Venting Hopeless and helpless

[timetodie24]

People trying to tell me to get help is a joke. Do you think I'd be on this site and in suicide not recovery section if I hadn't already tried all that. Tried many services and treatments. I'm not unwell . I was just born defective. There is no reason for me to live.
Won't be gaslit into ignoring the system either. It exists to maintain order. I'm an error that needs correcting. The 'voices' are just guiding me. You don't understand the very real danger. If I don't die, others have to so that order is restored. It's very real and urgent. I'm not imagining this. There are forces you don't understand.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello,

First of all, thank you for posting. I think your post is actually more helpful than therapy, medication, treatment, etc., because some people feel less alone when they see your post.

People trying to tell me to get help is a joke.

And those people just don't want to talk to you, but don't want to be seen as a bad people either. They're thinking of themselves, not you. I agree with you.

Won't be gaslit into ignoring the system either. It exists to maintain order. I'm an error that needs correcting.

I'm an "error" as well on this correctional facility called the earth - I'm basically a prisoner who has to obey the wardens. And everything is prisoners' fault here - if you were beaten up by other inmates, it would be your fault. Everything would be justified if it helps to maintain order. I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. Sometimes I feel like this, too.

The 'voices' are just guiding me. You don't understand the very real danger. If I don't die, others have to so that order is restored. It's very real and urgent. I'm not imagining this. There are forces you don't understand.

I think this feeling, or possibly knowledge, is unique to you and it's hard to be understand without your guidance. If you are comfortable with, could you please explain how you or others would be harmed and the order would be restored?

I saw this thread and some people suggested you might have schizophrenia but I don't label you as anything - it doesn't serve the purpose.

CTB to save others

Does anyone else feel they have to die to allow others to live ? I have many reasons for CTB. The main reason is I see no point in being alive at all. However, more pressing reason atm is that my mind is being controlled by external forces. They have warned me if I don't CTB by a certain date...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Wanting to sacrifice yourself to save others is very understandable. Thank you for reading.
I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

 

[timetodie24]

Hello,

First of all, thank you for posting. I think your post is actually more helpful than therapy, medication, treatment, etc., because some people feel less alone when they see your post.


And those people just don't want to talk to you, but don't want to be seen as a bad people either. They're thinking of themselves, not you. I agree with you.


I'm an "error" as well on this correctional facility called the earth - I'm basically a prisoner who has to obey the wardens. And everything is prisoners' fault here - if you were beaten up by other inmates, it would be your fault. Everything would be justified if it helps to maintain order. I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. Sometimes I feel like this, too.


I think this feeling, or possibly knowledge, is unique to you and it's hard to be understand without your guidance. If you are comfortable with, could you please explain how you or others would be harmed and the order would be restored?

I saw this thread and some people suggested you might have schizophrenia but I don't label you as anything - it doesn't serve the purpose.

CTB to save others

Does anyone else feel they have to die to allow others to live ? I have many reasons for CTB. The main reason is I see no point in being alive at all. However, more pressing reason atm is that my mind is being controlled by external forces. They have warned me if I don't CTB by a certain date...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Wanting to sacrifice yourself to save others is very understandable. Thank you for reading.
I hope your days will be a bit less unbearable

Thank you so much for your understanding and thoughtful response I appreciate you taking the time and not just dismissing me either.
Yes I thought this is the one place where people would realise how unhelpful ' go see a dr' can be. They can't fix everything and sometimes make things worse too.
I'm sorry you feel you're an error too, it's such an awful and lonely feeling. I hope you find some peace in some way.
It's complex and I don't fully understand it but basically there is domino effect due to me living past the day I should've died. To stop further consequences (people around me getting ill, injured or dying) I have to die or have to harm someone else so they take my place. But ofc I choose dying as wanted to for a long time anyway.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Thank you so much for your understanding and thoughtful response I appreciate you taking the time and not just dismissing me either.
Yes I thought this is the one place where people would realise how unhelpful ' go see a dr' can be. They can't fix everything and sometimes make things worse too.

