Seems like it would be a popular time for this
Halloween does seem popular from what I've seen!
I don't have any particular connection to halloween, I don't even like it that much, it just happened to be the date near enough at the end of this week lmao.
This is when I'm attempting too. I've neglected doing almost anything except the bare minimum for months because I know I'll be dying soon anyways. I may go see a friend, I might not. It might make it harder than it needs to be. Hopefully we'll see each other on the other side.
I think I read a thread of yours yesterday. I really hope that you pass peacefully and painlessly and that you find everything you're searching for in death, genuinely. I really appreciate you coming to my post.
What were your failed attempts?
Can you describe them? It can be really helpful for others to try to get an understanding of where you went wrong.
Yeah of course, I actuall really like talking about it, eventhough I feel some shame.
For some context, my chosen spot is a rural railway line with open tracks that runs across a large river, so theres sort of a beach area right beside them. There are no cameras and very few people.
I can't remember my first attempt at all, I don't know why. It happened on July 20th.
During my second attempt, I got to my spot at around 11am to wait for a train that was due to arrive around 6 (so I was pretty early and it was summer so it was super bright). I messed around with laying my neck on the tracks, walking along them, all stuff I'd obviously done before, but the bulk of my time there was just sat in the sun listening to music. I did feel a lot of distress during and after this attempt, I think it was mostly because of the shame of surviving the first try, but I just couldn't get my legs to move towards the tracks once I knew the train was coming. I was stood there with the tracker on my phone just sobbing because my legs wouldn't go lmao. I had gotten some news about moving house that day which made me feel really conflicted about ctb. That was on July 25th.
I think where I failed first was just being there for so long. I let things stew for hours because I thought reflecting would make me feel better but I'm not sure that it did. I think also something about it being daytime just threw me off- I had always imagined committing suicide at night.
Then, I tried again on October 1st with a much more successful try. My plan was to keep myself busy, so I'd gone to uni in the morning before heading home for a few hours where I started drinking. I'd heard a lot of success with drinking before an attempt so I went with that. I think I had about 6 shots down me before I left the house but I totalled closer to 16 by the time I got there. I had about an hour to kill, so I just listened to some music and wrote a quick note, it basically said:
My name is --- I'm a 19 year old trans male
I have attemted suicide, in the case of injury or death, call:
You get the idea. Then I added a bit to the bottom about who I wanted my laptop to go to because I had somebody in mind for that. It's also worth noting that I sat on a bench far away from the tracks while doing this and only walked to the beach when I knew it was time. I recorded a message on the beach about 20 minutes before the train was due.
By the time my train was due to pass, it was pitch black and I decided to get on the tracks about 10 minutes before the train. I walked up to find a spot that wasn't lit by a lamppost. My plan at the time was to sit, but somehow I actually found it a lot easier to lay down. I tried with my neck over the rail but it was uncomfrotable lmao, so I laid on my side facing away from the oncoming train. I remember this visual very very clearly. Just staring forward in the dark. All I remember thinking was 'wow this is easy, all I have to do is lay here, just don't get up, It'll be okay'.
For some reason, after laying for about a minute, I started to get really confusing fears about after death. I'm an avid believer in reincarnation and so what happens after death has never been a worry for me, but something about the suprise made me stand up and I ran back to my bag. I have no idea why. I think it was just some last ditch attempt from my instincts. The train was due in about 3 minutes from when I made it back to my bag, at which point I recorded another message.
I felt really shitty about this attempt, but looking back on it, it was a pretty damn good go and I know what to expect for next time. In some ways, it was easier than I expected but I also hadn't anticipated that my brain would throw random fears at me. Now that I know I have the capability of laying down, I will more actively persue decapitation this time. Maybe I will try putting my head down at the last second.
After my attempt on the 1st, I feel really confident about my next try. I'm trying not to see my previous attempts as failures but just stepping stones to a final goal. Just testing the waters a little more each time.
Thank you for asking.
I don't think you need to justify your feelings, everyone has their own ways of handling things as well as emotional responses. What bothers you, may not bother someone else and vice versa - so don't ever downplay your emotion in that sense, as your feelings are still valid and matter.
I'm also sorry you've lost your passion for Art, Art thrives on passion and creativity - to bring out a spec of individuality in each piece you create. Is there something that caused you to lose this? or perhaps a different avenue you can explore to reignite it?
I hope whatever choice you make, you are happy and at peace. Enjoy the moments of feeling real and indulge in things that bring you joy.
I'm not sure what caused me to lose my passion. I've tried a lot of different art- painting, illustration, photography, graphics. I think I'm just tired and honestly getting a job as an artist is impossible too, especially since I don't want to make commercial work. Everything just feels impossible.
I think I could reignite my passion if I really tried. My interest is still there but it doesn't justify the amount of work I'd have to put in, honestly. I think I've just accepted death at this point and all that comes with it, the loss of art being one.
