Help How can I regain motivation to return to my old hobby?

[Minas]

I used to practice martial arts, I am a brown belt in judo and spent a year doing muay thai, but had to stop due to my worsening mental health.

It got to a point i completly stopped fighting back, I only wanted to be hit, and couldn't raise my fists anymore, so i quit.

I had an abusive mom, so you can understand why I would stop. It was starting to make me feel like i was her, even if i never enjoyed beating someone else. But it was mainly because my usual reaction to someone beating me was never to fight back, just to take it and wait for it to be over.

So I... I can't fight back, if I was attacked on the street its possible I would just let them rape me and beat me and all the nasty stuff. And i also can't imagine myself throwing a punch anymore.

How do i regain my motivation? I genuinely had fun practicing martial arts, but the issues were much bigger than my fun.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Look into what aspects of it you did like, and look around for what's available.
Just looking at the alternatives might raise some motivation. Maybe a less combat oriented martial art or sport might be a good way to ease into it(?).

 

[Manfrotto99]

Maybe you can try working on looking it from another perspective. It is a sport and you are doing it to protect yourself and also others from people who are like your mum. That dosnt mean you are like you mum and you have awareness of this. There is a big difference between someone who abuses and someone who defends. I'm sure there are others who do the sport who have gone through similar things to you so maybe ask them what helped them deal with it. There maybe forums around. I think there is a spiritual aspect to martial arts too, so looking into that more may be beneficial and hold some answers.

 

[Minas]

Maybe you can try working on looking it from another perspective. It is a sport and you are doing it to protect yourself and also others from people who are like your mum. That dosnt mean you are like you mum and you have awareness of this. There is a big difference between someone who abuses and someone who defends. I'm sure there are others who do the sport who have gone through similar things to you so maybe ask them what helped them deal with it. There maybe forums around. I think there is a spiritual aspect to martial arts too, so looking into that more may be beneficial and hold some answers.

I am aware of that. The problem isn't me being like my mom anymore, It's that I genuinely don't want to fight back. I don't wish to defend myself, I want people to go through me

 

[LifeQuitter]

I feel the same way, I think once you've lost the will to live there's no point fighting for anything.