Hopefully this is goodbye

[Rue89]

I've been debating when to post my goodbye thread. I'm feeling a lot of mixed and changing emotions. Right now I feel mostly lonely and anxious. I guess ctb is a lonely thing, and I don't want to die all alone. I was going to post this shortly before I drink SN, but I don't want to be alone all day with my secret and bottled up emotions.

Thank you everyone for supporting me through all of this. I'm sorry for worrying people with my goodbye thread then backing out before. I promise I won't back out this time. I really can't. If for some reason my family disrupts my ctb like they did last Friday I'll do it early tomorrow morning at the park. I will get it done. I don't feel the pressure that I did with my last goodbye thread, only the pressure I'm putting on myself. I feel like posting this thread makes this feel even more real.

More importantly I made a promise to myself a while ago that I would ctb. I'm still feeling anxious about it, but not the crippling anxiety I felt the last time. Going through each of my worries and analyzing them really helped. I also made a detailed checklist of everything I need to get done before I ctb. I feel much more prepared.

Anxiety has controlled my life for too long. I know it will never get better. It's time for me to be free from it.


This is my full schedule. It may have to be adjusted slightly depending on when my mom leaves. This is in central time.

8:30 am - start fasting
1:30 - phenibut 750mg
2:30 - limit water intake
3:30 - water fast
3:30 - propranolol 40mg, acetaminophen 1,000mg
3:40 - domperidone 20mg
4:00 - famotidine 40mg
4:30 - SN 25g + propranolol 200mg in 50ml water

 

[FuneralCry]

If this is what you want then I hope you find peace. Anxiety can certainly ruin our lives. Nobody deserves to suffer in this world.

 

[nopointofliving]

I'm sorry life has been unfair and mean to you. Hope you find the peace and light you're looking for. Sending you hugs and love.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, I've said it a few times, I respect your decision but be 100% sure to do it. After all, there's no turning back and death is there, patiently waiting for us. We just gotta wait for the right time.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Rue89]

Well, I've said it a few times, I respect your decision but be 100% sure to do it. After all, there's no turning back and death is there, patiently waiting for us. We just gotta wait for the right time.

Whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace.

Hugs,

Matt

Thank you. I am 100% sure. Anxiety has just gotten in the way before, but I won't let it stop me this time.

 

[yive]

good luck! i understand your feelings so much. i'll join you soon. you are not alone.
may freedom, love, peace and bliss be with you!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

A little candle will burn for you, I hope it will guide your soul to love and peace

 

[Conflict3d]

Wish you the best with whatever you decide.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Wishing you peace on your journey

 

[Rue89]

I'm already starting to feel hungry. That sucks. My anxiety is relatively low. I've been listening to some music which I think is helping to calm me.

 

[Sensei]

I hope that you will get your heart's desire, be it life or death. Just remember that there's no shame in changing your mind, no matter if you've made a promise or not. Your option to die by your own hand won't disappear.

 

[Meditation guide]

@Rue89 I know you've been thinking about this a long time and I would do anything I could to help you to have a happier life but I know I can't. I've always liked you. Please be careful.

 

[BottomlessPit]

I promise I won't back out this time.

You don't have to promise us anything. I know that you may not believe me, but I can assure you that absolutely no one on this forum will think badly of you if you end up not exiting. We support any decision you make, be it dying by suicide or choosing life. You are not bothering anyone here if you end up living. You have no obligation to die.

I wish you the best, regardless of what happens.

 

[poisonedminds]

I'm already starting to feel hungry. That sucks. My anxiety is relatively low. I've been listening to some music which I think is helping to calm me.

may i recommend some good tea or coffee?

 

[Rue89]

may i recommend some good tea or coffee?

Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately I don't like plain teas and coffee. I think those would've been fine, but I wonder about cappuccino. 4 hours before SN? I'm guessing it's something I shouldn't risk? I'm not sure.

 

[dark_angel]

Are you using HM brand SN ? I'm planning on using that one later

 

[Rue89]

Are you using HM brand SN ? I'm planning on using that one later

No, I'm using LW.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

No, I'm using LW.

Definitely will work. Can say for sure.

 

[Stroopwafel.]

I wish you a peaceful journey

 

[Rue89]

I decided to have a small cappuccino. I think it should be ok. I digest stuff pretty quickly, especially liquids. Also my mom will have heard me in the kitchen and think I was making lunch, which is a good thing.

 

[In2TheVoid]

wishing you a peaceful journey if you go through with it, there's no shame in changing your mind... I'm sorry you've had such a hard time

 

[Rue89]

I just took the phenibut.


Thank you all for helping me get through today.

 

[poisonedminds]

Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately I don't like plain teas and coffee. I think those would've been fine, but I wonder about cappuccino. 4 hours before SN? I'm guessing it's something I shouldn't risk? I'm not sure.

yeah i wouldn't do cappucino. Maybe just chew some gum then. Good luck :)

 

[Rue89]

I'm feeling pretty calm. It seems odd but I welcome it. I wonder if it's because of the phenibut.

 

[lanax09]

how long does it take before loss of consciousness?

 

[elfgyoza]

Rue I've never talked to you, but I've seen you around SS for ages, I wish you peace no matter what you decide to do. Good luck and don't forget, there's absolutely no shame in having to change the plan

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I wish you eternal peace, my good friend. And remember there's no shame in backing out.

 

[Rue89]

I just took the propranolol and acetaminophen.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Finally at peace with your decision. That is good.

Like I said in your last goodbye post, don't really know you. But I still feel for you regardless. Shame that it came to this point for you, but, I get it. Sometimes we cannot find the answers we seek or even another alternative other than the ultimate one.

That said, I wish you a safe journey and I hope you will find the peace and comfort you so desperately desire.

 

[Rue89]

This is a surreal feeling, realizing that soon I won't be alive on this earth anymore. I believe in God and Heaven, but honestly I don't want to live forever and I can't help but kind of hope I'm wrong, or maybe He will let me choose eternal nothingness instead. I hope thinking like this isn't a sin. I hope He forgives me.