Venting Hi

[Nola]

Hi guys,

been watching you in silence for a couple of days now. I'm strangely happy to have found you!
Guess I wanted to hear your opinion on my thoughts, so I present to you:
My actions and thoughts so far.

Obviously, I don't want to live. A couple of months ago I decided to lose weight so no one would have to hurt their back carrying the coffin (that might be somewhat weird, I am aware of that).

My original plan was to OD on sleeping pills. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't want my family to know it was suicide.
I was then thinking about driving my car off the brigde, but I came to the conclusion that that would be too violent. I think my SI would hold me back.

So, I decided to just continue eating as little as possible (usually no more than 400 kcal a day). I became afraid of gaining weight anyways.

So how am I doing so far?
You guys are abolutely right, it's truly excruciating. I'm not even to the point of organ failure, but developed migraine, heart palpitations, became anaemic and I'm smothery from lack of nutrients (probably all from hypoferremia). Made me doubt the choice I made, and I went on a search for Nembutal. It's illegal in my country, and I would have to pay 800+ and risk a 1800- fine or jail.

Again, I thought about my family. They would suffer for years if they knew I commited suicide.. You couldn't compare that to the suffering of starvation, imo. So, I decided to push through.

To make it more bearable, I bought myself some nutritional supplements today.
Hopefully the migraines (which is the worst) will seize. The supplements may delay the process, but I thought it would decrease the risk of premature organ failure (I want my heart to fail first).

What do you guys think?
Is there a possibility my heart will give in before other organs will?
Do you think I made the right decision on buying the supplements?


Ps. My thoughts on starvation: my family will regard it as an illness instead of a self-inflicted death.

Pps. I hope my writing is legibly, I'm from the Netherlands so English isn't my native language..

 

[21Neberg]

Hi,

starvation is one of the hardest methods in my opinion. But I admire your courage to go through with it.
I'm from the Netherlands too. After realizing that I'm too much of a pussy to hang myself, I decided to look into SN. You should too, it's far cheaper, though I'm not sure if its legal (might be though - tons of sellers on eBay). I haven't found a seller yet that will ship to the Netherlands.

Succes

 

[Mogley26]

Hi guys,

been watching you in silence for a couple of days now. I'm strangely happy to have found you!
Guess I wanted to hear your opinion on my thoughts, so I present to you:
My actions and thoughts so far.

Obviously, I don't want to live. A couple of months ago I decided to lose weight so no one would have to hurt their back carrying the coffin (that might be somewhat weird, I am aware of that).

My original plan was to OD on sleeping pills. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't want my family to know it was suicide.
I was then thinking about driving my car off the brigde, but I came to the conclusion that that would be too violent. I think my SI would hold me back.

So, I decided to just continue eating as little as possible (usually no more than 400 kcal a day). I became afraid of gaining weight anyways.

So how am I doing so far?
You guys are abolutely right, it's truly excruciating. I'm not even to the point of organ failure, but developed migraine, heart palpitations, became anaemic and I'm smothery from lack of nutrients (probably all from hypoferremia). Made me doubt the choice I made, and I went on a search for Nembutal. It's illegal in my country, and I would have to pay 800+ and risk a 1800- fine or jail.

Again, I thought about my family. They would suffer for years if they knew I commited suicide.. You couldn't compare that to the suffering of starvation, imo. So, I decided to push through.

To make it more bearable, I bought myself some nutritional supplements today.
Hopefully the migraines (which is the worst) will seize. The supplements may delay the process, but I thought it would decrease the risk of premature organ failure (I want my heart to fail first).

What do you guys think?
Is there a possibility my heart will give in before other organs will?
Do you think I made the right decision on buying the supplements?


Ps. My thoughts on starvation: my family will regard it as an illness instead of a self-inflicted death.

Pps. I hope my writing is legibly, I'm from the Netherlands so English isn't my native language..

I was anorexic for years eating less than that. Starvation takes at least two months with no food at all. You will probably not die but be chemically imbalanced due to lack of proper nutrition. I know you don't want your family to know but suicide is almost impossible to hide.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi guys,

been watching you in silence for a couple of days now. I'm strangely happy to have found you!
Guess I wanted to hear your opinion on my thoughts, so I present to you:
My actions and thoughts so far.

Obviously, I don't want to live. A couple of months ago I decided to lose weight so no one would have to hurt their back carrying the coffin (that might be somewhat weird, I am aware of that).

My original plan was to OD on sleeping pills. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't want my family to know it was suicide.
I was then thinking about driving my car off the brigde, but I came to the conclusion that that would be too violent. I think my SI would hold me back.

So, I decided to just continue eating as little as possible (usually no more than 400 kcal a day). I became afraid of gaining weight anyways.

So how am I doing so far?
You guys are abolutely right, it's truly excruciating. I'm not even to the point of organ failure, but developed migraine, heart palpitations, became anaemic and I'm smothery from lack of nutrients (probably all from hypoferremia). Made me doubt the choice I made, and I went on a search for Nembutal. It's illegal in my country, and I would have to pay 800+ and risk a 1800- fine or jail.

Again, I thought about my family. They would suffer for years if they knew I commited suicide.. You couldn't compare that to the suffering of starvation, imo. So, I decided to push through.

