Venting Holding myself accountable to suicide

[blinkblink]

i am making this thread to make me ctb. I hate myself and life and ive been suicidal for years but i cant bring myself to do it, even with a perfect plan. i make this thread to make my actions real, to finally ctb because i cant suffer any longer. my life is a living hell but im so scared of surviving a ctb attempt that i havent done it, (and because i always turn back right when im about to ctb). im so fucking tired of this. i have promised to myself that if life didnt get better in 6 months that i was going to ctb. that was 3 years ago. life only got worse. i just want to set in stone that i am going to ctb soon. i dont know when, whether tonight or this week or month (at most), but it will be soon. IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT

thanks for reading my rant, pls react/reply to hold me accountable

 

[hihi2027]

Sorry about your situation, I hope you can get better soon. What was/is your plan exactly if you dont mind going into detail?

 

[blinkblink]

Sorry about your situation, I hope you can get better soon. What was/is your plan exactly if you dont mind going into detail?

jumping off 110 foot bridge onto concrete, might eat a lot of salt/other chemicals that i can buy at a store beforehand to wreck my organs so if i somehow survive the fall ill die to that. also if i feel an impulsive urge to ctb i will listen to that right then and there, and since the bridge is a bit of a walk, i am going to set up a noose and do psh in my bedroom.

thanks for replying :)

 

[Neonfeel]

i am making this thread to make me ctb. I hate myself and life and ive been suicidal for years but i cant bring myself to do it, even with a perfect plan. i make this thread to make my actions real, to finally ctb because i cant suffer any longer. my life is a living hell but im so scared of surviving a ctb attempt that i havent done it, (and because i always turn back right when im about to ctb). im so fucking tired of this. i have promised to myself that if life didnt get better in 6 months that i was going to ctb. that was 3 years ago. life only got worse. i just want to set in stone that i am going to ctb soon. i dont know when, whether tonight or this week or month (at most), but it will be soon. IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHIT

thanks for reading my rant, pls react/reply to hold me accountable

I don't think that a big enough fall is survivable mate, a big fall is pretty much a done deal. But it's still a long way down.
And (sometimes, not always but often) there is also that super miniuscule hope in our hearts that wants to believe things can improve and that is hardly something to give yourself a hard time for.

 

[blinkblink]

I don't think that a big enough fall is survivable mate, a big fall is pretty much a done deal. But it's still a long way down.
And (sometimes, not always but often) there is also that super miniuscule hope in our hearts that wants to believe things can improve and that is hardly something to give yourself a hard time for.

yeah its not for 99.9% of ppl but i just wanna make sure because ill probably be instantly rushed to a hospital cause the bridge is really busy 24/7. i just hate feeling like things will get better when i know they wont and theyll only get worse. i just wanna be done with this life

thanks for replying :)

 

[Neonfeel]

yeah its not for 99.9% of ppl but i just wanna make sure because ill probably be instantly rushed to a hospital cause the bridge is really busy 24/7. i just hate feeling like things will get better when i know they wont and theyll only get worse. i just wanna be done with this life

thanks for replying :)

Oh I completely agree. And it's not like we are getting any younger so, yea. I totally understand.
And it's such a roller coster sometimes too. There are days where I think ok you know what, I feel like I'm over the worst now, I survived it somehow, Im healing, and then a couple of days later I'm hating myself again and to levels I cannot even describe. It's seems very pointless.

 

[blinkblink]

Oh I completely agree. And it's not like we are getting any younger so, yea. I totally understand.
And it's such a roller coster sometimes too. There are days where I think ok you know what, I feel like I'm over the worst now, I survived it somehow, Im healing, and then a couple of days later I'm hating myself again and to levels I cannot even describe. It's seems very pointless.

ikr, and ive just decided that the bad days will always be there so i may as well just die. and even the "good" days are tinged with suicidal thoughts and self destructive things for me at least. the ROI of this life is not worth it, and overall ive wanted to die for years, and the "good" days have become more scarce over the years. i feel so guilty when i try to get my life back together and then fail. sometimes i feel like i cant ctb cause im the main character but i know im not, i just get egotistical even though im super super insecure and miserable. also dms open if u wanna talk more

 

[notthatclever]

