Discussion How did you end up feeling the way you feel right now?

[sindra]

Curious about everyone's current situation and what led to it. For me it was building up throughout the years since high school, a friend of mine killed themselves and it started going downhill from there. Started cutting myself soon after my friend passed, I would usually sh once or twice a month but I think I'm addicted now. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal atm but I did consider it before, I love my family and I feel guilty for cutting myself but at this point I can't help it, cutting became my ultimate short term solution to overthinking. Sometimes I feel like a weakling for sh which makes me feel even worse.

 

[bebeblu]

I worked in the healthcare industry for 25 years. A workplace injury 7 years ago threw me into the workers comp system, left me with ongoing symptoms that have been/ are difficult to deal with & have completely changed my life. I lost my job, my identity, my financial security, every single friend I thought I had, years of study for my 30 year career down the drain. For the past 7 years I've suffered from treatment resistant major depression with suicidal ideation & multiple attempts, I also suspect PTSD that is only just being called what it is rather than the misdiagnosis of other conditions put on me by psychiatrists who have done more harm than good over this time. I first saw them for adjustment disorder, dealing with my injury, and have come out being told what a terrible person I am. From this harmful & traumatic psych "treatment" I have lost all self confidence. I don't want to go outside. I don't deserve to go outside. I don't want to inflict my horrible personality on other people face to face. But I can't continue to live locked inside my house, speaking to no one, for the rest of my life.

 

[AkaRed]

Mostly due to loneliness and personal isolation. Depression causing my social ability to tank and just not having the energy to do anything, it's a never ending cycle really.

<3

 

[ijustwishtodie]

For me it is my neurotype and understanding what the world truly is like

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Marijuana - Psychosis - Hospital - Antipsychotics - Suicidal 24/7 - Realizing life is pointless - Even more suicidal.

 

[Vicolo cieco]

I've failed miserably in every area of life, I'm probably one of the biggest losers in the Western world. The magnitude of this failure led me to question how life works.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Destiny. I can't imagine any alternate version of events in my life that wouldn't have eventually led to me being suicidal.

 

[Forveleth]

I grew up kind of sheltered and naive so when other kids "grew up" around me in middle school I started to become a social outcast. This continued into high school and by 15 I had full blown depression. I told my parents I was lonely and sad and suicidal and they told me "just wait until college, it will get better". Getting no further support from them (sometimes even getting frustration at my mental state) I continued to sink into depression. I developed persistent depressive disorder with recurring bouts of major depression and generalized anxiety, although I wouldn't be diagnosed for another ~20 years.

My parents were somewhat authoritative. I had to do what they said, now, and not ask questions. So, when they gave me an ultimatum about going to college I agreed to go despite it not being what I wanted. College did not go well for me socially or academically and I graduated feeling like more a failure than when I started and now very sad I was heading towards a career I didn't want. I went into said career as I was too afraid of disappointing my parents to do otherwise. I ended up working for a large, soul-sucking corporation and I hate going to work every day.

I met my husband 12 years ago. Things were going fine during our first few years of dating but I realized he wasn't the one for me. I was getting ready to break it off when he came to me with a tough life situation and said if I didn't let him move in with me his life was pretty much over and he would kill himself. I let him move in and that became the worst decision I've ever made. Over the next 10 years I would lose the joy from life, my hobbies, my friends, any and all joy that came from physical intimacy (and I used to like sex A LOT), and any hope that my life could ever be anything other than a tool to keep everyone else happy.

I've watched the people who were supposed to love me the most manipulate me into doing what makes them happy and leaves me an empty shell of a human. I'm not suffering another 40-50 years on this Earth for anyone else. Yes, I could cut them all out of my life and turn things around but at this point I am just exhausted. I'm too tired and empty to keep going. I'm done.

 

[diadem99]

Just years and years of cruelty being subjected to me to the point that I have become emotionally numb and devoid of feelings and cannot continue to be alive.

 

[ikilog]

I don't know, can't even trace a beginning of this, ive been always pessimistic about future since middle school and never tried my best, its like i was already know the outcome of my decisions. Never had any dreams or picture of myself in future.

 

[itsover246]

Brain damage/PSSD from antidepressants

 

[FuneralCry]

Because sadly I was so cruelly forced into existence even know nobody can suffer from never existing at all, if it's up to me I wouldn't have chosen any of this. My wish to die is a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is. I see no value in being burdened with this existence, I see no benefit in being conscious and aware destined for nothing but to decay, be tormented by old age and die anyway when the peace of eternal nothingness solves everything.

I don't want to suffer in any way and in existence there is no limit as to how much one can suffer, for me existence itself is the true problem which can only be solved by ceasing to exist, it terrifies me how a human can potentially exist for so long, it disturbs me how one can potentially suffer so much yet not die. Having the ability to exist truly is the most hellish and harmful imposition that causes nothing but meaningless suffering, I wish I never existed more than anything, I don't want to feel anything at all.

 

[Dusk till dawn]

Being an outcast for my whole life, i was lonely for almost all my whole life, isolated, i lost my self-esteem and confidence in my very early childhood, nobody wanted to be friends with me without having ulterior motives (like wanting something from me, especially money)

Almost 2 decades of isolation and loneliness led me to having no purpose in life, there wasn't any particular event that broke me besides moving to a new city (during my early childhood i actually had friends, so losing my childhood friends was my downfall)

I can't see any particular event that could've made a different outcome where i am not suicidal, it was always a matter of time until life becomes boring and dull and empty and pointless, and it didn't take so long until i'm out of all distractions (video games, youtube, entertainment things) alone in my room evaluating my life and any possible recent important events, it wasn't hard to realise my life is boring, empty, dull, pointless, lonely, uneventful, and that i should just kill myself

 

[outrider567]

Girlfriend of 35 years suddenly died after being in the hospital for just 4 days

 

[ham and potatoes]

I'm not quite sure how I got here. Just years of anxiety and depression slowly adding up.

 

[sindra]

I worked in the healthcare industry for 25 years. A workplace injury 7 years ago threw me into the workers comp system, left me with ongoing symptoms that have been/ are difficult to deal with & have completely changed my life. I lost my job, my identity, my financial security, every single friend I thought I had, years of study for my 30 year career down the drain. For the past 7 years I've suffered from treatment resistant major depression with suicidal ideation & multiple attempts, I also suspect PTSD that is only just being called what it is rather than the misdiagnosis of other conditions put on me by psychiatrists who have done more harm than good over this time. I first saw them for adjustment disorder, dealing with my injury, and have come out being told what a terrible person I am. From this harmful & traumatic psych "treatment" I have lost all self confidence. I don't want to go outside. I don't deserve to go outside. I don't want to inflict my horrible personality on other people face to face. But I can't continue to live locked inside my house, speaking to no one, for the rest of my life.

That's rough, I can't imagine the pain you're going through, wish you the best

 

[divinemistress36]

depression since i was a kid but got a lot worse after I had a stroke from an assault 7 years ago

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Mostly, my ASD getting me into trouble again and again. The worst part started 5 years ago, but I did not have suicidal ideation until 2020.