How can u(I) change every aspect of your(my) life?

[lilb0wpeep]

It would be cool if I could live an enjoyable and fulfilling life. Unfortunately I can't seem to die so it really is a matter of 'making the best of it'. While I try to do as much I can to fix my lifestyle and beliefs in order to fix my mental health, I'll never be able to overcome that which is my mental illness, and that's upsetting but whatever. My environment and daily life are what really makes it so difficult to want to+try to fight against it though.
I need a 'new world' if I can't escape this life. I need my own place to live, I need a better job, I need a support system/community/people I feel safe with and actually want to be around.
I currently live with my family, it's loud, messy, overwhelming and makes me so—"aghshshshhajsdjdzgrjdjajjsjchd, I NEED TO DIE!!", especially with the fact that I have cptsd which obvi has a large part due to them. My current job is min wage, gross, the people are nice(most of the time) but aren't people I actually want to be friends with(I have painfully strong morals at times). And I only part time as I physically can not stand to work more than I do. I act ok and get stuff done at work but between the energy/exhaustion, pain, and the 'side effects of mental illness' I do absolutely nothing outside of work… like i struggle/hardly am able to take care of myself let alone do something I enjoy or even see the friends i surprisingly still have. And when it comes to my friends I do love them, but more and more it feels like there's a disconnect. Not just because we see eachother/communicate less, but in the way that we want and care about different things. Also I can't constantly go to them as a support system(not they're fault obvi), they have there own lives and I want them to be happy and live them to there fullest. As with everyone, but maybe with a closer relationship and real sense of community Id be able to occasionally rely on others rather than boiling over and leaving the random vent message in a gc when things get too bad. Or at the very least feel comfortable with another person.
I need a new way to live and idk how I'm supposed to make it happen? I don't have the money to just up and start a new life. I need a life with enough stability that I don't always feel like I'm on the edge of a rug that's about to be pulled out from under me. I don't want to live each day as barely surviving broken machine sludging its way through existence. I want to create, I want to feel free, I want to feel comfort, passion, and purpose in my existence. Please for the love of 'anyone', just take me away and help me create a life worth living. Because I don't know how much longer I can withstand pushing myself for the dream of a future purpose that is entirely unobtainable. The idea of a painful gruesome and horrific death becomes less and less brutal in my mind. The care of 'first hand'-traumatizing others by doing so is turning into nothingness. This inevitability grows nearer as it seems to be my only means of hope, the only way to escape this pain!

 

[violetforever]

i feel the same as so much of what you wrote. im useless for advice because it feels impossible or i dont have the patience and hope to make it happen. i feel like i'll ruin a new chance at life anyway because of how i am and have been for years.

 

[RandomUsername1]

I relate to this so much. It's so frustrating. It's like you learn what you should do to better your life but it's impossible to start/stay consistent. I totally understand how living with your family makes everything worse. What helped me was finding a goal. Like I want to move out ASAP. Then working towards that goal. You also have to hype yourself up and get excited about your goal. Like think about it, you get your own place to stay then you can decorate it however you want. Plan what you're ideal house/apartment is going to look like, what color combo you wanna go for. Once you get out of that house I think you'll be much happier. So I don't think that your life to the point of no return.
If you want to move out you really need to get a good paying job in this economy.
Do you like your current job? Or is it really boring? Maybe that's why you're burnt out from work, long hours and it's so boring.
I'd recommend finding a career you want to do. (Which typically requires going to college)
And you should research into your local community college's financial aid. Sometimes they pay you to go to school. And see if they cover housing so you can live on your own. If you pick a pathway that's less common like for example I believe there aren't many respiratory nurses so you're more likely to get a scholarship.
Going to college gave me hope. My college holds events, you can go and hangout on campus, get away from family. Study on campus to get away from family. If your family is being too loud, you could always go to the library and hangout there for awhile. You don't have to read, just sit around in some ac where no one will bother you.
I completely understand needing community. It's like you just feel so terrible you need help from another person. But other people are busy/they don't understand. If venting makes you feel better, you can remain anonymous and just vent online like for example here where there's a lot of people venting. It's helped me so far, gives me something to do.
I hope my advice helped! Because you really do seem like you can live a content life.

