How can i recover with no motivation?

[Pg.964]

I have no idea how to even begin to climb out of this filthy hole I dug for myself. There are so many things I need/want to do but I can't because my brain can't feel joy from things anymore. The joy of a dream or a hobby doesn't feel much different than just working a shitty retail job. I can't understand what part of my brain melted off to the point that I just operate as a lobotomized husk.
The meds and therapy aren't doing it and I'm starting to think it's my fault.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It isn't your fault. No one wants to feel like this. Is it the thought that everything is the same or- are you actually doing a job and finding it just as horrible as doing your hobbies? I think it's tricky to motivate yourself when you don't have hope. I think for me- I'm actually pushing myself to get another wage slave job because the alternative- of relying on my parents- feels worse.

In some ways I think life is about contrast. We don't really appreciate things until we have to do worse things! Kind of depressing in itself. Still- I think some jobs just make us so miserable that there isn't any energy left for anything but recovering before you have to do it all again! I worked in retail for 10 years and I agree- it feels like your soul is being sucked out. I'm sorry.

 

[Pg.964]

It isn't your fault. No one wants to feel like this. Is it the thought that everything is the same or- are you actually doing a job and finding it just as horrible as doing your hobbies? I think it's tricky to motivate yourself when you don't have hope. I think for me- I'm actually pushing myself to get another wage slave job because the alternative- of relying on my parents- feels worse.

In some ways I think life is about contrast. We don't really appreciate things until we have to do worse things! Kind of depressing in itself. Still- I think some jobs just make us so miserable that there isn't any energy left for anything but recovering before you have to do it all again! I worked in retail for 10 years and I agree- it feels like your soul is being sucked out. I'm sorry.

Yeah I think my issue is I have little contrast in my emotions (I have a really small emotional range for happiness) so good things don't make me feel anything and great things feel like a small relief. On the other hand I can feel negative emotions like a mf, so I mainly have two default settings: numb, or agonized. I wish I had more control over these things