I wonder if medical people understand how horrible it is for us to survive a failed attempt.. or understand how painful it is and can be.. or realize how when they take options away it's leaves us with gruesome painful options that if we survive them that we could end up with a lifetime of pain when we're already in it.. that it just compounds a problem.. it's not like they offer treatment or therapy or anything for the trauma of surviving an attempt.. they dish out as much contempt as any dysfunctional asshole family member might.. I swear it's like they're completely blind to the fact of how traumatizing surviving one is.. they just demonize and stigmatize you along with the rest of the plebeians.. just another statistic for their little studies.. anyways from what I understand 110 ft fall is fairly lethal.. if it's more than 10 stories, that's lethal.. usually.. it if you can 150 ft that would most likely
For sure take you out.. I mean people survive crazy falls all the time but that's the exception rather than the rule.. if you jump high enough that's a fairly effective method of suicide.. and they can't take it away either.. they can't knock out large building and bridges.. and if you survive you'll be so messed up and mangled and on a morphine fentanyl drip they wouldn't have to strap you to the bed..I'm not sure how yet but I know my next one for sure is my last one.. I never want to survive failing an attempt again.. surviving the attempt messed me up in the head worse than I was before.. only my family knows about it and they don't know details or how bad it's been since.. they all but shunned me when I was in the hospital.. and when you fail the doctors keep you for a while.. plus I had a lot of messed up physical problems from it all.. because it's not like your being super physically kind to your body trying to off it.. yeah I treated my body with kid gloves during the suicide attempt.. how'd you know.. hardly anybody knows that about me though.. they just think I'm a hateful bitch just because.. my attempt was out of complete desperation to end it.. I starved myself and no water for a week.. it's brutal.. I was almost dead but a cop found me.. it's painful.. super painful.. a pain most people have never experienced and can't imagine.. my attempt freaks all the doctors out when they find out.. because you have to be one stubborn person to do that especially for a full week.. it still took a 10 mg shot of geodone to take me down and that still took a few hours before they got me down.. once I get to a certain place ready to tango.. I'm a beast.. had a banana bag on one arm for the dehydration and a geodone shot in the other.. and starvation route and dehydration route makes you psychotic.. no matter how sane you were before.. that and not sleeping make you instantly psychotic.. they had me on hard hardcore meds for that.. if you survive and you're not completely bed ridden and I was for a few days.. they drug you up beyond belief.. 10 mg geodone shot is some nasty shit., that's a naaaasty shot.. and I was so amped up still from psychosis that I was able to walk for like two more hours.. they had a hard time taking me down.. I mean I give those doctors heellllll.. I'm not nearly as buck wild as I used to be.. I got the special room with the camera that watches me sleep and everything.. they're not a fan of my jokes.. but I never bring it up anymore except here.. therapists and psych docs since know nothing about it even.. I told one psych doc after that and she looked at me like I was an alien.. I thought doctors spoke to the families about being a support afterwards and helping somebody like me.. they did nothing.. they let me slip through every single crack.. they did nothing to advocate for me when my family was being a bunch of assholes.. because you don't attempt like that unless something messed up happened.. they didn't bother to poke around or ask questions.. it's hard being around the empty gesture suicide attempts. They slash their arms barely a few times.. nothing against cutters but they stack them up against me and that.. I've seen a lot of people fake suicide for attention.. anyways the worst failed attempt I've ever seen was when I failed.. it was like 5 degrees outside in the middle of winter.. it was bone cold.. and some dude stayed outside to try and kill himself from exposure.. he lost two fingers from first bite.. his nose was frost bitten.. his toes were.. it was insane.. and they would change his bandages in the common area and was brutal to look at.. he was frost bitten from head to toe.. that's by far the most brutal failed attempt I've ever seen.. one of the worst I've ever heard.. I've seen some crazy shit.. he was pretty chill about it too.. I figure they had him on some nice pain meds as well.. and apparently the pain from it all when it went down made him even more psychotic.. he said he completely lost his mind all the way from the pain.. and if you saw the poor guy. You'd see why.. whatever you do.. don't try cold or heat exposure as a method.. that frost bite ain't no joke..

