Hi, I'm new here.

[shijsrzh]

Hello, everyone.

I have reached the end of my life. But before I depart, I wanted to exchange myself with people who don't have prejudices when it comes to topics like this.
My plan is to commit suicide as soon as the rope arrives. The last one was too thick, or rather too short for its thickness. This is something to consider when choosing a rope: The thicker the rope, the more length is needed to do the loops (I'm talking about the hangman's knot). I ordered a rope of 5 metres length, and it was way too short. Wish I had known that beforehand. Now, my suffering is prolonged by a few days. Although nothing more than a couple of days, it feels unbearable. Absolutely insufferable. My due date would have been yesterday. But, as I said, there was the problem with the rope.

I would very much like to give some background to my suffering, actually. But as I type, I notice that even typing this is a fucking nightmare right now (hopelessness-wise and energy-wise).

I just want to perish. Right now. But I have to wait. Which reminds me:
The problem with drop hanging is the immense fear that grips you before the drop. Very effectively preventing one from making the step forward required to drop, therefore further prolonging the suffering because one couldn't do it. These fucking survival instincts. I just hope my desire to die will be stronger than biology.

Anyway, sorry if this post was trash or something else.
Glad to make your acquaintances by the way.

Regards

 

[foxdie]

Welcome friend, I'm sorry you find yourself here. I hope you can find some comfort here.

 

[shijsrzh]

Thanks, friend. I hope so, too.

 

[botanormal]

Thank you for sharing this with us, your post was far from being 'trash'. I am so sorry for all of the suffering you have had to endure, it sounds like things have been really tough on you. I understand how difficult it is to get past SI, but I wish you the best of luck with everything. If you ever need to talk, feel free to share your thoughts here. I hope being on this site can help you a little bit before you leave. Nice to meet you, and welcome to the forum!

 

[darksideofthebright]

Welcome to the forum, and I'm so sorry that life has driven you this far. It's always a bittersweet feeling finding people who can relate and identify with our stories and suicidal thoughts, because none of us deserves to feel this way and to be treated the way life treated us.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and we are always here if you ever need to talk or to simply get distracted until you're ready to leave this cold cruel world. Sending you hugs .

 

[shijsrzh]

Thanks, both of you. I don't know about you, but the main thing for me with suicidal tendencies is this:

You are completely dead inside, so what is commonly being said about this topic is not untrue. Except for this revision of the statement:

You feel absolutely NOTHING except for the suffering. That, you continue to feel in all its cruel entirety and facets. So, it is not feeling nothing, but just an absence of everything else.
Writing in this forum calms me somewhat, though. It's exactly this bitter-sweetness that was brought up. I find comfort in the thought that I'm talking to people here who REALLY know what suffering is. All too often, I encounter people who suffer. And sometimes they really do. I grant them that. But compared to the suffering I feel, and the suffering one finds in this forum, the other suffering is small peanuts.

 

[Railiah P]

Hello, everyone.

I have reached the end of my life. But before I depart, I wanted to exchange myself with people who don't have prejudices when it comes to topics like this.
My plan is to commit suicide as soon as the rope arrives. The last one was too thick, or rather too short for its thickness. This is something to consider when choosing a rope: The thicker the rope, the more length is needed to do the loops (I'm talking about the hangman's knot). I ordered a rope of 5 metres length, and it was way too short. Wish I had known that beforehand. Now, my suffering is prolonged by a few days. Although nothing more than a couple of days, it feels unbearable. Absolutely insufferable. My due date would have been yesterday. But, as I said, there was the problem with the rope.

I would very much like to give some background to my suffering, actually. But as I type, I notice that even typing this is a fucking nightmare right now (hopelessness-wise and energy-wise).

I just want to perish. Right now. But I have to wait. Which reminds me:
The problem with drop hanging is the immense fear that grips you before the drop. Very effectively preventing one from making the step forward required to drop, therefore further prolonging the suffering because one couldn't do it. These fucking survival instincts. I just hope my desire to die will be stronger than biology.

Anyway, sorry if this post was trash or something else.
Glad to make your acquaintances by the way.

