Hi, new here

[dandelion_fluff]

Hi all. Don't really want to say my name so just call me dandelion. I guess I saw some people introducing themselves and wanted to do it too. Although I don't know if people will see this.

I've always been strange. Even when I was a little girl I felt awkward, like I had to try extra hard to fit in with my classmates and make friends. I would try to remember what my classmates liked and awkwardly try to talk to them about it in hopes they'd get lost in talking about it and associate me with it, making them see me as a possible option for a friend. I also remember feeling the need to obey authority figures, my mom really taught me to be obedient. My mom has even said during kindergaten my hair started falling from the stress I had over needing to obey my teacher, so you can just imagine how high strung and dependent on people pleasing I am lol. I often feel like I have no actual personality or goals for myself. I started feeling social anxiety in elementary, got suicidal thoughts in middle school, and finally diagnosed with depression in my freshman year of high school. I got pills which I feel like didn't really work and two visits to a psychologist weekly. I hated it because I don't like opening up to a stranger. Even right now I feel like I'm so self centered for rambling here about myself, as if I expect others to pity me or care. But I guess I just wanted to put myself out there, if I can't bring myself to do it in real life then at least here in this forum where there's people who are like me.

I'm in college right now and I feel like I'm stagnant. I have no friends, haven't had a friend since I graduated high school in 2022. And even the friends I used to have in high school felt more like acquaintances since we never hung out or talked outside of school. I feel like if I just had one close friend, my life would improve significantly. But I can't because I can't connect with others. It's almost like people can sense my bad vibe and rancid thoughts so they avoid me. That or they just think I'm ugly which I wouldn't blame them for.

Anyways, I stopped seeing that psychologist like two months after I got her because I felt embarrassed over it and asked to end the visits. And I stopped taking the pills after high school. Now I'm just trying to cope by venting to AI (I know i'm pathetic for it) and now here. Nice to meet all of you!!

 

[neufliessen]

It's nice to meet you, dandelion! Please don't feel self-centered for writing about yourself and your troubles... that's a big part of what this site is for! Also, for what it's worth, I understand feeling the need to be perfect and obey higher-ups. Every little mistake feels like I failed and wasn't good enough... does it feel the same for you? In a selfish way, I'm glad that someone else feels like this.

 

[Matchaaa]

Hi dandelion, welcome to Sasu

opening up about these thoughts and experiences isn't self-centered. I used to feel the same way—that I tend to obey authority figures too much. I hope you can find a way to feel better and find peace in your life.

 

[dandelion_fluff]

It's nice to meet you, dandelion! Please don't feel self-centered for writing about yourself and your troubles... that's a big part of what this site is for! Also, for what it's worth, I understand feeling the need to be perfect and obey higher-ups. Every little mistake feels like I failed and wasn't good enough... does it feel the same for you? In a selfish way, I'm glad that someone else feels like this.

Thank you for the greeting! And yeah, I understand that feeling. Even the smallest mistake feels like a personal failure. And if somebody else, especially an authority figure, notices and comments on it, I feel so mortified and like the most useless person on planet earth. Don't think your selfish, I also feel a sense of relief that I am not the only person that feels like this.

 

[dandelion_fluff]

Hi dandelion, welcome to Sasu

opening up about these thoughts and experiences isn't self-centered. I used to feel the same way—that I tend to obey authority figures too much. I hope you can find a way to feel better and find peace in your life.

Hello, and thank you for welcoming me and for the sweet words! You are very kind, and I'm glad it seems your tendency to obey authority figures too much is in the past.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I hope this site is a place you can express yourself comfortably and feel understand, much love.