How can I make my CTB easier for those around me?

[TydalWave]

I'm just looking for feedback or advice from those who have thought about this longer than me... I constantly worry about the effects that my CTB will have on those around me (my friends and family). Right now I am continuing to prepare for the inevitable. My life isn't the worst that it has been but I have a ton of clarity over my lifetime of suffering which has helped me prepare for the inevitable.

Until that time comes, I just constantly worry and feel guilty for even having these feelings. I know this is ultimately my decsision but that will never be enough. As I continue to prepare for my outcome, I want to at least do whatever I can to ease the suffering of others. I am honestly just not sure what the best I can do are. I want to SN so I can die peacefully in solitude. I don't know if I should leave notes for my loved ones or if that would make them hurt more. These are the questions that hold me back as I feel like if I am to make this choice I owe it to those around me to atleast do so in their best interest. I appreciate any advice...

 

[eternapeace]

I'm just looking for feedback or advice from those who have thought about this longer than me... I constantly worry about the effects that my CTB will have on those around me (my friends and family). Right now I am continuing to prepare for the inevitable. My life isn't the worst that it has been but I have a ton of clarity over my lifetime of suffering which has helped me prepare for the inevitable.

Until that time comes, I just constantly worry and feel guilty for even having these feelings. I know this is ultimately my decsision but that will never be enough. As I continue to prepare for my outcome, I want to at least do whatever I can to ease the suffering of others. I am honestly just not sure what the best I can do are. I want to SN so I can die peacefully in solitude. I don't know if I should leave notes for my loved ones or if that would make them hurt more. These are the questions that hold me back as I feel like if I am to make this choice I owe it to those around me to atleast do so in their best interest. I appreciate any advice...

1. Don't tell anybody.
2. Wean them off of you as early as possible/disconnect socially.
3. Leave notes.

I've done/doing #2 and #3. I made the mistake of not doing #1.

 

[Life_and_Death]

as much as everyone is probably going to be against it (depending on your situation), talk about it. my ex use to freak, i couldnt even listen to certain songs. now ive talked about whats going on with my mental health so much he "doesnt care" (he does and still wishes i wouldnt, but gets it, i guess).
i certainly wouldnt advise the way i talk about it though. im rather blunt about it, its just another topic to me.

 

[Worndown]

You probably cannot spare them pain from your passing. That is why they are close to you.
A well crafted note that explains your reasons could give them perspective on what it is like to be you.

 

[TydalWave]

as much as everyone is probably going to be against it (depending on your situation), talk about it. my ex use to freak, i couldnt even listen to certain songs. now ive talked about whats going on with my mental health so much he "doesnt care" (he does and still wishes i wouldnt, but gets it, i guess).
i certainly wouldnt advise the way i talk about it though. im rather blunt about it, its just another topic to me.

I wish I could talk to people about it but I've felt such resistance when I have opened up about my mental health. I also opened up to my ex, regrettably and it was used against me and made my life incredibly worse. I'm now afraid to open up to anyone else about it for that reason. I was hoping for validation, support, understanding, empathy or even resistance from a kind and understanding perspective but instead I was shit on and that sucked.

I know I have family members who would be more understanding and I owe it to them to tell them how I felt. But I think it would be best to do so in a note. I just cant decide what and how much to say.

1. Don't tell anybody.
2. Wean them off of you as early as possible/disconnect socially.
3. Leave notes.

I've done/doing #2 and #3. I made the mistake of not doing #1.

Thank you for your advice. I think you are absolutely right. I don't want anything to get in the way with me being able to make this decision for myself. Just having prepartions in place for me to CTB has made me feel exponentially better already.

 

[anonymousanguish]

1. Don't tell anybody.
2. Wean them off of you as early as possible/disconnect socially.
3. Leave notes.

I've done/doing #2 and #3. I made the mistake of not doing #1.

I also wouldn't tell anyone in real life because they will likely do their best to stop you. If you tell someone who's a mandated reporter you might get hospitalized. Suicidal ideation/intent isn't governed by any US federal laws about mandated reporting, but different state laws might address it. You specifically asked for advice from "those who have thought about this longer than me", so I would advise you to spend a lot of time thinking about this despite whatever advice you may get. Suicide, of course, is a very permanent thing that warrants serious contemplation and self reflection before actually going through with it. I don't know anything about your situation, but perhaps medication, therapy, meditation, a change of scenery or a number of other possibilities might help you feel better about living.

Personally, I wouldn't "wean" your friends and family off of you. Becoming reclusive could possibly make them even more concerned about you, and if you do eventually decide to ctb they might agonize over why they didn't try to help you when they realized you were withdrawing from them. Plus, if you have any desire to live, withdrawing from the people closest to you might ruin any chance you have of being helped.

I would suggest leaving notes to the people closest to you if you do decide to ctb. I would simply try to convey as best as possible what you've been feeling and what's driving you to make the decision to leave, while also doing your best not to make anyone feel like it's their fault.

