Horrible twist of fate, wanting to CTB since then.. Anyone else?

[missingpeace]

I was once very happy with life, I was content, working, healthy in all aspects, enjoyed the company of friends, relatives, loved experiencing life in all it's aspects. There was nothing else I really wanted, I had everything... and then it all changed once a person met me, destroyed my life is an understatement. This woman went out of her way to make my life a living hell, everything was in the supernatural where nothing could get caught or held accountable. I couldn't fight her off, or get rid off her, no matter how many people I went to or how many prayers I did.
Now in my current state, I have lost everything, my health, my happiness, my relationships, she killed me completely inside.
Everyday I rewind to that fateful day I took up the job that I met this woman... if only I hadn't travelled to that city.. if only I hadn't taken the job.. I wouldn't be here at the crossroads of my death.. constantly reminded of the invisible prison I'm living in and the inevitable that lies before me..

Is there anyone else who's had their lives changed in an instant, who's still grieving what they lost, knowing they will never get it back? It's a really difficult place to be in.. to endure a horrible twist of fate. There is no upside to this situation, the sooner death comes.. the more gratuitous I will be.

 

[BroodingBleu]

In somewhat similar circumstances, I met someone when I was 18 and they began to sink their fingers into me. I knew I had an issue with my mental health and gender identity as it was at the time, because I had always felt that way, but with that aside I was actually very happy. I had pursued the career I wanted, I was making extremely good money for my age and I was getting ready to attend college courses on top of everything else.

However, after I had met this individual they began to, for a lack of better words, groom me to be a miserable mess, gaslighting me into certain situations, becoming abusive enough to hurt me, but not necessarily raise suspicion to others. Because of this person, I questioned absolutely every faucet about myself, whether or not I truly loved anything about me or if every aspect of me was a lie, and I still question all of these things to this very day as I have no idea what is truly a part of me or what was instilled in me to be my normal.

This individual caused me to separate myself from quite literally all of my friends I had at the time, which admittedly wasn't much, but it was GOOD friends that I ended up treating like shit and neglecting due to how I felt personally. My career began to crumble very rapidly, calling in sick frequently, getting written up for continuously screwing up menial tasks, etc etc.

Unfortunately, I only realized all of these things now, after being separated [and I like to use the term saved] from this person for roughly two years, maybe slightly less.

What did I lose to this person? My sense of identity, my innocence, my career for the most part, my friends and family, and the best part is that I am dug so deep into a financial hole that I don't even want to climb out anymore.

The pros of my realization? That I am better off without them, and that, on my optimistic days, I can recover from the abuse and trauma I've endured from yet another stupid decision I have made in my life.

That all being said, I find that CTBing will most likely be my outcome, whether it be soon or decades from now. I just know my fate is sealed in something else other than growing old, not that I even want to do that anyways. Thats way too long of a lifespan for me personally.