Help How can I control my freeze/flight response towards men?

[nykaaa]

Hey,
I want to be able to control my freeze and flight response around men. In the past, it happened with almost every man. Especially with authority figures, like a male teacher, I would become frozen, extremely nervous, or start blushing. Or for example, if an older man sit too close to me on the bus and "accidentally" touched my knee, I would just sit there frozen and stare at a random point. Situations like that used to happen quite often back then. Over time, it has gotten better, thankfully, but I still hate it when someone gets too close to me, whether it's at the checkout in a supermarket, at a bus stop, or at school. It has improved, and if someone gets too close now, I try to create distance. I also understand why I have this reaction and I'm aware of it, but I'd rather not go into the details here. I mainly want to know how I can manage or overcome it. Maybe to some people this already sounds like progress like I can walk away now and I don't react as strongly anymore. But there's one exception: a man who is very important to me. Over text, I feel safe, confident, and comfortable. The problem is that he isn't or barely very communicative over text or at least I think with me, he just wanna talk with me in person. And that's exactly where my issue is: whenever I see him, my body freezes or I flight, my mind goes blank, and I often don't even dare (or feel physically able) to turn my head in his direction. Some days when I'm more "at peace" I can look into his direction, other days I can't. Either way, I always end up running away from him. It's really hard for me to approach him. Yes, he is my crush but that doesn't change the fact that I want to solve this problem in general!
And yes, I talked about this with several therapists, told them "my story" but none of them could give me like a sincerely advice that would work, I feel almost stupid about this. I had 6 years of therapy with different therapist and really none of them could help me, it always just felt like I waste my time. The only good therapist I had was when I was like maybe 12/13 years old? I don't quite remember anymore but she moved away and it would be too far so we quit our sessions.

I just wish it would be easier for me, or that he would communicate with me through the phone. I need to feel completely safe and comfortable with my surroundings and in general to do this. I'm scared of losing him over something "stupid" like this.


I'd really appreciate any advice. Thank you.

 

[Pvnie]

Try getting some kind of drug for general anxiety

 

[LilGhost]

First, agree with commentator above, antidepressants, tranquilizers might help. I would say creating a "barrier" between you and world might also help. Like wearing dark sun glasses, I wear a pretty cool shark hood I crochet for myself whenever i dont feel like engaging with the world (it blocks lots of the view), smth like that might also help. Having anything that can ground you can also help (like you can try getting a stimming toy or anything that you feel like can snap you back to reality and you can try use 5-4-3-2-1 method (having those numbers somewhere written might also help cause i know how during panic, using grounding technics are least of your concerns). Considering you said therapists were useless af, seems like meds gonna be an important part of your recovery.
Good luck on your path, traveler

 

[Dot]

Wre n.e of ur therpsts mn or wre thy all womn

R thre n.e MH chartis wth peer spport whre thy mght hve mle vlunteers who u cld wrk wth in sfe Nvirnmnt

Or a CBT therpst wh/ cn tke u 2 plces wth spport whre u r gradlly xposd t/ mre stuatns whre mn wll b presnt - bt agn wth spport & sfety

Evn slf-defnse clss wth mle instructr wh/ u cld xplain issu 2 - thre r lts of dffrnt wys t/ spnd tme arnd mn & hlp ur nervs systm 2 regul8 arnd thm bt in wys whch wld b gradul fr u & @ ur own pce

As fr th/ mn u r currntly talkng wth - hw abt vdeo callng fr whle & havng smi-xposre tht wy

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Wre n.e of ur therpsts mn or wre thy all womn

R thre n.e MH chartis wth peer spport whre thy mght hve mle vlunteers who u cld wrk wth in sfe Nvirnmnt

Or a CBT therpst wh/ cn tke u 2 plces wth spport whre u r gradlly xposd t/ mre stuatns whre mn wll b presnt - bt agn wth spport & sfety

Evn slf-defnse clss wth mle instructr wh/ u cld xplain issu 2 - thre r lts of dffrnt wys t/ spnd tme arnd mn & hlp ur nervs systm 2 regul8 arnd thm bt in wys whch wld b gradul fr u & @ ur own pce

As fr th/ mn u r currntly talkng wth - hw abt vdeo callng fr whle & havng smi-xposre tht wy

Translate:

Were any of your therapists men, or were they all women?

Are there any MH charities with peer support, where they might have male volunteers who you could work with in a safe environment?

Or a CBT therapist who can take you to places with support, where you are gradually exposed to more situations where men will be present. But again with support and safety.

Even self-defense class with male instructor who you could explain the issue to. There are lots of differnet ways to spend time around men, and help your nervous system to regulate around them, but in ways which would be gradual for you and at your own pace.

As for the man you are currently talking with - how about video calling for a while and having semi-exposure that way?

 

[Hvergelmir]

Evn slf-defnse clss...

I want to solve this problem in general!

I keep recommending martial arts to just about anyone.

I also believe strongly in exposure therapy. Martial arts will expose you to a big variety of people and situations, and clubs tend to be very understanding. The weaker and more insecure you are, the more you need it, and they understand that. They've seen people grow before, and your starting point isn't an obstacle.

Choose a club that's convenient, and a discipline you like.
I would personally recommend looking at traditional martial art. This as opposed to a more combative or sports oriented disciplines.

 

[nykaaa]

I keep recommending martial arts to just about anyone.

I also believe strongly in exposure therapy. Martial arts will expose you to a big variety of people and situations, and clubs tend to be very understanding. The weaker and more insecure you are, the more you need it, and they understand that. They've seen people grow before, and your starting point isn't an obstacle.

Choose a club that's convenient, and a discipline you like.
I would personally recommend looking at traditional martial art. This as opposed to a more combative or sports oriented disciplines.

Yeah, that's quite a good idea but what can I do in the meantime? Do you have any tips on what I can do while I'm searching for a martial arts club?

Try getting some kind of drug for general anxiety

I tried, I asked for some anxiety pills to my therapist before but she said they would only make me addicted and I easily get addicted to stuff.
And I don't know other ways to get them.

First, agree with commentator above, antidepressants, tranquilizers might help. I would say creating a "barrier" between you and world might also help. Like wearing dark sun glasses, I wear a pretty cool shark hood I crochet for myself whenever i dont feel like engaging with the world (it blocks lots of the view), smth like that might also help. Having anything that can ground you can also help (like you can try getting a stimming toy or anything that you feel like can snap you back to reality and you can try use 5-4-3-2-1 method (having those numbers somewhere written might also help cause i know how during panic, using grounding technics are least of your concerns). Considering you said therapists were useless af, seems like meds gonna be an important part of your recovery.
Good luck on your path, traveler

Yeah but like I said my old therapist didn't wanted to give me any meds and I'm currently on a wait list for my new therapist and I already tried to use stimming toys but I feel honestly so hopeless about that. I really don't wanna lose my crush because of this dumb thing. Everytime something like these happens nevertheless if it's him or some other things that get me in this state, my mind shut up. I can't think of anything so these toys are pretty useless, im totally frozen. I really think I need to get in some martial clubs or get my fingers on some medications.