Ultimately, I'd like to reiterate that you should critically think about this for a while before making any decisions. If you want "validation, support, understanding, empathy or even resistance from a kind and understanding perspective", then reaching out to a medical or mental health professional, or maybe a clergy member or spiritual guide would be a good option. A close and compassionate friend could be a good start as well.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I understand why people warn their loved ones- to prepare them. I imagine the other reason for telling people might be to get their support in trying to get 'better'. Still- I feel if ctb is likely and it feels like there's nothing anyone can do to stop it, I personally feel like it's kinder not to tell people. Otherwise I imagine they will always be on tenterhooks waiting for it to happen and may try all they can to stop it happening. In which case, maybe they will feel like they failed- or thay they weren't enough if and when it does. Kind of feel like if they don't know, there may be less guilt for them. Maybe that's a weird logic though.

I always hoped I could try and explain things in letters left behind- although I would say- look into this. I've recently heard awful stories of friends and loved ones not being given letters as they were confiscated as 'evidence'.

It's a tough one though. Realistically, any death but especially suicide I imagine leaves behind pain. I've always hoped I could hang on long enough for the people who would be affected the most deeply to go first. It's not always possible though. I sort of feel like we all know when it's our time- when we simply can't take it anymore. I'm sorry you are struggling. Life is so hard.

 

[TydalWave]

I also wouldn't tell anyone in real life because they will likely do their best to stop you. If you tell someone who's a mandated reporter you might get hospitalized. Suicidal ideation/intent isn't governed by any US federal laws about mandated reporting, but different state laws might address it. You specifically asked for advice from "those who have thought about this longer than me", so I would advise you to spend a lot of time thinking about this despite whatever advice you may get. Suicide, of course, is a very permanent thing that warrants serious contemplation and self reflection before actually going through with it. I don't know anything about your situation, but perhaps medication, therapy, meditation, a change of scenery or a number of other possibilities might help you feel better about living.

Personally, I wouldn't "wean" your friends and family off of you. Becoming reclusive could possibly make them even more concerned about you, and if you do eventually decide to ctb they might agonize over why they didn't try to help you when they realized you were withdrawing from them. Plus, if you have any desire to live, withdrawing from the people closest to you might ruin any chance you have of being helped.

I would suggest leaving notes to the people closest to you if you do decide to ctb. I would simply try to convey as best as possible what you've been feeling and what's driving you to make the decision to leave, while also doing your best not to make anyone feel like it's their fault.

Ultimately, I'd like to reiterate that you should critically think about this for a while before making any decisions. If you want "validation, support, understanding, empathy or even resistance from a kind and understanding perspective", then reaching out to a medical or mental health professional, or maybe a clergy member or spiritual guide would be a good option. A close and compassionate friend could be a good start as well.

I appreciate your advice <3. I have and am continuing to think about this deeply and intimately. I won't get deep into my situation but I have gone down the different paths you mentioned with medication, meditation, therapy for a long time. Medication has given me clarity which only brings to light how much I want my suffering to end.

When I speak about compassion and empathy I mean, it would sure be nice to have someone who actually understood these feelings and wanted what was best for me. But as you have mentioned, the intent of those around us is always to keep us alive, and not always centered on the best interests of the individual. The closest I have gotten to this unconditional and unbiased support is on these forums and for that I thank you all.

I understand why people warn their loved ones- to prepare them. I imagine the other reason for telling people might be to get their support in trying to get 'better'. Still- I feel if ctb is likely and it feels like there's nothing anyone can do to stop it, I personally feel like it's kinder not to tell people. Otherwise I imagine they will always be on tenterhooks waiting for it to happen and may try all they can to stop it happening. In which case, maybe they will feel like they failed- or thay they weren't enough if and when it does. Kind of feel like if they don't know, there may be less guilt for them. Maybe that's a weird logic though.

I always hoped I could try and explain things in letters left behind- although I would say- look into this. I've recently heard awful stories of friends and loved ones not being given letters as they were confiscated as 'evidence'.

It's a tough one though. Realistically, any death but especially suicide I imagine leaves behind pain. I've always hoped I could hang on long enough for the people who would be affected the most deeply to go first. It's not always possible though. I sort of feel like we all know when it's our time- when we simply can't take it anymore. I'm sorry you are struggling. Life is so hard.

Well said. I will hang on as long as I can. But in these moments of clarity I hope to atleast prepare myself for an easy exit.

If I do leave notes for my loved ones I may do a delayed email approach so as to avoid any confiscation. I'm sure there are better ways out there too.

 

[makethepainstop]

I follow the X-files,"Trust no one", theory. As there will always be those damnable do-gooders who want to save you and be hailed as heroes. So if I were going to leave a note to people that cared about me,(in my case there are none), I'd concentrate on telling them of my great pain. This way they wouldn't feel that they contributed to your final exit. Much love to you as you seem to be a kind and considerate soul.
.

 

[lionetta12]

I've been open to everyone in my life that ever mattered, that I've been feeling suicidal all the time for the past 12ish years. But the fact that half of them don't care and the other half is very open and understanding, is what made this possible. It will not come as a shock to anyone. I understand that this is not the norm for most people and the general population feel that they cannot talk about this topic with those they are close to unfortunately. The only person I'm worried about is my best friend, but he understands everything I've been through and he's a supporting person. I see that he finds it uncomfortable and that it's hard for him to think about it all, it hurts know that, but he gets it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that it could be a good idea leaving a note for those left behind, it is a personal decision whether to leave a note, but in my opinion it's better than leaving nothing. A note could give them some form of closure and act as an explanation maybe giving them some understanding. I would personally try to explain reasons for ctb and say that there is nothing that you could have done to prevent this.
I wish you freedom from suffering.