holy shit i did it

[blueclover_.]

i just bought 2 of 5 ml syringes to do the SN blood test. The pharmacist looked like he was suspicious of me since i don't look like i'd use these things for medical stuff and i look very young also. I wanted to ask for meto but i was nervous he'd warn others about me or something so i walked out of there quickly. I've never been to a pharmacy alone in my life. The adrenaline i felt during the ride home was cool, i walked past my family members in the living room, greeted them, but they didn't know that i'm getting closer to ctb. It gives me a sense of power and control, esp since they're one of the reasons i want to ctb. I imagine their shocked faces when they find my body, oooh, that would be awesome. A lifetime trauma might teach them to treat people better. I know this sounds like a revenge suicide, because it partly is. I can't wait. When my SI is weak enough and the situation is bad enough, i can finally do it. I can finally be free from this hell.

 

[Shadowplay]

i just bought 2 of 5 ml syringes to do the SN blood test. The pharmacist looked like he was suspicious of me since i don't look like i'd use these things for medical stuff and i look very young also. I wanted to ask for meto but i was nervous he'd warn others about me or something so i walked out of there quickly. I've never been to a pharmacy alone in my life. The adrenaline i felt during the ride home was cool, i walked past my family members in the living room, greeted them, but they didn't know that i'm getting closer to ctb. It gives me a sense of power and control, esp since they're one of the reasons i want to ctb. I imagine their shocked faces when they find my body, oooh, that would be awesome. A lifetime trauma might teach them to treat people better. I know this sounds like a revenge suicide, because it partly is. I can't wait. When my SI is weak enough and the situation is bad enough, i can finally do it. I can finally be free from this hell.

I'm mad jelly - still tryna score some N.

Also I did a thread on revenge CTB and someone tried to tell me it doesn't exist or something (lol).

 

[Someone123]

i just bought 2 of 5 ml syringes to do the SN blood test. The pharmacist looked like he was suspicious of me since i don't look like i'd use these things for medical stuff and i look very young also. I wanted to ask for meto but i was nervous he'd warn others about me or something so i walked out of there quickly. I've never been to a pharmacy alone in my life. The adrenaline i felt during the ride home was cool, i walked past my family members in the living room, greeted them, but they didn't know that i'm getting closer to ctb. It gives me a sense of power and control, esp since they're one of the reasons i want to ctb. I imagine their shocked faces when they find my body, oooh, that would be awesome. A lifetime trauma might teach them to treat people better. I know this sounds like a revenge suicide, because it partly is. I can't wait. When my SI is weak enough and the situation is bad enough, i can finally do it. I can finally be free from this hell.

Is there a chance that anyone in your family would try to make your life easier if they knew how bad this was getting? It's just that you want to be sure about things before you try to ctb.

 

[blueclover_.]

I'm mad jelly - still tryna score some N.

Also I did a thread on revenge CTB and someone tried to tell me it doesn't exist or something (lol).

Lol. For ex tough kids like me revenge suicide is only natural. I feel euphoric when i think about suicide, something about SI trying so hard to keep me tortured in this hellish fucking nightmare of a world when i'm just like nope, i won't be here for 80+ years just because some genes refuse to die down so they created a chemical reaction which causes survival instinct. It's so satisfying going against what evolution has programmed you to think and feel. True freedom of thoughts. Life is the source of suffering because if you don't need to breathe, you don't need to evolve the feeling of suffocaion. If you don't have a brain, you can't feel any kind of pain. Literally just chilling in the void is better than these chemical reactions in the brain called life.

 

[FuneralCry]

Being alive certainly is hell. Death is freedom and it is what I look forward to. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[apathetic.]

Wishing you well. Hope to join you soon enough :)

 

[Auto Immunity After]

i just bought 2 of 5 ml syringes to do the SN blood test. The pharmacist looked like he was suspicious of me since i don't look like i'd use these things for medical stuff and i look very young also. I wanted to ask for meto but i was nervous he'd warn others about me or something so i walked out of there quickly. I've never been to a pharmacy alone in my life. The adrenaline i felt during the ride home was cool, i walked past my family members in the living room, greeted them, but they didn't know that i'm getting closer to ctb. It gives me a sense of power and control, esp since they're one of the reasons i want to ctb. I imagine their shocked faces when they find my body, oooh, that would be awesome. A lifetime trauma might teach them to treat people better. I know this sounds like a revenge suicide, because it partly is. I can't wait. When my SI is weak enough and the situation is bad enough, i can finally do it. I can finally be free from this hell.

