Hopeless again

[tookalongvacation]

I haven't been on here in a while. Work means I have been too busy to feel suicidal. Maybe that's what we all need, to be too busy. I know that's rubbish because these feelings have crept back in again. I spend all my time working and I like my job, but sometimes I go to the bathroom and just cry for an hour on my lunch break. I come home and cry. Even before I get there I cry. Once I get there I'm fine. I'm waffling but my work should make things easier but it doesn't, I have no money left every month because I'm paying off loads of debts I accumulated whilst I was unemployed last year due to being mentally unwell and in an abusive relationship. I feel like such a burden on everyone, keeping up with everything is impossible. There isn't actually a single person I'm not a burden to, that isn't a joke or self pity. It's true. I just feel so lonely sometimes. If I ever lost my job I'd seriously fucking kill myself. I make the most horrific decisions, I have moods where I get extremely upset and stressed or sad and say things I don't mean which leaves me feeling permanently guilty. I'm so fucking done for and I wish I had someone I could talk to in person about this.