How alone are you?

[outatime_85]

I'm lonely and isolated, and it has been this way for decades.

I don't speak to anyone, not my family, no one, and I have no friends.

My life is currently setup to have no interactions besides what little is said to me when I venture to the shops, and even then I use automated checkout to avoid interactions.

As a child, my family left me to do everything alone, and I was told and learned that neither they nor anyone else would be there for me no matter what, so growing up in a family that was all about doing it on your own and by yourself and not as a cohesive unit meant that I did not learn the skills needed for society or to form close bonds.

I'm not a true member of my family. I am the black sheep, something they avoid or snicker at.

My family has all achieved varying degrees of success.

So they regard me as deplorable, embarrassing, and abnormal.

Me not being able to succeed, maintain, or have romantic relationships or friendships is an issue for them; it means there is something wrong with this member of the family.

To them, I stand as an example of what not to become, having not achieved or being unable to achieve the same level of success.

Thus, my inability to succeed and numerous failures were sufficient reasons to ostracize me.

I am not as intelligent or as smart as they are, a possible mental health issue that was never diagnosed because they don't believe in such testing, but that is not an excuse in their eyes; their response to that has always been to say, "Work harder, do more."

Because I've racked up so many failures, I've simply chosen to become further isolated.

As I am writing this response to the Op's question, I think to myself, "I don't want a lot of friends; one or two that won't dip when I am at my worst would be nice, as well as a partner that respects me." but I know I don't deserve it.

When my current obligations are done, that will leave me standing at a fork in the road with no one to reach out to for any help, a fork that leaves me with the choice of becoming a drifter in the hope of being needed by others or accepting that I will never be needed and cashing in my chips.

Sorry for the rambling and possibly incoherent response.

 

[Lostinspace]

I'm a 36 yr old woman with a pretty generic, dead end 9-5 and outside the mandatory workplace interactions, I don't really speak to anyone. I have flatmates but I barely interact with them and spend virtually all my time alone in my room, as I have done since I was a child. I've grown apart or fallen out with the few friends I've made as an adult, and can go months without seeing or speaking to the remaining four or five pals in my life. With the exception of one brief thing in my early twenties, I've never been in a relationship (physical or emotional), and I stopped dating around 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years and I'm not a part of a family.

I feel so consumed with shame and embarrassment about who I am and how I live. Everyone deals with loneliness, but I think the way I live must come across as so abnormal and pathetic to others. I don't mean this in a 'I'm a special snowflake' kinda way but I just don't know anyone who is like me in this way - virtually everyone I know or interact with IRL has a family, a partner, and/or a stable/secure group of friends.

I imagine these feelings are pretty relatable here but I'm curious to know - how alone are you?

I'm around your age and can relate so well to that feeling of shame (and, in my case, regret)

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm a 36 yr old woman with a pretty generic, dead end 9-5 and outside the mandatory workplace interactions, I don't really speak to anyone. I have flatmates but I barely interact with them and spend virtually all my time alone in my room, as I have done since I was a child. I've grown apart or fallen out with the few friends I've made as an adult, and can go months without seeing or speaking to the remaining four or five pals in my life. With the exception of one brief thing in my early twenties, I've never been in a relationship (physical or emotional), and I stopped dating around 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years and I'm not a part of a family.

I feel so consumed with shame and embarrassment about who I am and how I live. Everyone deals with loneliness, but I think the way I live must come across as so abnormal and pathetic to others. I don't mean this in a 'I'm a special snowflake' kinda way but I just don't know anyone who is like me in this way - virtually everyone I know or interact with IRL has a family, a partner, and/or a stable/secure group of friends.

I imagine these feelings are pretty relatable here but I'm curious to know - how alone are you?

I'm so alone if I need a friend I have to get one from eBay!

 

[Meaninglessness]

Most of us will be alone if we live long enough. Time destroys everything. I prefer being alone than to live with someone who is mean.

 

[HumansAreHell]

I'm a 36 yr old woman with a pretty generic, dead end 9-5 and outside the mandatory workplace interactions, I don't really speak to anyone. I have flatmates but I barely interact with them and spend virtually all my time alone in my room, as I have done since I was a child. I've grown apart or fallen out with the few friends I've made as an adult, and can go months without seeing or speaking to the remaining four or five pals in my life. With the exception of one brief thing in my early twenties, I've never been in a relationship (physical or emotional), and I stopped dating around 7 years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years and I'm not a part of a family.

I feel so consumed with shame and embarrassment about who I am and how I live. Everyone deals with loneliness, but I think the way I live must come across as so abnormal and pathetic to others. I don't mean this in a 'I'm a special snowflake' kinda way but I just don't know anyone who is like me in this way - virtually everyone I know or interact with IRL has a family, a partner, and/or a stable/secure group of friends.

I imagine these feelings are pretty relatable here but I'm curious to know - how alone are you?

This really hits home for me as I am in a very similar situation. I'm a 36 year old male stuck in a boring job where I barely see or interact with anyone. I don't really have friends left anymore and I'm so much of a loner that I don't really know how to fix it. I just feel incredibly alone to the point where it is ruining my health and as time passes it only gets worse.

