Hi?

[ablmnop]

Feeling a lot of things having found this forum. I don't really have a classic reason to be here. I'm married, own a house, have a job, have an absolutely beautiful little boy. And yet I just can't shake the thought of suicide.

I've had major depression and suicide ideation for at least 16 years. I've always thought I'd do gas/exit bag, but it's hard to come by and hard to hide. Like others here, ideally I'd make it look like a natural death or a tragic accident. My husband would never forgive me (even though our marriage is hanging on by a thread mostly because I suck), and my son will be scarred for life. But I feel like I'm falling him every day anyway. I don't know.

I came here looking for an SN source just to have on hand but know I need to post first before I can PM. I feel a bit sick to my stomach even being here, and also weirdly grateful that a place like this exists. I don't know what to think.

 

[Huntfish34]

I wish I had more to say but I genuinely hope everything works out for you and your family. Life on life's terms,. It can be pretty brutal.

Welcome to SS and Happy Easter.

 

[ablmnop]

I wish I had more to say but I genuinely hope everything works out for you and your family. Life on life's terms,. It can be pretty brutal.

Welcome to SS and Happy Easter.

Thanks. Me too. I wish I could just woman up and be okay for everyone. I haven't CTB yet because of my parents, and now my own family, combined with SI, a fear of pain, a fear of failure. But mostly a fear of the wreckage I'd leave behind. But I'm so tired, you know? I've tried to get help countless times and it just always seems that I'm brought back here and I'm feeling like I have less and less strength to just keep white-knuckling it. I drive recklessly when alone, and drink too much, and don't take care of myself really anymore. I wish the decision was easier.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Why'd you wanna have a kid if you had major depression... Did you think it wouldn't pass on? I'm not judging, I'm just curious. I'm basically already dead inside so I have no judgement left for anybody.

Welcome here btw.

 

[ablmnop]

Why'd you wanna have a kid if you had major depression... Did you think it wouldn't pass on? I'm not judging, I'm just curious. I'm basically already dead inside so I have no judgement left for anybody.

Welcome here btw.

Hope, I guess? Honestly I wasn't super ready for the kid. My husband and I almost didn't get married because of my depression. He didn't want a life with someone who would be in bed for most of it (understandably). I have a lot of ppl around me who hurt as a result of it, so I push. I push to try and get over it and try medication and different therapists. And sometimes it gets better for a bit, but never for long. Anyway, we got married because it seemed like I had finally turned things around (turns out, I did not). Then he wanted a baby and I thought, yeah, okay, maybe living for someone else will help. And it does kind of, in that I try to shield my kid from the worst of it. But it's getting harder and harder. And I regret becoming a mom. I've put my family in a position where I feel I'm hurting everyone if I stay and hurting them if I go. I regret it almost daily.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have been suffering for so long. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are so tired. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[ablmnop]

Why'd you wanna have a kid if you had major depression... Did you think it wouldn't pass on? I'm not judging, I'm just curious. I'm basically already dead inside so I have no judgement left for anybody.

Welcome here btw.

I guess what I mean is I shouldn't have done it.

I'm sorry that you have been suffering for so long. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are so tired. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find relief from your pain.

Thanks :)

 

[Huntfish34]

Ohh yeah,. Big time. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Not married , no kids.... But I certainly understand the fear and wreckage . Leaving behind parents / family and the fear of failure / pain. It's downright fucking maddening.

Would be great if the decision was easy but sadly it's exactly the opposite.

Thoughts and prayers to you always ,

 

[thedaywillcome]

I cant stand these feelings anymore.

 

[ablmnop]

I cant stand these feelings anymore.

I feel the same.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I can understand both sides because my mother also had depression all her life (still does - its chronic) and ended up neglecting me a lot. And she once tried to commit suicide in front of me and I was 10 years old at the time.

That being said, being in my genes and having lived in that environment I think made me more prone to develop depression and I've had several throughout my life as well.

So no matter what you decide to do, protect your child as much as possible. But even then it is very likely that if you decide to ctb he will be left with a trauma.

I know that depression is a horrible disease and is capable of taking everything away from us. I wish you the best. And I hope maybe things turn out for you.

 

[ablmnop]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I can understand both sides because my mother also had depression all her life (still does - its chronic) and ended up neglecting me a lot. And she once tried to commit suicide in front of me and I was 10 years old at the time.

That being said, being in my genes and having lived in that environment I think made me more prone to develop depression and I've had several throughout my life as well.

So no matter what you decide to do, protect your child as much as possible. But even then it is very likely that if you decide to ctb he will be left with a trauma.

I know that depression is a horrible disease and is capable of taking everything away from us. I wish you the best. And I hope maybe things turn out for you.

I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It will scar him for sure. I'm scarring him either way. I wish I had removed myself years ago. Now I'll be responsible for ruining another's life.

I'm truly not sure how to get out of this without hurting people.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It will scar him for sure. I'm scarring him either way. I wish I had removed myself years ago. Now I'll be responsible for ruining another's life.

I'm truly not sure how to get out of this without hurting people.

You're welcome :) I understand. It's a really complex decision.

 

[ablmnop]

You're welcome :) I understand. It's a really complex decision.

Thanks so much for your understanding. And I'm sorry about your pain, and that you grew up with a mother who was depressed. That really must have been hard.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Thanks so much for your understanding. And I'm sorry about your pain, and that you grew up with a mother who was depressed. That really must have been hard.

Thank you for your kind words. It was not only the depression, she was really a terrible mother.