 

[blinkblink]

I wonder if medical people understand how horrible it is for us to survive a failed attempt.. or understand how painful it is and can be.. or realize how when they take options away it's leaves us with gruesome painful options that if we survive them that we could end up with a lifetime of pain when we're already in it.. that it just compounds a problem.. it's not like they offer treatment or therapy or anything for the trauma of surviving an attempt.. they dish out as much contempt as any dysfunctional asshole family member might.. I swear it's like they're completely blind to the fact of how traumatizing surviving one is.. they just demonize and stigmatize you along with the rest of the plebeians.. just another statistic for their little studies.. anyways from what I understand 110 ft fall is fairly lethal.. if it's more than 10 stories, that's lethal.. usually.. it if you can 150 ft that would most likely
For sure take you out.. I mean people survive crazy falls all the time but that's the exception rather than the rule.. if you jump high enough that's a fairly effective method of suicide.. and they can't take it away either.. they can't knock out large building and bridges.. and if you survive you'll be so messed up and mangled and on a morphine fentanyl drip they wouldn't have to strap you to the bed..I'm not sure how yet but I know my next one for sure is my last one.. I never want to survive failing an attempt again.. surviving the attempt messed me up in the head worse than I was before.. only my family knows about it and they don't know details or how bad it's been since.. they all but shunned me when I was in the hospital.. and when you fail the doctors keep you for a while.. plus I had a lot of messed up physical problems from it all.. because it's not like your being super physically kind to your body trying to off it.. yeah I treated my body with kid gloves during the suicide attempt.. how'd you know.. hardly anybody knows that about me though.. they just think I'm a hateful bitch just because.. my attempt was out of complete desperation to end it.. I starved myself and no water for a week.. it's brutal.. I was almost dead but a cop found me.. it's painful.. super painful.. a pain most people have never experienced and can't imagine.. my attempt freaks all the doctors out when they find out.. because you have to be one stubborn person to do that especially for a full week.. it still took a 10 mg shot of geodone to take me down and that still took a few hours before they got me down.. once I get to a certain place ready to tango.. I'm a beast.. had a banana bag on one arm for the dehydration and a geodone shot in the other.. and starvation route and dehydration route makes you psychotic.. no matter how sane you were before.. that and not sleeping make you instantly psychotic.. they had me on hard hardcore meds for that.. if you survive and you're not completely bed ridden and I was for a few days.. they drug you up beyond belief.. 10 mg geodone shot is some nasty shit., that's a naaaasty shot.. and I was so amped up still from psychosis that I was able to walk for like two more hours.. they had a hard time taking me down.. I mean I give those doctors heellllll.. I'm not nearly as buck wild as I used to be.. I got the special room with the camera that watches me sleep and everything.. they're not a fan of my jokes.. but I never bring it up anymore except here.. therapists and psych docs since know nothing about it even.. I told one psych doc after that and she looked at me like I was an alien.. I thought doctors spoke to the families about being a support afterwards and helping somebody like me.. they did nothing.. they let me slip through every single crack.. they did nothing to advocate for me when my family was being a bunch of assholes.. because you don't attempt like that unless something messed up happened.. they didn't bother to poke around or ask questions.. it's hard being around the empty gesture suicide attempts. They slash their arms barely a few times.. nothing against cutters but they stack them up against me and that.. I've seen a lot of people fake suicide for attention.. anyways the worst failed attempt I've ever seen was when I failed.. it was like 5 degrees outside in the middle of winter.. it was bone cold.. and some dude stayed outside to try and kill himself from exposure.. he lost two fingers from first bite.. his nose was frost bitten.. his toes were.. it was insane.. and they would change his bandages in the common area and was brutal to look at.. he was frost bitten from head to toe.. that's by far the most brutal failed attempt I've ever seen.. one of the worst I've ever heard.. I've seen some crazy shit.. he was pretty chill about it too.. I figure they had him on some nice pain meds as well.. and apparently the pain from it all when it went down made him even more psychotic.. he said he completely lost his mind all the way from the pain.. and if you saw the poor guy. You'd see why.. whatever you do.. don't try cold or heat exposure as a method.. that frost bite ain't no joke..

wow- right when i was contemplating about hypothermia ctb, ok nevermind. yeah VSED sounds horrible was that the only method u had access to, cause thats like known for being miserable. ive been thinking more about jumping and when ive tried to jump in the past and honestly idk if i can, even now. its not scary until youre climbing the railing, thats the worst part. i can totally do psh though, i know a good tree with a low branch that i trust and is pretty private. i have the rope and know the knots. i just need my mom to leave the house or be asleep cause i still live with her and im good. what do u think i should do, im kinda split now honestly? also thanks for the dedication in ur response