How can u(I) change every aspect of your(my) life?

[lilb0wpeep]

It would be cool if I could live an enjoyable and fulfilling life. Unfortunately I can't seem to die so it really is a matter of 'making the best of it'. While I try to do as much I can to fix my lifestyle and beliefs in order to fix my mental health, I'll never be able to overcome that which is my mental illness, and that's upsetting but whatever. My environment and daily life are what really makes it so difficult to want to+try to fight against it though.
I need a 'new world' if I can't escape this life. I need my own place to live, I need a better job, I need a support system/community/people I feel safe with and actually want to be around.
I currently live with my family, it's loud, messy, overwhelming and makes me so—"aghshshshhajsdjdzgrjdjajjsjchd, I NEED TO DIE!!", especially with the fact that I have cptsd which obvi has a large part due to them. My current job is min wage, gross, the people are nice(most of the time) but aren't people I actually want to be friends with(I have painfully strong morals at times). And I only part time as I physically can not stand to work more than I do. I act ok and get stuff done at work but between the energy/exhaustion, pain, and the 'side effects of mental illness' I do absolutely nothing outside of work… like i struggle/hardly am able to take care of myself let alone do something I enjoy or even see the friends i surprisingly still have. And when it comes to my friends I do love them, but more and more it feels like there's a disconnect. Not just because we see eachother/communicate less, but in the way that we want and care about different things. Also I can't constantly go to them as a support system(not they're fault obvi), they have there own lives and I want them to be happy and live them to there fullest. As with everyone, but maybe with a closer relationship and real sense of community Id be able to occasionally rely on others rather than boiling over and leaving the random vent message in a gc when things get too bad. Or at the very least feel comfortable with another person.
I need a new way to live and idk how I'm supposed to make it happen? I don't have the money to just up and start a new life. I need a life with enough stability that I don't always feel like I'm on the edge of a rug that's about to be pulled out from under me. I don't want to live each day as barely surviving broken machine sludging its way through existence. I want to create, I want to feel free, I want to feel comfort, passion, and purpose in my existence. Please for the love of 'anyone', just take me away and help me create a life worth living. Because I don't know how much longer I can withstand pushing myself for the dream of a future purpose that is entirely unobtainable. The idea of a painful gruesome and horrific death becomes less and less brutal in my mind. The care of 'first hand'-traumatizing others by doing so is turning into nothingness. This inevitability grows nearer as it seems to be my only means of hope, the only way to escape this pain!

 

[violetforever]

i feel the same as so much of what you wrote. im useless for advice because it feels impossible or i dont have the patience and hope to make it happen. i feel like i'll ruin a new chance at life anyway because of how i am and have been for years.

 

[RandomUsername1]

I relate to this so much. It's so frustrating. It's like you learn what you should do to better your life but it's impossible to start/stay consistent. I totally understand how living with your family makes everything worse. What helped me was finding a goal. Like I want to move out ASAP. Then working towards that goal. You also have to hype yourself up and get excited about your goal. Like think about it, you get your own place to stay then you can decorate it however you want. Plan what you're ideal house/apartment is going to look like, what color combo you wanna go for. Once you get out of that house I think you'll be much happier. So I don't think that your life to the point of no return.
If you want to move out you really need to get a good paying job in this economy.
Do you like your current job? Or is it really boring? Maybe that's why you're burnt out from work, long hours and it's so boring.
I'd recommend finding a career you want to do. (Which typically requires going to college)
And you should research into your local community college's financial aid. Sometimes they pay you to go to school. And see if they cover housing so you can live on your own. If you pick a pathway that's less common like for example I believe there aren't many respiratory nurses so you're more likely to get a scholarship.
Going to college gave me hope. My college holds events, you can go and hangout on campus, get away from family. Study on campus to get away from family. If your family is being too loud, you could always go to the library and hangout there for awhile. You don't have to read, just sit around in some ac where no one will bother you.
I completely understand needing community. It's like you just feel so terrible you need help from another person. But other people are busy/they don't understand. If venting makes you feel better, you can remain anonymous and just vent online like for example here where there's a lot of people venting. It's helped me so far, gives me something to do.
I hope my advice helped! Because you really do seem like you can live a content life.