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hey, no public is ok. Yes, and No. in the states I was on wellbutrin and Abilify. I cant get Abilify in the southern town I live in, I'd have to make the four hour trek to Bangkk for it. SO I'm just on the Wellburtrin. I'm doing alright. I miss my old life back in the states. And still dealign with the mourning for all that I loss
you asked another question I didn't answer: Do I feel trapped here as If I can't return. I'm a professor at age 53, so the job market is difficult for someone in my position. So though I looked for new teaching jobs in the states so as to stay nearer to my daughter, this is the job that was made available. So I took it. I don't feel "trapped" in the sense that I couldn't return to the US, and if fact I keep my eyes open for positions in my field and should some become available, I would apply -- but again at 53, not a perfect candidate, Usually universities prefer to higher brand new PhDs right out of grad school - they can pay them less, etc.. But if I were offered something closer to my daughter, I would take it, That's if I don't continue on my current path to CTB. I'm not really on speaking terms with my ex. I mean we're cordial and discuss matters related to our daughter (she's getting braces soon, etc) but she has no interest in engaging with me beyond that limited scope. If you've read any of my story, you know that I caused her great pain so I don't blame her for not wanting much to to do with me. But she's an excellent mother, realizes her daughter loves and needs her father in her life - as much as that is possible from here in Thailand -- so she facilitates that. Otherwise, not so much... Again, if you've read about my story and know what terrible things I did to her with my infidelity, you'll understand why she doesn't think much of me...
Thank you so much for responding to my messages That is awesome you have a PhD, and from your previous posts, you sound like you've experienced a lot of success in your career (e.g., positive feedback from students). I'm so glad you don't feel trapped, and I'm glad you found a way to keep working...even if it's in SE Asia. Yes, I've read what you've written about your story, and it seems like you heap an enormous amount of blame on yourself. I understand your wife was hurt, but you sound so acutely aware of your weaknesses -- I don't know if that's with the time to reflect afterwards, but...I don't want to talk out of turn, but you seem so kind and self-aware, I don't know, and I know it doesn't excuse anything, but I really wish there were more people in life who were sympathetic to mental illness; I mean recognizing that for all the trouble we cause, we give so much as well. I'm sorry that you are away from your daughter. Thank you for answering all my questions. I've said this before on this site, but it always frustrates me to hear such good, soulful, vulnerable, articulate people (like you) in so much pain. I thank you for sharing your stories on this site. I have read them, and they give me much comfort --- especially the amount of time you seem to have invested in introspection...I like reading what you write. You're a good contributor. Thank you again.
Wow, what an amazingly kind and affirming message. THANK YOU! It's been a difficult few days for me here so you don't realize how well timed this was! And I'm moved by you putting me in the same category as the many we've both obviously come across here: kind, compassionate, in their own pain but still able to show real concern for the suffering of others. That's why I think of this as a sacred space. It's like no other that I've found. As for the blame you noted that I put on myself, that's a tough one. During my 15 years in AA I learned about making amends to try to set things right when we've harmed others. It's a powerful healing process. But I haven't been able to muster the courage to engage her in that way yet. I may never find the courage, because it would involve me laying out to her all the ways that I know I harmed her (the infidelity, the escorts, her finding proof of that when she found an explicit description I wrote of one experience -- can you imagine how she suffered reading an essentially pornographic story about the supposed love of her life?). It's been almost three years since all that happened but this is the only place I've been able to admit to the things I did to her and my family. So though this place has helped me unburden some of the weight of that remorse and shame, it's still a heavy burden. And I also think that participating in this forum, sharing my stories, hearing those of others, etc. has actually started the mourning process for all that I lost, not just my family, but my previous position, my reputation, my self-respect even. I think that for the last few years I've really just kept those feelings buried and tried my best to carry on. It was especially important that when I had my daughter for half the week, that I try to be in good spirits, etc. So a friend from back there recently pointed out to me in a text that it seemed to her that I was finally honestly confronting the enormity of my loss, and that this was a good thing. That I was finally starting to mourn. So maybe there's still hope that I can find a way to both own all that I have done but not be crushed by its weight. Anyway, I just want to say thank you again for your message. I really needed that. peace to you friend. b.