Thank you for your reply and kind words

My doctors couldn't fix me because my problem isn't mental illness but not being able to fit in workplace.
I've seen people who had been harmed by malpractice and their doctors enjoy impunity - they're basically latter-day autocrats who are considered to be always right, even when they make things worse. They simply blame their patients.

I'm sorry you feel you're an error too, it's such an awful and lonely feeling. I hope you find some peace in some way.

Thank you, and I'm trying to recover, even though I feel hopeless. Currently I exercise at the gym and it's enjoyable. I might achieve remission if I'm lucky.

It's complex and I don't fully understand it but basically there is domino effect due to me living past the day I should've died. To stop further consequences (people around me getting ill, injured or dying) I have to die or have to harm someone else so they take my place. But ofc I choose dying as wanted to for a long time anyway.

Thank you for telling me.
I often imagine hitting people while driving and killing them. Killing somebody inadvertently or letting them die is terrifying. I believe in God personally and I think he'd punish me for it, but what I really fear is inflicting such agony on somebody because of my mistake. It's irredeemable. This is just my case but if I killed somebody I'd feel I should die to prevent further deaths.

You don't try to throw somebody else under the bus. It resonates me - I always end up getting bullied at work because I try to save somebody else. And my suicidal thoughts flare up. People might think I'm stupid but I just can't stop doing this.

While I don't discourage you from seeing another doctor, I believe you need kindness, not emotional invalidation.

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you for your reply and kind words

My doctors couldn't fix me because my problem isn't mental illness but not being able to fit in workplace.
I've seen people who had been harmed by malpractice and their doctors enjoy impunity - they're basically latter-day autocrats who are considered to be always right, even when they make things worse. They simply blame their patients.


Thank you, and I'm trying to recover, even though I feel hopeless. Currently I exercise at the gym and it's enjoyable. I might achieve remission if I'm lucky.


Thank you for telling me.
I often imagine hitting people while driving and killing them. Killing somebody inadvertently or letting them die is terrifying. I believe in God personally and I think he'd punish me for it, but what I really fear is inflicting such agony on somebody because of my mistake. It's irredeemable. This is just my case but if I killed somebody I'd feel I should die to prevent further deaths.

You don't try to throw somebody else under the bus. It resonates me - I always end up getting bullied at work because I try to save somebody else. And my suicidal thoughts flare up. People might think I'm stupid but I just can't stop doing this.

While I don't discourage you from seeing another doctor, I believe you need kindness, not emotional invalidation.

I hear you about not fitting in at work. I'm unemployed and so hard to find somewhere I can fit in as I'm autistic.

I'm really glad there is some hope for you, even if it's small and you can't really feel
It, it does sound like you're not ready to give up and I hope you can achieve remission.
It's over me but always glad when there is hope for others .

Intrusive thoughts can be the worst, I'm sorry you really struggle with those fears. My own death doesn't scare me at all but others deaths really do.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I hear you about not fitting in at work. I'm unemployed and so hard to find somewhere I can fit in as I'm autistic.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm not autistic, but I have poor communication skills and have made people angry.
And when I was unemployed I had nothing to do and it was pure torture. It was really unbearable, so I inevitably made several CTB attempts and went to a psych ward.

I'm really glad there is some hope for you, even if it's small and you can't really feel
It, it does sound like you're not ready to give up and I hope you can achieve remission.
It's over me but always glad when there is hope for others .

Thank you so much, and you're really really kind - thank you for talking with me.
Yes, I have some hope, even though sometimes I feel like my life was a lost cause.

Intrusive thoughts can be the worst, I'm sorry you really struggle with those fears. My own death doesn't scare me at all but others deaths really do.

I often make mistakes in everything, so driving a vehicle is somewhat scary to me.
And I'm so sorry that you think you're putting others in danger - your sense of guilt is inconceivable. But I can't disprove your concern, as I don't know about your situation.