Venting hoping to be diagnosed with cancer because that would be fair to the world

[dinosavr]

I used to be scared of the idea of being diagnosed with cancer one day, but since I have depression, it changed. And now I have the proof thatI'm not just talking crazy, but I actually dream about it.
It may seem controversial and disrespectful to others who have cancer and it destroyed their lives but that's what makes me feel like it's fair. I want to die and I cant seem to do it myself, I'm losing hope that I'll ever be fully ready. And cancer is a great excuse to kill myself! I might very much do it in such scenario. No one will blame me. And there are so many innocent people who die from cancer every single day and they want to live!

Recently, I've started the diagnosis process for my eye and yesterday I was on MRI scan of my head. I got the scans and of course it all looks like a pulp and I'm nowhere near doctor lol, but I found some elements that kind of look like they have potential to be a tumor. I discovered later on that it's what I've been waiting for. And when I receive results and it will all be alright, I think I'd be truly disappointed. Keep your fingers crossed guys!!

 

[hadenough58]

I do not have a specific terminal disease in mibd but it would be the perfect answer for me, I say this as it takes the decision out of my hands, provides a life insurance payout for my children and no stigma from judgmental people on my taking my own life.