Droso
Born, survive, reproduce, die.
- Dec 23, 2024
- 199
I finally told my bf a few nights ago my plans to ctb this upcoming August. He cried, but was accepting and supportive of my decision. We are at the beach for the next three weeks. We barely get any time together because of his parents so this is basically the only time we have to make our last few memories together.
But I hate being around people, even him sometimes. It's uncomfortable. I already feel so dead and dissociated that it brings me back to reality. There are few times where do I want to spend time with him. It sucks because all of our interactions have to be on my terms in order for me to feel comfortable and enjoy it.
Earlier I wanted to cuddle, but he was so absorbed with finishing a goddamn puzzle to do so. I got pissed. He knows this beach trip is gonna be the last time we can be together like this. And he knows it's hard for me to be intimate. He has the rest of his life to finish the puzzle. He only has basically a month with me left.
I'm upset and angry. He's the only thing keeping me on this Earth for the time being (other than lack of access to a place to ctb alone). I love him so much. I cry when I think about leaving him. I don't think he understands what's really going to happen. I don't think he realizes how little time I have left with him. He just doesn't think about it. He avoids thinking about it to stay stable and sane.
Ruined my high. Ruined my night and mood. I am putting so much effort into giving him these last moments. It's so hard for me. I would explain why, but I'm too high and it's a long explanation. It just is.
I just wish I was dead already. I don't want to worry about this.
Edit: he just fell asleep after I made this. Salt in the wound. I'm more pissed now.
But I hate being around people, even him sometimes. It's uncomfortable. I already feel so dead and dissociated that it brings me back to reality. There are few times where do I want to spend time with him. It sucks because all of our interactions have to be on my terms in order for me to feel comfortable and enjoy it.
Earlier I wanted to cuddle, but he was so absorbed with finishing a goddamn puzzle to do so. I got pissed. He knows this beach trip is gonna be the last time we can be together like this. And he knows it's hard for me to be intimate. He has the rest of his life to finish the puzzle. He only has basically a month with me left.
I'm upset and angry. He's the only thing keeping me on this Earth for the time being (other than lack of access to a place to ctb alone). I love him so much. I cry when I think about leaving him. I don't think he understands what's really going to happen. I don't think he realizes how little time I have left with him. He just doesn't think about it. He avoids thinking about it to stay stable and sane.
Ruined my high. Ruined my night and mood. I am putting so much effort into giving him these last moments. It's so hard for me. I would explain why, but I'm too high and it's a long explanation. It just is.
I just wish I was dead already. I don't want to worry about this.
Edit: he just fell asleep after I made this. Salt in the wound. I'm more pissed now.
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