Hopefully I'll be gone for good this time

[burninghill]

Everything feels flat and empty. I constantly feel dissasociated, like I'm living through memories or dreams or someone elses perspective. Everything lacks emotion unless its fear or anxiety.

Every time I've let myself live without actively planning suicide, its with still knowing that at some point I will kill myself. I can't keep repeating these cycles over and over again, hoping things will get better before falling into a pit of distress, anxiety and desperation for relief. It isn't worth it anymore. There is something fundamentally wrong with me and I think that suicide is Gods plan for me.

I will try to decapitate myself underneath a train, which is the same method I used for all previous attempts, the only difference being that I will either do it very early in the morning or much later at night. 8pm (the train time I used for all previous attempts) is not dark or isolated enough at this time of year.

I haven't set a date yet, but I will be killing myself in early June. All I can do is that it works out, failing again would genuinely be horrific and I know I'll end up here again.
I really wish I had people around me who would notice me and ask if I'm okay, REALLY ask. I hope I die and come back as a person who can enjoy this life.

Please pray that I die

 

[Aknu132]

I hope that in the afterlife you finally can have a good life, that you never suffer again, that you finally found someome to care for you, good luck @burninghill, hope you finally find your peace.