To make it more bearable, I bought myself some nutritional supplements today.
Hopefully the migraines (which is the worst) will seize. The supplements may delay the process, but I thought it would decrease the risk of premature organ failure (I want my heart to fail first).

What do you guys think?
Is there a possibility my heart will give in before other organs will?
Do you think I made the right decision on buying the supplements?


Ps. My thoughts on starvation: my family will regard it as an illness instead of a self-inflicted death.

Pps. I hope my writing is legibly, I'm from the Netherlands so English isn't my native language..

I am sorry for your pain brother. You sound like a very considerate person and I am sincerely sorry that you've ended up in such darkness.
Self starvation outside of incarceration, extreme poverty or disability sounds very hard from a managing SI point of view, and I have no doubt this will be very painful.
There are a lot of resources here that might help you find a more peaceful and pain free method (have a browse of the resources and mega threads).
If you want it to look like an accident look in to how people in your town have died accidentally and see if that provides anything useful, failing that the one I like is getting hammered drunk and falling in to a canal, may look like accident or murder.
Trouble is that is it looks like an accident there probably will be some sort of investigation, in which case the truth may come out anyway.
Is there a way you could discuss and disclose how you feel with your family to try and help you all make peace?
What ever happens brother I wish you peace.
DBD

 

[Nola]

I was anorexic for years eating less than that. Starvation takes at least two months with no food at all. You will probably not die but be chemically imbalanced due to lack of proper nutrition. I know you don't want your family to know but suicide is almost impossible to hide.

Well.. That's kinda discouraging.
I don't know, I somehow really want to perish..
I mentally do feel a little more structured now so I guess I'll just continue and meanwhile think of another way.

 

[Mogley26]

Well.. That's kinda discouraging.
I don't know, I somehow really want to perish..
I mentally do feel a little more structured now so I guess I'll just continue and meanwhile think of another way.

I wish you the best.

 

[Nola]

Hi,

starvation is one of the hardest methods in my opinion. But I admire your courage to go through with it.
I'm from the Netherlands too. After realizing that I'm too much of a pussy to hang myself, I decided to look into SN. You should too, it's far cheaper, though I'm not sure if its legal (might be though - tons of sellers on eBay). I haven't found a seller yet that will ship to the Netherlands.

Succes

Natriumazide is also prohibited, I guess all known suicide supplies are. I found this one reliable supplier for Nembutal, that's all..
But, you know, risks.. I would hate to leave debts behind, let alone that kind of debts. Plus, it will be known suicide after bloodtests.
Oh and I made a mistake: should be 81000 fine or jail.

I am sorry for your pain brother. You sound like a very considerate person and I am sincerely sorry that you've ended up in such darkness.
Self starvation outside of incarceration, extreme poverty or disability sounds very hard from a managing SI point of view, and I have no doubt this will be very painful.
There are a lot of resources here that might help you find a more peaceful and pain free method (have a browse of the resources and mega threads).
If you want it to look like an accident look in to how people in your town have died accidentally and see if that provides anything useful, failing that the one I like is getting hammered drunk and falling in to a canal, may look like accident or murder.
Trouble is that is it looks like an accident there probably will be some sort of investigation, in which case the truth may come out anyway.
Is there a way you could discuss and disclose how you feel with your family to try and help you all make peace?
What ever happens brother I wish you peace.
DBD

Honestly I don't know what I want.. I actually do want to suffer/ I feel like I should suffer for my decision, but when I think about the migraines in combination with the smothered feeling, I feel like a whimp who can't take much pain. If I had painkillers I probably would have used them..

A well-known option around here is to jump in front of the train (not willing to ruin someone elses life, it's selfish enough as it is) or to jump off the buildings (same as trainoption, also, I'm extremely afraid of heights so I couldn't even come close to the edge..

Getting really drunk might be an option, though. I once had alcoholpoisoning so I should be able to.. Just don't know how long that would take, don't want to wake in hospital again because somebody found me. And you don't really suffer from it, ime..

They know because of previous attempts, I wanted to die ever since I was 11 so it's not a well kept secret or something like that. It took me some years, but they finally believe I'm happily hopping through life. Plus, it's simply useless. They're not going to help me, in contrary..

I'll just continue, tbh, it feels less chaotic/more comfortable since I started all this, we'll see what happens.. And maybe I'll find my perfect scenario on this forum.

 

[Halo13]

Hello and welcome. I can't add much more as the other's posts are correct. As for your concern about the N - everyone who orders it, in any country is at risk for legal consequences but make the decision whether it is worth the risk. So you're not alone there. There are many different methods that are faster, less painful and more effective than trying to starve yourself. I hope you find your way, start by reading the PPeh found in the resources

 

[21Neberg]

Natriumazide is also prohibited, I guess all known suicide supplies are. I found this one reliable supplier for Nembutal, that's all..
But, you know, risks.. I would hate to leave debts behind, let alone that kind of debts. Plus, it will be known suicide after bloodtests.
Oh and I made a mistake: should be 81000 fine or jail.

Thanks for the reply, I'm sorry for my initial reply since it was worthless. We're fucked in this country, I truly don't know what to say.