Holding Back (Venting)

[window2peace]

My brother died of a gun suicide over 14 years ago. He was 15. The insurmountable damage that his death caused to me, my family, and and his friends is what holds me back from being able to CTB. I'm tired of living for other people though. February 1st I walked up a 5 story parking garage and thought about jumping. But how traumatizing for anyone who had to watch! And I knew that if I hesitated I could end up with a police team and a little crowd of concerned citizens like they do in the movies. My sister would have to identify my body. She'd have to explain to her kids that their uncles chose to die because they didn't want to live anyore. My family would bury my mangled, reconstructed-by-mortician-wizardry body, and they'dbe traumatized all over again. After 15 years of processing and moving past my brother's death, they'd have to start all over. It's just too much pain for me to inflict. I'm not even close with anyone in my family, but I feel obligated to spare them.

:Warning, self pity rant:
On the same token, I had a very public and embarrassing manic/psychotic breakdown last May. I haven't recovered from it, and I'm certain that I'll never be able to regain the trust of my community or my family. I've had spotty employment ever since, and I'm currently working a job that I'm too stupid for, and I leave most days wanting an end to my misery. I'm also in a ton of debt from a degree that's basically regarded as worthless, doctors won't diagnose me properly but put me on bipolar meds without a diagnosis, and I'm constantly scared that I'm going to go absolutely nuts again. I don't see a future for myself that doesn't involve increasing suffering. Cognitive function is said to be lowered after psychosis, and I fear I' m already on a cognitive decline, considering how much I struggle with my memory. I've lost interest in any of my previous hobbies and interests, and my sense of identity ran away along with my interests in writing and being an entertainer. I have no joy, no passion, no identity, and very little support.

I want to die, but I can't inflict the pain that accompanies my peace. I really wish that I could CTB with a Nitrogen Exit Bag and have someone remove the bag and tank evidence, just to spare my family the pain of knowing for sure that my death was voluntary. But considering the legal and moral implications that accompany assisting in my suicide, it's highly unlikely I'd ever find someone willing to do that, even if I paid them or provided some kind of service. Even if I did, my family knows I'm a depressed mess. They would probably know that I planned it, even if doctors can't prove it.

Do you have something preventing you from making your departure? What is it?

 

[NotMeantForHere]

Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I definitely can relate with the cognitive decline and having trouble remembering things. I feel like there is so little brain activity that goes on in my head due to depression.
I don't necessarily have anything holding me back, other than not having all the supplies yet and still not being completely desperate and at my wits end.. I'm sort of scared to do it, none of us know what the afterlife holds...

 

[randomz]

I am also cognitively affected by my depression which is a bummer when you work a highly mind-intensive job as mine. I always forget stuff and have trouble concentrating, but my meds help me with that a little. Maybe you should change your meds @window2peace ? I am sorry for what you are going through and hope everything works out for you.

 

[window2peace]

I am also cognitively affected by my depression which is a bummer when you work a highly mind-intensive job as mine. I always forget stuff and have trouble concentrating, but my meds help me with that a little. Maybe you should change your meds @window2peace ? I am sorry for what you are going through and hope everything works out for you.

I've just started lamictal about 2 weeks ago, but supposedly it takes weeks to build up in the system. I wish they'd give me a concentration drug like adderol. I have another psychiatric appt soon, so maybe I can get on a regimen that somehow makes my life more enjoyable, but after being in psyche and dealing with bad therapy and difficult psychiatrists, I'm losing faith.Thanks for commenting and being kind.

 

[randomz]

I've just started lamictal about 2 weeks ago, but supposedly it takes weeks to build up in the system. I wish they'd give me a concentration drug like adderol. I have another psychiatric appt soon, so maybe I can get on a regimen that somehow makes my life more enjoyable, but after being in psyche and dealing with bad therapy and difficult psychiatrists, I'm losing faith.Thanks for commenting and being kind.

Sometimes it takes time to find the right treatment. I am currently on venlafaxine and clorprotexine for the past 4 weeks and they have been working well on me as in I stopped caring about life so much and can enjoy the things I like a bit more again. I am sure that with time you will find your answer to feel better.

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm sorry for your loss and your current misery. Obviously the breakdown wasn't your fault although this society - with all its talk about removing the stigma of what they call mental illness (which is just that: talk) - treats those who have mental and/or emotional problems rather harshly.

I think your self-restraint is commendable, heroic even given your circumstances. Seneca was quite right: in some situations just staying alive (purely for others' sake) is a true act of courage. Seneca himself experienced this too: at one moment in his life he wanted to end it due to severe misery (illness if I recall correctly) yet he refrained because of fear of what his death might do to his father who was rather advanced in years.

My situation is somewhat similar: while no-one in my family actually did CTB my mother tried to and since I witnessed this it pretty much scarred me. My youngest brother also tried to end his life and he almost succeeded.

Now both my brothers have two little children: a baby (my godson) and three boys aged 3, 4 and 5. They seem to like me a lot which is what's keeping me here. For now, don't know how much misery I'm willing or able to tolerate.

Atm I'm experiencing symptoms of what could either be called a burnout or a depression (what's in a name?). I called in sick and now I have no choice but to see a doctor (GP) to get a sick note. This job is destroying me yet I have to serve out the term of my contract and try to leave a least a somewhat neutral impression otherwise the job hunting that will have to take place in a couple of months will be hell.

I wish you the very best: you're clearly a good man who's caught in a rotten situation. That is painful but not shameful. You have nothing to apologise for.

 

[ZardozOmega]

I'm just too much of a pussy to do it. I know I should do it, it is the logical think to do, but I keep pushing it.

 

[window2peace]

I'm sorry for your loss and your current misery. Obviously the breakdown wasn't your fault although this society - with all its talk about removing the stigma of what they call mental illness (which is just that: talk) - treats those who have mental and/or emotional problems rather harshly.

I think your self-restraint is commendable, heroic even given your circumstances. Seneca was quite right: in some situations just staying alive (purely for others' sake) is a true act of courage. Seneca himself experienced this too: at one moment in his life he wanted to end it due to severe misery (illness if I recall correctly) yet he refrained because of fear of what his death might do to his father who was rather advanced in years.

My situation is somewhat similar: while no-one in my family actually did CTB my mother tried to and since I witnessed this it pretty much scarred me. My youngest brother also tried to end his life and he almost succeeded.

Now both my brothers have two little children: a baby (my godson) and three boys aged 3, 4 and 5. They seem to like me a lot which is what's keeping me here. For now, don't know how much misery I'm willing or able to tolerate.

Atm I'm experiencing symptoms of what could either be called a burnout or a depression (what's in a name?). I called in sick and now I have no choice but to see a doctor (GP) to get a sick note. This job is destroying me yet I have to serve out the term of my contract and try to leave a least a somewhat neutral impression otherwise the job hunting that will have to take place in a couple of months will be hell.

I wish you the very best: you're clearly a good man who's caught in a rotten situation. That is painful but not shameful. You have nothing to apologise for.

Your words mean a lot. Thank you.