 

[lilb0wpeep]

I relate to this so much. It's so frustrating. It's like you learn what you should do to better your life but it's impossible to start/stay consistent. I totally understand how living with your family makes everything worse. What helped me was finding a goal. Like I want to move out ASAP. Then working towards that goal. You also have to hype yourself up and get excited about your goal. Like think about it, you get your own place to stay then you can decorate it however you want. Plan what you're ideal house/apartment is going to look like, what color combo you wanna go for. Once you get out of that house I think you'll be much happier. So I don't think that your life to the point of no return.
If you want to move out you really need to get a good paying job in this economy.
Do you like your current job? Or is it really boring? Maybe that's why you're burnt out from work, long hours and it's so boring.
I'd recommend finding a career you want to do. (Which typically requires going to college)
And you should research into your local community college's financial aid. Sometimes they pay you to go to school. And see if they cover housing so you can live on your own. If you pick a pathway that's less common like for example I believe there aren't many respiratory nurses so you're more likely to get a scholarship.
Going to college gave me hope. My college holds events, you can go and hangout on campus, get away from family. Study on campus to get away from family. If your family is being too loud, you could always go to the library and hangout there for awhile. You don't have to read, just sit around in some ac where no one will bother you.
I completely understand needing community. It's like you just feel so terrible you need help from another person. But other people are busy/they don't understand. If venting makes you feel better, you can remain anonymous and just vent online like for example here where there's a lot of people venting. It's helped me so far, gives me something to do.
I hope my advice helped! Because you really do seem like you can live a content life.

Thing is what I have been doing but every goal is so unattainable that I struggle because there's then no real meaning. It's just struggle and make yourself struggle even more for.. nothing. And even when I make the goal smaller it still has to no reason or reachable end point. I want to move out but even if I slaved away for the next 10 years I still wouldn't be able to afford a place to live especially while the cost of things keeps going up, and my health keeps going down. Trying to look for another job but it's hard when 1"nobodies hiring", 2 has to be close enough that I can afford to get to and from with uber, as I can't drive, 3 a job i qualify for/can actually do both in the sense of knowledge but also physically capable of.
I even went to school just so I could move forward in life and escape my family but not only did it amount to nothing, I'm also in debt now. Not to mention that it just reiterated the idea that I have mental illness of which I can not overcome but only be in fault of. That I can not function like everyone else/how I need to in order to live + that it is very apparent to everyone else. No matter how hard I try and or hide these facts that they are and will always be facts.
I do think these things definitely can help, and I'm glad that they've been beneficial for you, truly. It's just that there doesn't seem to be any obtainable goals and so pushing my forward feels like much much more suffering than it is worth.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

You mentioned you want to create, so what exactly would you like to create? Is it okay to ask about that?

 

[lilb0wpeep]

You mentioned you want to create, so what exactly would you like to create? Is it okay to ask about that?

Of course. When I say I like to create I mean I like drawing, painting, sewing, knitting, crochet, cross stitch, sculpting-ish, random crafts, jewelry making, up cycling/remaking things, almost anything in that sense. If I could I would do that as a job, it's just that I need a consistent and real income. Also the fact that making things for others is a lot easier and meaningful(at least in the sense of fufilling a request makes it so it has a purpose), rather than just occasionally making the things I feel like with no clear reason other than needing money.
I try looking for jobs like this but it's kinda impossible and I still have to live somewhere with those opportunities.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Hmm, so you wouldn't mind creating according to requests and then selling it for income. With how versatile you are I do think it should be possible, but you'd need the internet (so that more people from all kinds of places could place requests, otherwise I doubt it would be enough to live from) and youd need publicity (if no one knows about it, nobody will ask for it). For example, I have once requested a book cover from an artist over discord that I found out existed from a youtube video (the artist had an interview with someone with a relatively big reach). Maybe you might want to look into what kind of possibilities there are in selling stuff through the internet? Even if it might not be enough to live from, you seem like you could use some extra income...

