Help How am I to live with emptiness?

[CaptainSunshine!]

I'm asking in case I give up on suicide due to apathy or impossibility of success. This is a story-vent-question hybrid.


I'm not suicidal due to pain or grave reasons, like I typically see it being the case here, but rather just rational thought, more or less. Though I guess this sounds delusional lol.
On the Monday of 27th, I had an epiphany that I can kill myself right now by partial hanging with the equipment I have in my basement. Before that, I was going about my life with no suicidal ideation, save for curiosity.
Prior to that moment, I was thinking that I was gonna end up killing myself anyway some time in the future, like in my forties or something. Currently I am twenty, and have been a hikikomori for 6 years. On the April of 2019, I got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and have accepted the illness immediately. On the upcoming end of the summer break I tried overdosing on insulin, but I forgot about convulsions and got sent to the hospital at night by my family. Then I got sent to a bigger hospital, since at the time my city's hospital did not have an endocrinologist. Or maybe I traveled there by train; I don't remember. My mind at the time of writing is also foggy, but I guess this is always the case.
I did not succeed with my method, but the psych ward experience was decent. The patients were pleasant to be around, but this was a youth section. The nurses seemed to have thought that I wanted to die due to my diabetes, and the psychiatrist thought it was due to my father (and she lied about my father changing lol).

Since that event, I have not attempted suicide again, though some time later I wondered about decapitating myself with a train, but damn they're scary. I sat on a rock near the tracks, and imagined my neck on the tracks. The vibrations, the sounds, and the imaginary experience were all frightening. Some time after this, I was in a hospital for unrelated reasons and I was telling about the train curiosity to a psychologist, and I thought she wouldn't tell my mother or something, but it is their obligation. Still, I felt betrayed. My mother was disappointed or something, but it seems right now that she thinks nothing has happened; no attempt (just a bad insulin dose) and no suicidal ideation. Maybe she gaslit herself into forgetting.

So, although I attempted suicide before school restarting and am now attempting again when I'm likely going to work soon, I think I'm still doing this merely out of emptiness. The job is just a motivator to do it now. I asked myself why I should work for twenty or so more years just to kill myself anyway? Especially if I have the tools now, and the future might be harder to kill myself in?
Of course, as I've said at the beginning, I might surrender and just live anyway. Living, after all, is the default and my body will steer me toward that.


Here are the traits I've observed in myself and noted down for a future psychiatrist. This additional context might help in understanding my issue:

Spoiler

- I think all day. I constantly imagine hypothetical scenarios involving conversations. Past embarrassment haunts me slightly.
- I constantly think about managing my type 1 diabetes.
- I have mild brain fog. It could be caused by my diabetes.
- I always have to be careful with food, as binging will always be beside me. Perfectionism is my road to it.
- I don't think I can feel love, but I am unsure of what it feels like. This lack of love is why I seek attention from my mother, and the attention seeking is why I want to be silent; opening myself just hurts me.
- I feel inferior pretty much constantly.
- I hate being visible, since it means I'll be judged. I think I could only feel truly comfortable with no one around at home.
- Food is boring, but I still chase sweets. I think my body feels the pleasure, but my mind doesn't.
- I don't think I can feel social connections related to me, but I also don't push my relationships enough to reach such a point; I feel like a waste of a friend, thinking that I should be replaced by someone better.
- I do things, because I tell myself to, not because I feel something. Emotions can interfere, but this is generally true.
- I am obsessed with neatness and symmetry, likely because of my father's loud dislike for messiness.

Although they're not much.
Since this year, I've browsed AVPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) and SZPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder) subreddits, and I've found myself to generally relate to the users. So I seem to have some sort of mental issue in that area, and/or high-functioning depression? But this is all just self-diagnosis, and this all could be confusion stemming from my shut-in status, and loneliness is said to be harmful for the health. One post on this forum talked about the body changing due to loneliness, and the bottom point was that the body may lose the drive to live, which is interesting.

Formally, I am diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia, but one of my diagnoses on my papers was schizoid personality disorder.
In this year, I have had one visit to a psychiatrist, but haven't had a second one yet since I didn't feel like it and calling is scary. I want the doc to give me a different diagnosis, since having schizophrenia on paper is troublesome for employers, though it's not like I have many job opportunities ahead of me. I'll likely get something like manual labor at a factory or office work. But either way, it's gonna be unpleasant. It is likely that I am spoiled. Going from all day freedom to <2 hours of freedom per day will suck, not to mention the actual effort, instead of just using my computer all day lol.
Just to be clear, I don't have any delusions or hallucinations, but I seem to have apathy, weak empathy, and mild anhedonia; which leads me to thinking that I am along the lines of avoidant or schizoid.
My blood sugars can make me feel differently due to sudden increase or decrease. I can get feelings like I'm powerful, ingenious, and/or possessing a joyous mind. Other times I can feel sad, worthless, and/or be easily irritated. This is random; it may come from a high blood glucose to normal, normal to low, or normal to high.
This sounds like some sort of bipolar, though, or maybe it's evidence for a more proper schizophrenia. For all I know, this could be related to nothing and only be concerning my hormones or something interacting with my blood sugars; or these could be signs of a dormant mental condition.