I feel ashamed when I look back on my life and see that I don't really have much to show for it. I spent so much time feeling alone that I don't really know how to change it. Your comment about needing a lot of alone time and it not being a choice really resonates with me too. It's been something that has been an endlessly frustrating cycle for me that I can't seem to break. Socializing has always been very draining for me, yet something I've always needed. Mix that with the fact that I'm an insomniac who gets little sleep every night so I'm also always tired, therefore I have little energy to talk with people, and the fact that I always feel lonely only makes it more frustrating. I think it doesn't help that the people in my life don't really understand depression and aren't always good at respecting when I need my own time.

I'm really sorry that you have to experience feelings of shame about yourself like that. It's definitely a hard thing to go through. I think the views society place on us like that are a shame, people are overly judgmental. I feel like if the way you are living isn't hurting anyone then it isn't really there business. But I do understand I have a hard time letting go of similar feelings. Either way I'm hope things end up better for you one way or another. If you ever need to talk I am here.

 

[Niirvana]

I don't want to have interaction with any human being...I had a mask of joy all my life, when deep down I just want to die. In fact I suspect that I have autism. Nothing is fixed anymore, my life is over, it's a matter of time. And yes, since I was little I was alone and I liked solitude... so much that it completely took over me. Send u a hug!

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

Being alone is a terrible feeling. I've been alone most of my existance and now yet again. Gaming aliviates to some degree but it's an empty feeling bottom line.

 

[Aya&Dazy]

I am only a year younger than you. I live alone. I have 0 friend, I don't talk to my family and I work from home so I'm pretty much isolated myself from people. No dating because and I don't trust people. lol It's pretty lonely but it's also my comfort zone as an introvert. I will patiently waiting for N to be available again. Lost money in June because mine was seized. I believe there will be a new seller one day.

 

[doli_o]

I'm so sorry. I relate a lot to what you're saying. I think you're right as well- if we haven't been 'socialised' well growing up (bit like dogs I guess!) I think it's kind of natural we would struggle when we're adults. It's kind of odd though because I don't think I really struggled as a very young child. I just got more and more shy the more I grew I think. Still- I know what you mean that it feels less of a choice now- although I suppose it is still our choice to isolate because the alternative seems too scary or too uncomfortable.

I need a lot of alone time too. Sometimes I actually surprise myself around people but I find it exhausting and like you- talk of families, boyfriends etc is not something I can relate to at all and I feel kind of uncomfortable.

Wow, that quote is so sad but yes, I think it holds a lot of truth in it.

It sounds as if you have had a (close?) friendship in the past? That also sounds similar to me. It's not that I've never had friends. I did have a best friend- who I cared so much about (and still do- but it's different now.) Our lives have moved on now though and she has a family and a very busy life. We're barely friends at all now. Think that can be the other problem- if you get hurt by being close to people and losing them, it can make you reluctant to form new relationships. I'm also the same as you- in that I don't see the point in 'fair weather friends' or a relationship just for the sake of it.

'Stuck in a rut of my own doing'- That's exactly it really. Guess we kind of know we've got no one to blame but ourselves but it doesn't make it any easier to change things. I truly hope you do find the way out though- if you think it will help you. I wish you all the best.

I can relate to finding it hard to form new relationships, especially when it feels like you've fucked up with past ones. Kinda contradicting myself here, but I wouldn't say we should totally blame ourselves - personally, the last couple years have been rough for me, thanks to mental and physical illnesses, unemployment, housing issues, unresolved trauma, and some other fun shit. It depends on personal circumstance, but so many of us have to contend with factors beyond our control and we shouldn't berate ourselves for that (easier said than done tho). That said, I'm also trying to acknowledge that whatever's happened to me, I still control how I react/behave, and that's especially true of relationships. Again, way easier said than done. Anyways, sorry - I think I'm rambling and not 100% sure what I'm trying to say...I appreciate you sharing and the kind words, it helps to know my feelings aren't so abnormal/unrelatable, though I do hope you can find a way to cope too

I live with roommates and stay in my room for the majority of the time as well. Everyone else has things that they do daily like work or classes, yet I just remain here locked in my room. The only thing that really bothers me about this is how pathetic and sad it makes me feel. I definitely get down about seeing everyone else living comparatively normal lives while I am living my reclusive lifestyle. That being said, I will be moving soon into a much less crowded household and look forward to living around less people. Isolation is always much more peaceful for me when there aren't others around to remind me how maladaptive it is considered.

I'm sorry, that sounds tough to deal with and totally relatable. I tend to hide a lot at the weekends, mainly because I feel embarrassed about not having plans and it doesn't feel great to be surrounded by families/couples/friends when I'm out and about - it's like a self-fufilling prophecy. I also lie when colleagues ask the weekly 'what did you get up to' question, which feels pretty embarrassing. On my more hopeful days, I reckon caring less about what others think would make a difference - it's not like we owe anyone an explanation. I'm glad to hear you're moving soon, sounds like it might make a big difference Hope it works out for you.