I've been suicidal since 12? born with a pretty rare "disability" I don't feel comfortable disclosing.
I'm at the point in life where I've experienced everything I've really wanted but know I won't ever get what I truly want. I guess the only dream I really had to be born normal, have had a happy childhood where I hung out with friends, and grew up into doing something she likes. I think at some point in my childhood I believed that maybe my "disability" will be cured in some capacity (which is pretty crazy) but my parent kind of fed me that lie. I think by 12 I knew the reality, I will never be normal and I will never fit in society.
I never had friends from 2nd grade up to 9th grade partially due to parents moving, severe social anxiety to the point of saying 0 words every day at school, and just being weird in general. I can still remember each night after my parents left I would cry until I got tired and fell asleep, and I would also spend most of my time watching TV and escaping from reality. I was still doing pretty well in school because I guess I got the smart genes and my parents did push me to do well. I think I never acted depressed or talked about how I thought about killing myself every day, so they never figured out that I was broken even knowing I had no friends in school. They honestly know more about my social anxiety now, but I'd never tell them or anyone that I have suicidal thoughts every day, I don't think it would ever happen.
In high school, I guess since everyone was looking at making friends I slowly found a couple of friends (or just people to talk in classes). I honestly was so happy to go from not speaking a word in class for the last 7 years to having a couple of people to talk to, I guess having my own phone and computer meant I was more connected to the world. I honestly thought that maybe my life would change and I'd finally have my chance of a normal life, especially since I ended up getting into a pretty good university in a pretty hyped major (technology). I think in college, I never ended up really building a social life. I never ended up getting internships myself like everyone else did. I did participate in clubs and do some extracurriculars, but I was never accepted in the group like everyone else probably because I can't socialize. I finally realized that maybe the 7 years of no social interaction in my youth and the severe anxiety and depression I had was something you can never recover from. I can't even formulate English sentences when I speak despite it being my native language. And that disability that no one seems to mention to my face because it's rude, but everyone picks it up, it's just a curse I was born with.
Even though I studied a relatively socially dead major (technology), surprise not surprise this world expects you to be able to speak decently well in interviews for people to trust you with a job, especially with this awful job market. Now I'm stuck in this world about to graduate college with no future, overweight, ugly, depressed, suicidal, can't talk like a normal human being, and no passion for anything. I honestly don't know what I should do in my cursed life anymore. I've been growing actively more depressed and noticing myself caring less about responsibilities like my midterm tom and homework due tom and having been skipping all my classes, not turning in assignments, and not studying.
I really don't want to live anymore like this, and I really don't want to face the future nor do I care about it that much about getting a job. I've realized that I would only be happy if my disability was gone and I had a normal life, but I know both of those things are physically impossible. In the past I've been deluding myself that I want other things like a job, a relationship, getting my own apartment and getting a cat, attending the concert of my favorite artists overseas. I think I do want those things, but more so I really just want to be able to smile and be enjoy life like everyone else. I've been sleeping more and just feeling tired even though I don't do anything, then I force myself to get up because I tell myself I should be grateful that I have a roof over my heads, two friends in my life, and family that loves me. I'm trying to find sources like DSL (I honestly still haven't cracked the code yet) but I don't think I'll carry through with it regardless. I'm too much of a coward to commit to anything in my life, including putting effort into finding a suicide source and committing to doing it. I feel so tired these days despite doing absolutely nothing every day, no work, skipping classes, not turning in homeworks and failing midterms.
I'm at the point in life where I've experienced everything I've really wanted but know I won't ever get what I truly want. I guess the only dream I really had to be born normal, have had a happy childhood where I hung out with friends, and grew up into doing something she likes. I think at some point in my childhood I believed that maybe my "disability" will be cured in some capacity (which is pretty crazy) but my parent kind of fed me that lie. I think by 12 I knew the reality, I will never be normal and I will never fit in society.
I never had friends from 2nd grade up to 9th grade partially due to parents moving, severe social anxiety to the point of saying 0 words every day at school, and just being weird in general. I can still remember each night after my parents left I would cry until I got tired and fell asleep, and I would also spend most of my time watching TV and escaping from reality. I was still doing pretty well in school because I guess I got the smart genes and my parents did push me to do well. I think I never acted depressed or talked about how I thought about killing myself every day, so they never figured out that I was broken even knowing I had no friends in school. They honestly know more about my social anxiety now, but I'd never tell them or anyone that I have suicidal thoughts every day, I don't think it would ever happen.
In high school, I guess since everyone was looking at making friends I slowly found a couple of friends (or just people to talk in classes). I honestly was so happy to go from not speaking a word in class for the last 7 years to having a couple of people to talk to, I guess having my own phone and computer meant I was more connected to the world. I honestly thought that maybe my life would change and I'd finally have my chance of a normal life, especially since I ended up getting into a pretty good university in a pretty hyped major (technology). I think in college, I never ended up really building a social life. I never ended up getting internships myself like everyone else did. I did participate in clubs and do some extracurriculars, but I was never accepted in the group like everyone else probably because I can't socialize. I finally realized that maybe the 7 years of no social interaction in my youth and the severe anxiety and depression I had was something you can never recover from. I can't even formulate English sentences when I speak despite it being my native language. And that disability that no one seems to mention to my face because it's rude, but everyone picks it up, it's just a curse I was born with.
Even though I studied a relatively socially dead major (technology), surprise not surprise this world expects you to be able to speak decently well in interviews for people to trust you with a job, especially with this awful job market. Now I'm stuck in this world about to graduate college with no future, overweight, ugly, depressed, suicidal, can't talk like a normal human being, and no passion for anything. I honestly don't know what I should do in my cursed life anymore. I've been growing actively more depressed and noticing myself caring less about responsibilities like my midterm tom and homework due tom and having been skipping all my classes, not turning in assignments, and not studying.
I really don't want to live anymore like this, and I really don't want to face the future nor do I care about it that much about getting a job. I've realized that I would only be happy if my disability was gone and I had a normal life, but I know both of those things are physically impossible. In the past I've been deluding myself that I want other things like a job, a relationship, getting my own apartment and getting a cat, attending the concert of my favorite artists overseas. I think I do want those things, but more so I really just want to be able to smile and be enjoy life like everyone else. I've been sleeping more and just feeling tired even though I don't do anything, then I force myself to get up because I tell myself I should be grateful that I have a roof over my heads, two friends in my life, and family that loves me. I'm trying to find sources like DSL (I honestly still haven't cracked the code yet) but I don't think I'll carry through with it regardless. I'm too much of a coward to commit to anything in my life, including putting effort into finding a suicide source and committing to doing it. I feel so tired these days despite doing absolutely nothing every day, no work, skipping classes, not turning in homeworks and failing midterms.