 

[lilb0wpeep]

Hmm, so you wouldn't mind creating according to requests and then selling it for income. With how versatile you are I do think it should be possible, but you'd need the internet (so that more people from all kinds of places could place requests, otherwise I doubt it would be enough to live from) and youd need publicity (if no one knows about it, nobody will ask for it). For example, I have once requested a book cover from an artist over discord that I found out existed from a youtube video (the artist had an interview with someone with a relatively big reach). Maybe you might want to look into what kind of possibilities there are in selling stuff through the internet? Even if it might not be enough to live from, you seem like you could use some extra income...

Could definitely use the extra income… But all the other things seem to be the barrier. Interest is mostly there, but dealing with mental illness my ENTIRE life it's difficult with I'm dealing with anhedonia like 90% of the time. That and figuring out how to "apply myself" feels impossible without step by step instructions. In the way that I like all these things, I'm good-ok at them, but idk what to do with that. And trying to get the publicity part, as understandable as it is, I'm not good at the whole putting myself out there thing. Additionally marketing is a whole job in itself. Necessary but it's also difficult, time, and energy taxing.
I'm sure I could list a bunch of reasons why I struggle with this but it's not that im not willing to put in hard word or that I'm only seeing my difficulties. It's just that for years I've planned, tried, re-tried, and continuously never come close to anything real in these ideas.
I hate having mental and physical health issues, I hate being broke, I hate having to do x,y,z in order to keep myself barely afloat. I wish I could wish and life would be. Unfortunately are dreams have always been something that we're never meant to reach.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

If it's a simple method, you could try putting something you made on for example Etsy (some sort of online marketplace) and see what happens. Of course that is not requestbased, but even trying something is already good enough. For being recognizable it is possible to start with something like 'made by (the name under which you want to make stuff, mainly a nickname so others can recognize that this was made by the same person, it would be your 'brand')'. (requests would be something for later, people would first need to know what you can do to consider it)

Marketing would be too much at the start, but one example would be that you could try and see what sort of youtubers there are with similar content and then write them a mail, asking if they would be willing to show one of your products in a video (youd have to send the product for free). Naturally not all of them would agree, if they ask for payment you can just say 'then forget it', and maybe they do agree but go back on it after all which cant be helped. (This is something that could be tried later, there is no hurry.)

https://www.tapstitch.com/blog/post/sell-online-for-free
In this article there are a few marketplaces, all the pros and cons might be confusing so I'd recommend focusing on where you can sell for free without needing too much of a setup and ignoring the rest of the things mentioned (like equity and all the confusing words).

Why not try to make something simple (use something simple youve already made and dont mind parting with) and put it up on one of the free sites, see what happens? If nothing happens, then youve tried and if you actually sell something then you can use the money. (hopefully this isnt too much of a bother (and I hope Im not forcing / pushing you into something with this), if seeing which marketplace is free without too much hassle is difficult I dont mind giving it a try myself to make a step by step instruction) (and maybe youve already tried this, so do tell me if Im just talking nonsense )

 

[iguazo falls]

ive made a google slide about moving out home and a step by step of how i did it, im not sure how useful itll be since its geared towards an australian audience and influenced by certain circumstances noone can choose, but im happy to share it thru dms. how do you feel about learning to drive, and how supportive are your parents in regards to teaching you things? i understand though its a bit harder if your parents are unsupportive of your independence and/or you end up being unable to save due to suvival costs despite living at home.

you mention needing step-by-step instructions and i am a bit similar, i think working with that trait rather than against might make some tasks hold less friction.