There are much easier ways to go, like partial, CO, SN
I can't buy things, is the issue. I'm in a position where all my purchases are monitored, so unfortunately, given the means I have, this has ended up being the method I have to settle on. I can't do hanging because it will bring back the trauma of just being strangled. I don't want to be gone through another person's act of violence. And I don't want to be reminded of it.
My location also gets monitored so it's difficult to go to CTB at a train station, plus I'm wary of the trauma I'd cause other people.
My plan, so that my family doesn't get involved, is to switch off my location on my phone and find as rural an area as quick as possible and perform CTB. That way I can't be tracked down easily. Besides, I'm very openly suicidal so no one will be shocked, and because it's likely that police / paramedics are likely to find me, and they're used to traumatic scenes, I should be cleaned up enough to be okay.
My only worry, being afab, is that some freak finds me and violates me. Even if I'm dead, I don't want that to happen to me.
I mean, if there are other methods, I'd be far happier to take them. I'm incredibly close to hiring someone to sneak up on me and slit my throat for me so I'm dead before I realise.
I'm afraid you can't, that's what the survival instinct is for. I know that people really high on some crazy substances can inflict serious harm to self without the survival instinct interfering, but of course a person high on some weird stuff may feel like doing something else, they can't follow with any plan.
I'm not sure what thought process has lead you to a conclusion that this could be a right method for you. Doesn't sound reasonable to be honest. I don't want to question your reasons, or ask about them publicly, but I hope you will think about it and think if you have any reasonable options of getting help. I'm not sure how an adult person who can think clearly and make decision could decide on this method, after several failed and likely very painful and traumatic attempts. I can't wrap my head around it at all.
I understand that it's an incredibly violent method, but I just don't have many options. Guns are illegal here. If they were legal, I wouldn't have found out about this forum in the first place. I would kill to go by a more peaceful method, but all other methods take time, which is not something I'm really able to handle. Because I know as I'm dying, all I do is just feel like a disgusting, pathetic sack of shit. As I'm trying to claw the hands of my partner off my throat, the only thing I can think of is "You want this. But not like this. How stupid."
I guess I'm too tired to think of some other method. Though that would probably be more helpful. But going for a method, that if done correctly, is pretty much fool proof, even if you're not dead when the paramedics arrive, seems like the best course of action for me.
I would kill for suggestions of a better method that I can actually do, given the limited amount of choice and power I have
All in all, I'm just tired. And scared. This is one of the few things I can do on my own terms, and it's been 11 years in the making. Every time I decided to cling on to life, I have been disappointed immensely. So at this point, I'm done. I just want out.
