side, everything fine with your family, no money troubles, do a lot of trips... But you will never be with the love of my ife" and I would want to die. There is nothing in my future that could motivate me enough, I don't want to ive with my heart destroyed forever. I accepted this two years ago and I've been wanting to die 90% of the time since then. I wish I have done it the first time I thought about it, I would have saved myself lots of pain. But I didn't have the guts, I still don't... And this is killing me, I feel trapped "here". I need to die and I am not capable of CTB

 

[TAW122]

When I realized that not only are my dreams crushed (dreamt of once being a superstar musician, either in the classical world or the popular/subculture world-- as a pianist), knowing that most of my adult life (until old age, disease, and/or infirmity takes hold) will be slaving away to make a living just to exist and even the small vacations or respites in life do not outweigh the sufferings of day to day life. Then stack on the fact that I was born and later diagnosed with Aspergers, had social anxiety and general anxiety, which cripples my day to day life even more. To add more insult to injury, I am an Asian American male born in the US, which we know that that puts me in a serious disadvantage when compared to other peers of my age. Then there are issues outside of my control, such as the injustices of the world, how society is anti-suicide and anti-choice when it comes to many things (including censoring discussion of pro-choice of one's life, bodily autonomy), then the hypocrisy of society and people in general, etc.

There are many other reasons too, including personal ones, but these are the major ones that made me see that life just plain sucks in general and I am only existing currently because I haven't reached that threshold of death (yet). Life sucks, but at least I'm just barely tolerating existence for the time being.

 

[not_a_robot]

When I realized that not only are my dreams crushed (dreamt of once being a superstar musician, either in the classical world or the popular/subculture world-- as a pianist), knowing that most of my adult life (until old age, disease, and/or infirmity takes hold) will be slaving away to make a living just to exist and even the small vacations or respites in life do not outweigh the sufferings of day to day life. Then stack on the fact that I was born and later diagnosed with Aspergers, had social anxiety and general anxiety, which cripples my day to day life even more. To add more insult to injury, I am an Asian American male born in the US, which we know that that puts me in a serious disadvantage when compared to other peers of my age. Then there are issues outside of my control, such as the injustices of the world, how society is anti-suicide and anti-choice when it comes to many things (including censoring discussion of pro-choice of one's life, bodily autonomy), then the hypocrisy of society and people in general, etc.

There are many other reasons too, including personal ones, but these are the major ones that made me see that life just plain sucks in general and I am only existing currently because I haven't reached that threshold of death (yet). Life sucks, but at least I'm just barely tolerating existence for the time being.

I hate to minimize your problems, but every time you say "Asian American male with Asperger's", my heart flutters a little.
(Yellow Fever)

 

[Quinlor]

When you realized that nobody cares about you and nothing more matters.

 

[Stillness N Woe]

The day my 12 year old daughter died. June 4, 2019.

 

[Nem]

When my dr nearly killed me with absolutely shitty meds that I should've never ever taken and I should've told my ex to fuck off when she demanded I keep taking them and nearly died two weeks later
Peace

 

[HGL91]

At 23 I had what looked like a great job and a great future ahead. A beautiful guy in my office got a crush on me and he was so perfect, everything I wanted. And I realized every time I thought of trying to explain my life and my feelings about it, to him or any other person, that it would just make more sense to die, because trying to connect with anyone was pointless. Every time we were together I would become unable to speak, which he mistook for silent disapproval of him (like his mother's), which only made him more determined to win my love. The whole thing was such a stupid misunderstanding, and there was no way I could explain it to him. He eventually quit his job over it. So did I. Major suicide fuel. Not him in particular, just realizing how impossible it was to make myself understood, even to a man who I worshipped and who *thought* he worshipped me. The impossibility of all human communication.
Shortly after, I just said "To hell with life, to hell with my job, if I can't manage to kill myself, I need to take a job more likely to get me killed."
So I became a prostitute. The job did not kill me, just made me wish I was dead every day (which was nothing new, just more intense).

It's also relevant that the company the guy and I worked for was very corrupt, about to be the cause of a major nationwide economic crash. I kept trying to tell people this and nobody believed me because they all thought the company stock price was going up, up, up, forever.
Of course I was eventually proven right. Being right and nobody believing me just made me want to die even more. I was done with corporate jobs at that point. I was the youngest employee in my office and every time I tried to show the others our accounting flaws, they would laugh at me and say I was crazy, "Oh, Chicken Little, Chicken Little, you always think the sky is falling, ha ha ha!"
A year later the sky fell, those morons lost their pensions and 401k, and none of them ever even thanked me afterward, for trying to warn them. I decided right then, I would never work for anyone except myself ever again, even if that meant being a whore.

Wow. You could write a book!