Okay, I think I've spoken enough about me. What do you fellows think I am to do?
- Perhaps I'm just a lonely dude who will get cured with love, but from I've observed it seems like an illusion and I'd just imprison myself in a relationship, if I even got into one. I can only imagine that women or men would not truly care about me, and I would just get replaced one day. So I'm gonna rule this out, at least for now. Everything I've written might change with time, I am aware of that. If I go on living, I might forget about the option of suicide due to being constantly tired from work and socialization. This process will likely prevent me from thinking, which I guess is just how normal people function; they don't think. I've complained to my mother about work being torture for the rest of my life and such, and she tells me that it's not that bad, since people do it anyway and stuff along those lines.
- Perhaps pills could work, but I dunno if that's a guarantee. Side effects are a bummer. I could gain weight and such, although docs seem to say that pills won't cause weight gain, but I think that it is not unscientific to think that this is possible; after all, the pills interact with hormones and such, and hormones have an effect on fat storage and such (but this is just a layman's perspective).
I also like this apathetic and mildly emotional self that I am. I think it's cool. Though this opinion might stem from my hikikomori state and the internet being like a parent to me. After transitioning to teenage years, I mostly just shut myself in, and thus media became my influence. Of course, I am aware that apathy and such can be suffering for others; I'm mostly speaking from how I see it concerning my own self. I also don't have potent symptoms; my anhedonia for example is mild, if it was strong I'd hate to eat, since food would basically be cardboard (from what I've heard). This line of thought could be extended to most of my feelings, since if they were to be amped up, I would not function well, but I function decently. I can do unpleasant things like exercise (though I half-ass this), cold showers, taking care of my diabetes, chores, and such; but this is nothing compared to work.
- These two solutions are what came to my mind the easiest. There's also therapy, I guess, but I don't think I have the money for that. I live in Poland, by the way, so American healthcare doesn't concern my case. Maybe if I got a job I'd be able to have therapy, but the consequence of that is cutting down my free time, and it'd already be cut. Supposedly I can only work 7 hours due to my moderate disability (type 1 diabetes, but maybe the undifferentiated schizophrenia's doing the heavy lifting), but travelling to work may take hours, so it's not that clear cut.
Therapy might not work, and if I talk too honestly I might get locked up or forced to take meds I don't want to. Plus, coming back from work, just to have nothing pleasant to look forward to would be a bummer. Unless the therapist could do sessions on weekends.
I live in emptiness, and when there's no point, life (mine, at least) boils down to emotions (pleasure). So I'm a pragmatic-hedonist. This leads me to saying that suicide might be rational (in my case at least).

Of course my responses to the three solutions may be just excuses. I think I am open to you guys' thoughts. I try to be honest and logical, but I may be too prideful.


Pardon me for the 1800 word salad. Have a nice meal!

 

[Haruko]

Thanks for sharing!

What do you fellows think I am to do?

You seem fairly rational to figure things out, as long as you can be in a decent state of mind without having a semi-permanent brain fog. I do relate to you in many aspects; but I cannot truly tell you what is the right choice for you. My best thought is to recommend to get into running (without really going all out with intense workouts or long distances). This works for me to handle brain fog and stay fairly grounded.

I was thinking that I was gonna end up killing myself anyway some time in the future, like in my forties or something.

At 17, I somehow convinced myself that I am too young to decide that life is void of meaning and that I'll have to make the decision once I am 30. I can't really tell whether I regret that decision or not; what I am sure of is that I still don't see any point to live, but I guess I am still waiting to be 30 lol.

Perhaps I'm just a lonely dude who will get cured with love, but from I've observed it seems like an illusion and I'd just imprison myself in a relationship

During college, I've occasionally seen some people who actually found some form of purpose in love. Though, I would not think that getting into a relationship just to have a purpose is a good idea. Most likely, most feelings start to fade away eventually and the relationship become a mere nuisance to deal with and can be more damaging...

Perhaps pills could work, but I dunno if that's a guarantee. Side effects are a bummer

I am not qualified here, so this is purely a layman's perspective. I always felt that taking pills is more damaging than it is beneficial.

As for getting a job and whatnot, I would say give it a shot for a couple a weeks and see how it feels. Most likely, the whole setup of a job will feel absurd; performing meaningless tasks and wasting the most part of your active weekly hours, and getting tired that even those 2 hours a day will be likely just for resting. Waiting for a Friday to come, hating yourself on Sundays thinking of the following week. The whole job experience will probably depend on the coworkers and the manager, so if you end up working with decent human beings, you may want to consider yourself lucky to some extent.

I try to be honest and logical, but I may be too prideful.

You seem fairly self aware and rational, which is good I guess. I am not really in a place to tell you what actions you should take, but if you want my opinion I'd say you're fairly young, so take all your time coming to your conclusions rationally.

All the love and wishing you the best of luck!