IF you are female, you dont need any syringes , you just need to wait until you get your next period...

 

[IsThisReal]

I am very sorry for your suffering. If I understand you correctly, you mainly want to ctb due to the way your family treats you?
Since I am considering leaving this world due to health issues, which I can only do very little about, I think one should not consider ctb when the reasons for that can be controlled / improve with time.

 

[Someone123]

i just bought 2 of 5 ml syringes to do the SN blood test. The pharmacist looked like he was suspicious of me since i don't look like i'd use these things for medical stuff and i look very young also. I wanted to ask for meto but i was nervous he'd warn others about me or something so i walked out of there quickly. I've never been to a pharmacy alone in my life. The adrenaline i felt during the ride home was cool, i walked past my family members in the living room, greeted them, but they didn't know that i'm getting closer to ctb. It gives me a sense of power and control, esp since they're one of the reasons i want to ctb. I imagine their shocked faces when they find my body, oooh, that would be awesome. A lifetime trauma might teach them to treat people better. I know this sounds like a revenge suicide, because it partly is. I can't wait. When my SI is weak enough and the situation is bad enough, i can finally do it. I can finally be free from this hell.

I definitely believe that people should be able to choose to stay here or to move on to whatever is next if they choose, but it's just that the term revenge suicide concerns me, because it seems to imply that some people will be really hurt if you commit suicide so this seems to imply that they would do lot to help you to stop feeling this way, which seems to imply that there is possibly real hope of getting your life to be a lot better. It's just that if a person does try to ctb they should be pretty confident that it is their best option, and the term revenge suicide seems to imply that some people really care and that they might be able to really help enough so that there is real hope.

 

[blueclover_.]

I am very sorry for your suffering. If I understand you correctly, you mainly want to ctb due to the way your family treats you?
Since I am considering leaving this world due to health issues, which I can only do very little about, I think one should not consider ctb when the reasons for that can be controlled / improve with time.

No, i don't mainly want to ctb because of that. There are personal, financial, and philosophical reasons too. My family is just the cherry on top.

I definitely believe that people should be able to choose to stay here or to move on to whatever is next if they choose, but it's just that the term revenge suicide concerns me, because it seems to imply that some people will be really hurt if you commit suicide so this seems to imply that they would do lot to help you to stop feeling this way, which seems to imply that there is possibly real hope of getting your life to be a lot better. It's just that if a person does try to ctb they should be pretty confident that it is their best option, and the term revenge suicide seems to imply that some people really care and that they might be able to really help enough so that there is real hope.

I mean, yeah they do probably care a lot about me but they wouldn't do anything to help me. They'll tell me how much they love me while keep forcing me to do things i hate for their own benefits. I feel used, i am used, and they pay me with meaningless sweet words. Their love is conditional and help is not possible to come from their hands without me having to give something to them once again. Would that be sweet if i'm gone and they lose their investment, i mean, child. Hope i could see that as a ghost.

IF you are female, you dont need any syringes , you just need to wait until you get your next period...

My period blood is dark brown most of the time, so i can't count on that. I can handle a few blown veins.

 

[Insomniac]

The pharmacist looked like he was suspicious of me since i don't look like i'd use these things for medical stuff

exactly what happened to me when I asked for surgerical cloves and other weird stuff. But it could ha e been for a family member and if they asked what it is for, you could have just said you don't know (since "it's for a family member)"

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

yeah you will always get looks buying needles...

 

[blueclover_.]

yeah you will always get looks buying needles...

haha, drugs.

exactly what happened to me when I asked for surgerical cloves and other weird stuff. But it could ha e been for a family member and if they asked what it is for, you could have just said you don't know (since "it's for a family member)"

thx for the idea :D