 

[Dawn0071111]

When I realized that I'm just a little girl child trapped in a grown womens body, frustrated with faking and failing at "grown up adult" life... When I realized I need somebody else to meet my needs and the thought of meeting my own unmet needs is reprehensible to me. Im a kid, how can I? I'm 40 and feel doomed to forever search for mommy & daddy....

 

[Laststop]

When I realized that I'm just a little girl child trapped in a grown womens body, frustrated with faking and failing at "grown up adult" life... When I realized I need somebody else to meet my needs and the thought of meeting my own unmet needs is reprehensible to me. Im a kid, how can I? I'm 40 and feel doomed to forever search for mommy & daddy....

I so relate to this. It's the kind of thing you can't tell other people. I just want to be a kid, and not have to worry about things. Pisses people off. But I can dream.

 

[not_a_robot]

Wow. You could write a book!

lol yes. A terrible, horrible book.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

lol yes. A terrible, horrible book.

Feel so sorry for you. I can't communicate either. I just find it so difficult.

 

[not_a_robot]

Feel so sorry for you. I can't communicate either. I just find it so difficult.

Yeah, well. I scored very high on every cognitive/linguistic test I ever took, which makes it even more frustrating. I know my "communication problems" are not really *my* problems at all. Somehow that makes it so much worse. If the problem was with me, I could fix it. But I can't make the people around me any less stupid.

 

[Broken Chimera]

When I was pigeonholed into bs I couldn't control. I could've had everything. But the things that happened destroyed any chance at a future. At this point, I don't even want it anymore. I just want out.

 

[262653]

To add more insult to injury, I am an Asian American male born in the US, which we know that that puts me in a serious disadvantage when compared to other peers of my age.

How that is a disadvantage?? I'm neither Asian nor American, nor I was born in the US.

 

[Vegrau]

When you realize even if everyone around die right here and now. You wont feel a thing. You might even feel relieved.

 

[not_a_robot]

How that is a disadvantage?? I'm neither Asian nor American, nor I was born in the US.

He thinks women don't like Asian guys, or the ones who do are all repulsive, like me.

 

[Vegetto]

When I asked myself what future me would appreciate the most. The answer was to not be alive. Then I realized I wished I'd gotten it over with when I was younger so I wouldn't have to be dealing with this now. I should've done it the day I developed this illness.

 

[262653]

He thinks women don't like Asian guys, or the ones who do are all repulsive, like me.

I don't see him explicitly or implicitly state that... Oh, I'm reading between the lines and not in a good way. Even if most people find you highly repulsive, you can't just distribute that repulsivity evenly among everyone and expect the same results. Well, there might be a strong overlap but still not congruent!

 

[Caycee]

I was in the 8th grade when I first realized the pointlessness of it all, I watched as other people easily fit into the world, while I was too nervous to even sit in the classroom, my head started to go to the thought of what would people think if I had a terminal illness? Would they actually start to care about me?

I continued on this line of thinking until, eventually I came up with the idea of ctb, my first attempt was when I was 15, (but it wasn't much of an attempt) I wrote a letter, put it in a zip lock bag, and went to the bridge, I started to look over the edge and I got nervous someone would stop me so I kept walking around the bridge, until a security guard stopped me and told me that I couldn't be there. I got really scared so I left the bridge and went home. I thought if I was honest and told my mom I felt this way I could possibly escape this poisonous mindset I've been trapped in. I was sent to the mental health ward at a children's hospital, they gave me some new medication and told me that everything should be better now.

I've since dropped out of school just 2 months shy of graduating and I've been trying new methods to finally seek that peace I had longed for since I was 14, but nothing has worked yet. I've honestly just checked out of life years ago, I'm only here now because I still haven't had the guts to finally ctb.

I'm sorry this wasn't typed very well, I'm all out of cigarettes and I'm unbelievably stress out rn, I'm gonna go try some partial suspension again, since it seems to calm me down, even if I haven't been successful with it.

I think 8th Grade is a time of awakening. That is when my life turned upside down, and I've spent the past decades doing everything possible to try to right it, with little success. I remember reading once that when we are 13-14, our parents are usually in their early 40s and that is also a time of awakening for them. They look at their lives with dismay and can have a full on breakdown (my father did this -- his personality completely changed for the worse). They realize they hate their job, their spouse, maybe their kids, etc., and we are at their mercy. It seems to be SO socially incorrect to blame parents for anything, but I believe they are to blame for almost everything that goes wrong in a person's inner world. Infancy to toddler stage is deeply important and many women (or primary caregiver) are just not mature or intelligent enough or perhaps even interested enough to know how to interact healthfully with their small child.

 

[tothemoon]

Get those mfers pulled. Pull em all out if you have to.

