I missed a text on Friday and I responded back later that day, but he hasn't responded since. It was sent to me by some older dude who I met on some shitty app. He usually texts me everday, so it feels weird that he hasn't text me yesterday or today. I sent him some nudes earlier today, but he still hasn't responded.
I don't know why this bothers me so much. I think my own feelings of wanting to be desired might be it. Sending inappropiate pictures to others always leaves me feeling this weird mixture of pleasure, disgust, and emotional drain and I desire it. I don't really like myself and my feelings of self-hatred have only been getting worse over time. I don't think I've ever really liked myself. At best, there may have been a point in time where I felt neutral about myself, but I never actually liked myself.
A part of me really wants to feel desired by others. I'm slowly starting to give less of a shit about the potential consequences that could arise from seeking out this feeling. My family has to put up with me because they are my family and my past friends were likely only my friends out of sympathy or convenience. I want to feel wanted by someone who doesn't have any of those obligations or feelings of pity towards me. I want to be able to have that feeling of emptiness taken away from me, even if it's only temporary.
He told me he wants to me to be his girlfriend a while back. I told him that I'd feel more comfortable with keeping our relationship platonic and when he became more insistent on it we got into a small argument. Things died down quickly and conversations continued on as normal afterwards. I don't really want a boyfriend or any of that, yet sometimes I can't help but want to accept his offer, just because a part of me really likes the feeling it gives me. Another part of me doesn't like the feeling though. I probably won't take him up on the offer since I'm already planning to ctb at some point. Even if I wasn't going to ctb at all, I'd probably end up driving him away or he'd end up getting tired of me. Once people get to know me, they always come to eventually realize how awful I am to be around.
I remember my stepmother telling me about how both her, my dad, and my mom loved me, but the way in which my mom loved me was different from how her and my dad loved me. She was basically trying to imply that my mom loves me more like a thing rather than a person. A tool she could use to her own advantage to get what she wants. The sad thing is, my stepmother is partially right. My mom does love me like that, but so does the rest of my family. However, that view of me is dying away and they are slowly coming to realize that they've wasted 20 years of their lives on someone who has been nothing but a complete burden on to them. I've only managed to disappoint them throughout my entire life, and any rare moment in which I actually did accomplish something (albeit, usually the bare minimum) was usually just a fluke. Sometimes I feel jealous of my younger brother, even though he's 8 years younger than me, just because I can already tell that he's more likely to accomplish things in life. He's doing significantly better in life right now than I was at his age.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm probably going to buy some beer or something and drink it behind the alley. I don't know if I'll have the guts to go through with the purchase or not (I'm a very anxious person), but hopefully I will.
