Hi everyone

[MidnightDream]

Hi everyone.

My registration just got approved, so figured I should make my first post. I've lurked for a little while, mainly for research purposes, and I'm excited to become part of this community.

I'm not entirely certain what my purpose is on this site yet. I have BPD, so suicidal thoughts are normal for me, and it's always been obvious to me that I would prefer to be in control of my own death than let life do its own thing. I've attempted on multiple occasions with (clearly) little success, however these were impulsive decisions led by ill mental health, guilt and overall chaos, the consequences of which I was not prepared for.

This site has taught me that impulse is not the way to go, and I'm grateful. I've learned that the methods most typically associated with impulse decisions, and that I have leaned towards previously, are not as painless or even as successful as I had originally thought. This fills me with a lot of comfort, as I had always worried that my impulsive behaviours would steal my autonomy and ability to make such a meaningful (and permanent) decision for myself, along with the peace, tranquillity, and beauty of it all. This site and its knowledge has guided me down a path of research and planning, which I feel will lessen my desire to act impulsively.

That said, I worry that without the element of impulse, I would never go through with it. Even when completely inebriated, SI is a bitch. I often wonder if I would still be alive if SI wasn't a thing, and I assume not. I don't know whether I'm grateful for that or not. I wonder if there will ever come a point for me where the desire to ctb screams louder than any survival instinct could. This concept both scares and comforts me. I don't know if or when my time will come, but right now I feel at peace with seeing what comes and knowing that I'm learning all I can in the meantime.

The admins and community have done an incredible job here, sharing resources, information and support that has deeply impacted so many people, me included. Thanks for having me :)

 

[Passersby]

Welcome to SS. Here are your keys . You'll be in room 11. It's on the 13th floor down the hall to the right. Hope you enjoy your stay.

 

[hockeymum9999]

Welcome!

I don't post a lot on this site as I tend to be the quiet observer in the room. Most would not even notice if I were present or I disappeared.

 

[rationaltake]

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you're here.

 

[jodes2]

Welcome :) I hope you find what you're looking for, it's great (but also sad) to have you with us. Best of luck

 

[takemenowpls]

Welcome midnightdream. Sounds like you have done your homework about being impulsive. It will almost always lead to failure but like you mention it is a catch-22. How do you ctb without impulse? I think it's just a matter of coming to terms with your choice first. Start putting things in order ready to go when the moment comes. Then I guess it's all up to you after that to pull the proverbial trigger. At least this is my thinking and how I plan to go. There are a lot of great people here, along with good information. So whatever you decide you're in the right place

 

[hockeymum9999]

Welcome midnightdream. Sounds like you have done your homework about being impulsive. It will almost always lead to failure but like you mention it is a catch-22. How do you ctb without impulse? I think it's just a matter of coming to terms with your choice first. Start putting things in order ready to go when the moment comes. Then I guess it's all up to you after that to pull the proverbial trigger. At least this is my thinking and how I plan to go. There are a lot of great people here, along with good information. So whatever you decide you're in the right place

I do have everything ready for when I want to leave. I find it such a comfort knowing that it is there. Bizarre eh?

 

[MidnightDream]

Thank you everyone for such a warm welcome, I appreciate it so much <3

 

[LeavingEarly]

Hi everyone.

My registration just got approved, so figured I should make my first post. I've lurked for a little while, mainly for research purposes, and I'm excited to become part of this community.

I'm not entirely certain what my purpose is on this site yet. I have BPD, so suicidal thoughts are normal for me, and it's always been obvious to me that I would prefer to be in control of my own death than let life do its own thing. I've attempted on multiple occasions with (clearly) little success, however these were impulsive decisions led by ill mental health, guilt and overall chaos, the consequences of which I was not prepared for.

This site has taught me that impulse is not the way to go, and I'm grateful. I've learned that the methods most typically associated with impulse decisions, and that I have leaned towards previously, are not as painless or even as successful as I had originally thought. This fills me with a lot of comfort, as I had always worried that my impulsive behaviours would steal my autonomy and ability to make such a meaningful (and permanent) decision for myself, along with the peace, tranquillity, and beauty of it all. This site and its knowledge has guided me down a path of research and planning, which I feel will lessen my desire to act impulsively.