For me its being robbed a life by chronic dental pain resulting from flossing. I live with sharp pains in teeth from flossing too deeply - the worst pain you can imagine. Its like electric switches all over my face.

This is no fucking way to live.

 

[wendydong1]

i lived almost 40 years, really want to be with someone for the first time. and then he told me he would never marry me, we would never be together. and he told me to fuck you and fuck your money...

 

[262653]

I don't know, but looking back I can see some stable patterns pointing out my preference for death and sleep since childhood, long before I started contemplating suicide. Like forgetting myself in a videogame or a movie. Never more I wanted to settle myself in life, get a degree, find a girlfriend, make a career. I am convinced that life is a bunch of blocks pushing each other, and that that only God (sum of all blocks) can possibly have free will. That we individually (inseparably) may have a choice, but our choice is not free/independent. That we don't get independent choice on whether or not our lives are enjoyable and feel worthwhile. Or that we don't get independent choice on whether we get to experience living through one subsystem or another.

I've read a little about psychological manipulation recently, a certain type. The manipulator presents to the victim a situation that looks like it reflects the victim's view, but is actually modified the way that would incite the victim to behave in a manner beneficial to the manipulator. Just as life as a whole (one bunch of blocks, influenced by another bunch, blocks of which aren't necessary mutually exclusive, influenced by another bunch...) presents us the sequences of situations, to which we respond with the sequences of choices based on a framework given and influenced by one bunch of blocks, influenced by another bunch... I'm saying... I don't know what I'm trying to say. Maybe that I feel like I have to die, but I think it was already obvious... Maybe I'm trying to justify my reluctance or inability to shape the life in a desirable form, so it wouldn't look like I made independent choice to suffer, so I wont feel bad about it and cognitive dissonance it produces because I do not want to suffer... Not to say that my justification is or isn't definitely valid...

I feel like I have lost the point somewhere. I believe that my life is over (in a sense of being persistently undesirable) because I don't like it, and didn't liked for the last 15 years. Oh, but that's a tricky one. (As it usually goes.) I've made an assumption that life cannot be undesirable, which doesn't sound true, because I'm still alive and I find living to be more undesirable than not. But I hope I got what you have tried to say. I don't feel sufficient incentive or capability to build a good life.
It doesn't feel worth maintaining. It is ill-favored compared to dying and never to experience again, and this preference was persistent over the last... I don't know even how many years already.

 

[Taki]

View attachment 14106

Cos I feel this

But that can also be a true description of someone's life.

The day my 12 year old daughter died. June 4, 2019.

How terrible for you. I hope you aren't keeping to yourself. Try to stay connected to people.

 

[Mortalscreensaver]

When I realised that if I can't have the love I want and need, nothing else matters. I understood that a magician could come and tell me "you will have a grat career, your amazing friends on your side, everything fine with your family, no money troubles, do a lot of trips... But you will never be with the love of my ife" and I would want to die. There is nothing in my future that could motivate me enough, I don't want to ive with my heart destroyed forever. I accepted this two years ago and I've been wanting to die 90% of the time since then. I wish I have done it the first time I thought about it, I would have saved myself lots of pain. But I didn't have the guts, I still don't... And this is killing me, I feel trapped "here". I need to die and I am not capable of CTB

Wow I feel this exactly

 

[LMLN]

Wow I feel this exactly

This. Me too. :(

 

[wendydong1]

When I realised that if I can't have the love I want and need, nothing else matters. I understood that a magician could come and tell me "you will have a grat career, your amazing friends on your side, everything fine with your family, no money troubles, do a lot of trips... But you will never be with the love of my ife" and I would want to die. There is nothing in my future that could motivate me enough, I don't want to ive with my heart destroyed forever. I accepted this two years ago and I've been wanting to die 90% of the time since then. I wish I have done it the first time I thought about it, I would have saved myself lots of pain. But I didn't have the guts, I still don't... And this is killing me, I feel trapped "here". I need to die and I am not capable of CTB

this is exactly how I feel. That's why I am trying to CTB soon. I have parents that love me, a couple great friends, i have a dog that needs me... But this is just too painful.. too painful

 

[woxihuanni]

I think I sort of sensed it, though I did not know, when I understood that the one place I wanted to have in life was already taken.

 

[peacefully31425]

When I realized that I lack the means of advocating for myself.

 

[AShadowOnMe]

I remember realizing one day when I was in high school that it was not a question of If, it's when. 20 years later I'm hitting the point where I'm realizing that my mental state is decaying to the point where I can't take care of myself anymore. Or that said point was 2 or 3 years in the past and what feels okay to me is objectively horrifying to anyone normal. I've been swinging between a mix of Bipolar dysphoric states and psychosis for longer than I can pinpoint and the downward spiral doesn't have an end that I'd like to explore.