Regards

welcome

 

[darksideofthebright]

I also think that's life is mostly composed of sufferings. When people irl tell me that being suicidal means you are weak, and it's so much harder to be alive, I do get very offended. To me, life is like a scale, and throughout your life, it's about keeping that scale balanced between sufferings and something else. When we're in moments of crisis (mentally or physically), it's about balancing between sufferings and the resources of support we have. When people ctb, it's because their resources of support are not enough to help them cope with and balance out the sufferings they have to endure.

And OP, you shouldn't compare your sufferings with others, just like you shouldn't compare your happiness with others. You sufferings are absolutely valid. They matter and you matter. We just have different coping capacity, and the fact that you are still powering through another day, you're doing your best to push your capacity. And your best is good enough.

 

[shijsrzh]

True. I shouldn't compare. Makes things worse for me, makes things worse for them sometimes. The thing is, it just makes me angry sometimes. When people complain about stuff, which in my world would feel like comparative heaven. But then again, anger also only deepens the suffering in this world and contributes to it rather than dissolving it.
By the way, I don't get the meaning of OP? What does that abbreviation mean?

 

[Sherri]

Welcome, hope you find some peace of mind here and interact with nice users. Helps me a lot

 

[darksideofthebright]

By the way, I don't the meaning of OP? What does that abbreviation mean?

On internet forums and message boards, OP is short for original poster.

 

[shijsrzh]

I just read ecmnesia's thread and it fucking broke my heart. Made me cry like I haven't in 5 years. I didn't even know her, but I hope I can hug her in a couple of days. Provided I got the strength to do kill myself.

 

[Neowise]

Welcome to the community! The people here are generally really nice so feel free to hang around and chat. Maybe we will enjoy your company for some while, but if not I hope your short time here will be pleasant and you find the peace you have been looking for.

 

[justanotherstar]

Welcome, though sorry to hear of your pain and suffering. You're in good company here and I hope you find the support here that you need

 

[greebo6]

Welcome to the SS community.
I'm sorry life has not been kinder to you but here at least you will find understanding and compassion.

 

[Gnip]

I just read ecmnesia's thread and it fucking broke my heart. Made me cry like I haven't in 5 years. I didn't even know her, but I hope I can hug her in a couple of days. Provided I got the strength to do kill myself.

That upset a lot of us here. I was tossing and turning in bed with profuse night sweats after she left. My only tiny consolation was that she knew I'd previously posted what a sweet person she was. But outside praise does not prevail over inner torment. Maybe I'm just not used to the routine of departures which comes with the territory here, but the world is definitely a lesser place with her being gone.

 

[Lilmeowssi]

Hello, everyone.

I have reached the end of my life. But before I depart, I wanted to exchange myself with people who don't have prejudices when it comes to topics like this.
My plan is to commit suicide as soon as the rope arrives. The last one was too thick, or rather too short for its thickness. This is something to consider when choosing a rope: The thicker the rope, the more length is needed to do the loops (I'm talking about the hangman's knot). I ordered a rope of 5 metres length, and it was way too short. Wish I had known that beforehand. Now, my suffering is prolonged by a few days. Although nothing more than a couple of days, it feels unbearable. Absolutely insufferable. My due date would have been yesterday. But, as I said, there was the problem with the rope.

I would very much like to give some background to my suffering, actually. But as I type, I notice that even typing this is a fucking nightmare right now (hopelessness-wise and energy-wise).

I just want to perish. Right now. But I have to wait. Which reminds me:
The problem with drop hanging is the immense fear that grips you before the drop. Very effectively preventing one from making the step forward required to drop, therefore further prolonging the suffering because one couldn't do it. These fucking survival instincts. I just hope my desire to die will be stronger than biology.

Anyway, sorry if this post was trash or something else.
Glad to make your acquaintances by the way.

Regards

Welcome to the forum!
Your post isn't trash at all btw.
I hope you will find peace in whatever decision you may make~

 

[shijsrzh]

Thank you. All of you. Also all the new posters. My exchange here has already been very pleasant and compassionate