That said, I worry that without the element of impulse, I would never go through with it. Even when completely inebriated, SI is a bitch. I often wonder if I would still be alive if SI wasn't a thing, and I assume not. I don't know whether I'm grateful for that or not. I wonder if there will ever come a point for me where the desire to ctb screams louder than any survival instinct could. This concept both scares and comforts me. I don't know if or when my time will come, but right now I feel at peace with seeing what comes and knowing that I'm learning all I can in the meantime.

The admins and community have done an incredible job here, sharing resources, information and support that has deeply impacted so many people, me included. Thanks for having me :)

What is your method? What have you tried previously?

 

[DreamSurfer]

Welcome MidnightDream. I am also sorry that life has led you to this corner of the internet, but glad that this site is available for us. I also am being devoured by BPD, amongst other things. Above all, I hope that you can just find some comfort here, like I have. It feels nice to be able to communicate about the things that outside society would shun us for.

 

[MidnightDream]

Welcome MidnightDream. I am also sorry that life has led you to this corner of the internet, but glad that this site is available for us. I also am being devoured by BPD, amongst other things. Above all, I hope that you can just find some comfort here, like I have. It feels nice to be able to communicate about the things that outside society would shun us for.

Thank you so much for your kind words. That's exactly how I feel about being here too, it's bittersweet but so nice to have a place to speak openly about these things. I'm sorry that you're struggling with BPD too, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I wish you so much comfort and peace, whatever that may look like for you <3

 

[MidnightDream]

What is your method? What have you tried previously?

Nothing that would have ever been successful. Pills, cutting, and I tried to jump off a building once. I've now learnt that these just wouldn't even be worth considering and were probably more to cause myself discomfort rather than actually ctb. As for my method now, it would be SN. There's too much planning that would need to go into it for me to be able to do it on any kind of impulse, and the results seem pretty guaranteed so it would put me in the position to actually have to make, and be at peace with, the decision. Rather than jumping off something and thinking 'shit' half way down

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's important that there are ctb method resources available otherwise people would likely just attempt very unreliable and risky methods and end up failing. I have also always wanted to be in control of when I die, I believe that suicide is the best way to leave this world as after all we will all die eventually so I would rather exit when the time is right. I wish you the best.

 

[MidnightDream]

I think that it's important that there are ctb method resources available otherwise people would likely just attempt very unreliable and risky methods and end up failing. I have also always wanted to be in control of when I die, I believe that suicide is the best way to leave this world as after all we will all die eventually so I would rather exit when the time is right. I wish you the best.

Completely agree. Also I apologise if this is slightly odd, but I've seen your name quite a bit here the last few weeks and I just wanted to say that you seem like a lovely soul. Wishing you all the best also <3

 

[theboy]

Hello
I hope you soon have peace in your heart

 

[MidnightDream]

Hello
I hope you soon have peace in your heart

Same to you <3

 

[hellispink]

I also have BDP. I hope you feel listened here. Best wishes.

 

[Sammie]

Nothing that would have ever been successful. Pills, cutting, and I tried to jump off a building once. I've now learnt that these just wouldn't even be worth considering and were probably more to cause myself discomfort rather than actually ctb. As for my method now, it would be SN. There's too much planning that would need to go into it for me to be able to do it on any kind of impulse, and the results seem pretty guaranteed so it would put me in the position to actually have to make, and be at peace with, the decision. Rather than jumping off something and thinking 'shit' half way down

Welcome, I'm also new here and have impulse control issues...living recklessly isn't the answer I agree, it is also what brought me here. Researching actual methods to make an informed decision if ever I would be ready gives me comfort. SN would also be my choice, there would be a lot to get "in order" before I would feel at peace and I have people who still need me. So it sounds like you may be in the same headspace I am at this time. Sorry you are here, but it is somehow a warm place with others who understand.

 

[MidnightDream]

Welcome, I'm also new here and have impulse control issues...living recklessly isn't the answer I agree, it is also what brought me here. Researching actual methods to make an informed decision if ever I would be ready gives me comfort. SN would also be my choice, there would be a lot to get "in order" before I would feel at peace and I have people who still need me. So it sounds like you may be in the same headspace I am at this time. Sorry you are here, but it is somehow a warm place with others who understand.

This is honestly word for word how I feel. I don't even think there's anything I could add to it in response, I literally could have written it myself. Although it's sad that any of us feel the need to be here, the fact that this space exists a space where we can support and relate to each other is just so invaluable. Wishing you all the best <3