Hopefully They Don't Notice

[Kari]

It's 3am on my sister's birthday, and here I am dissolving my Amitriptyline in a dumb bottle about to try CTB. I've never felt more selfish in my life but I don't know how much more I can take... I'm scared to hurt people, god am I scared... But I know people will be better off without me, they just don't know it yet. I love my family, my friends and my girlfriend to no end... This is for them. I hope they just leave me to sleep, I hope they don't notice until after they enjoy their days.

I wish I knew how to tell them goodbye without worrying them, I wish I knew how to explain just how much they all mean to me. I wish I knew the right words if any, but I just don't.

Maybe once I'm gone people will finally take me seriously, maybe my psychiatrist and therapist will see that I wasn't faking it. It wasn't "just an autism thing", it wasn't "maladaptive coping strategies". I was a real person who was truly in pain and they threw me to the side like I was nothing, they walked over me like every other person in my past bar a few.


All I can say is that I'm sorry. I hope this is my last post, but I can't even kill myself right so... I guess we will see.

Goodbye.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sad and sorry for the pain that has brought you here. I wish you a peaceful journey and freedom from your suffering.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you have suffered a lot, it's such a cruel existence that brings people to this point. Farewell, I wish you freedom from all pain.

 

[makethepainstop]

When your in pain, you will find a way to relieve the pain. Just human nature.

 

[Kari]

Update:

So I did my Antiemetic and dissolved my pills, then numbed my mouth so I couldn't (hopefully) taste how bitter it was. To be quite honest, I was so hopeful for once in my life, ready to get it over with. The biggest issue I had was actually getting it into my system… I have the worst gag reflex possible and as soon as I tried to take a sip? Threw up… I'll probably try again soon, but if I can't pass the issue of it hitting my tongue and gagging… I don't know what to do.

Thank you for all being so sweet btw, thank you.