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Zanexx

Zanexx

Dead
Jul 15, 2018
189
I'm Zanexx - not my real name obviously. I'm physically female and in my mid-20s.

Fundamentally, I am almost completely nihilistic and close enough to an antinatalist. At the very least, I see no inherent value in life.

I was supposed to die on either the 9th or the 13th, but shit happened (no attempts ended up being made for logistical reasons) and I'm still here. My last proper attempts were a little over a month ago. My method: hanging, I have a 5m polyhemp rope I purchased online, a collapsible stool and an MP3 player so I can listen to music during the act to try and make it easier. My last attempts failed because I didn't have something high enough to kick away and the branches I tried were too low-hanging (basically I couldn't achieve proper suspension because I didn't have a stool at that point and was trying to use buckets which kept collapsing and this also meant I couldn't reach to any significantly high branches).

I've been planning to make another attempt tonight, which I am fairly sure will be successful if it goes ahead.

I'm glad I've found this site as it feels near impossible to discuss suicide openly. Personally, I don't see suicide as bad in and of itself.

I'm not sure if I feel like going into my circumstances at this moment, but I just wanted to say hello to you all. It helps to feel less alone in the moment, even if I will probably still end up dying.
 
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Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
551
Well this is an interesting post, seems like u want to go full suspension.
If you don't mind telling your story I will read it, it's up to you. I'm sorry you will try to end your life, I wish it would be easier.
 
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Zanexx

Zanexx

Dead
Jul 15, 2018
189
Yes, I want full suspension (short-drop). It feels more... final that way. Like, because it hurts, I'd rather it was done and no going back if possible. I worry I would "unsuspend" myself to try and avoid pain otherwise. I even thought about trying to find a way to restrain my hands to avoid clawing at the rope.

(I might post about the situation in a while not sure...)
 
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Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
551
Yeah that method does sound final.
How long have you been suicidal for?
When did you become a nihilist?
 
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Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
233
Well, my friend, I'm sorry to say that we all still end up dying ;) ...I wish you had access to more up-to-date methodology instead (as should everyone, had we been born into a rational & compassionate society). Always a pain to see a fellow inmate in these sorts of circumstances
 
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Zanexx

Zanexx

Dead
Jul 15, 2018
189
I guess I should have clarified - dying in the self-determined sense. What do you mean by "more up-to-date methodology"? Do you mean voluntary euthanasia such as lethal injection? Suffice to say, I wrote to Dignitas years ago and was rejected (as expected) due to lack of terminal illness.
 
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Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
233
I know ;) Don't get me wrong, I can't imagine dying any other way; voluntary/rational suicide is the ultimate acceptance of reality, namely, the acknowledgement that death is real (we know from Terror Management Theory that most of Homo sapiens exist exclusively in a state of total death denial --this denial being the real, true pathology). Since Homo sapiens are the only known animal to have evolved to the point of being conscious of death, natural selection was required (by thermodynamic law) to take out another entropic loan: psychological death denial in its many forms. Had natural selection not taken out that loan by harnessing exponentially higher amounts of entropy, you and I would not be here ;) ...despite the unfathomably high degrees of complexity that is human civilization, which we see around us every day, it all has but a single evolutionary purpose: death denial/distraction ...however astonishing, complex, unspeakable, & unthinkable this may seem. We are each an individualized, self-aware, shadow/shard of time itself. ~ "This is not a universe that is advancing toward a goal; it is one that is caught in the grip of an unbreakable pattern." --Sean M. Carroll

I go by Exit International's mission: "A Peaceful Death is Everybody's Right" --The wisdom of this statement alone is enough to reject nihilism, at least for those of us who already exist and who find ourselves ingrained in the human experience, of all experiences :meh:. It becomes clear that those final moments of our subjective life hold an immutable if not eternal priority unlike any of the prior moments, having lived within a singular, perpetual present throughout the entirety of the uncanny, ephemeral human experience. Philip Nitschke is undoubtedly one of the most compassionate human beings to have walked this planet, --from the dawn of man, up until [at least] the present-day.

Always a pain to see others settling (or being forced due to circumstance) for stone-age methods. With little handiwork, a nitrogen exit bag can be constructed for under $180 at the cheapest, so it is an option. In the present era (2018 and vicinity), Nitrogen is second only to the standard euthanasia drugs (barbiturates).

 
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skitliv

skitliv

Le mort joyeux
Jul 11, 2018
485
Welcome Zanexx, I hope your stay here is a good one
 
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Ampsvx123

Ampsvx123

Student
Jul 10, 2018
124
I wish I had your courage
 
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M

Mecha Man

Experienced
Jul 16, 2018
230
I'm Zanexx - not my real name obviously. I'm physically female and in my mid-20s.

Fundamentally, I am almost completely nihilistic and close enough to an antinatalist. At the very least, I see no inherent value in life.

I was supposed to die on either the 9th or the 13th, but shit happened (no attempts ended up being made for logistical reasons) and I'm still here. My last proper attempts were a little over a month ago. My method: hanging, I have a 5m polyhemp rope I purchased online, a collapsible stool and an MP3 player so I can listen to music during the act to try and make it easier. My last attempts failed because I didn't have something high enough to kick away and the branches I tried were too low-hanging (basically I couldn't achieve proper suspension because I didn't have a stool at that point and was trying to use buckets which kept collapsing and this also meant I couldn't reach to any significantly high branches).

I've been planning to make another attempt tonight, which I am fairly sure will be successful if it goes ahead.

I'm glad I've found this site as it feels near impossible to discuss suicide openly. Personally, I don't see suicide as bad in and of itself.

I'm not sure if I feel like going into my circumstances at this moment, but I just wanted to say hello to you all. It helps to feel less alone in the moment, even if I will probably still end up dying.

Hi! I just found this site today myself, and I truly share your sentiments about finding a site like this where we can talk openly and embrace suicide together and try to help make it easier for each other! I've thought about hanging, myself, but I guess on one hand I don't like the idea of disturbing people by the site of my lifeless swinging body, and on the other hand I'm just not brave enough to do it (yet anyways). Basically, my emotions are getting the better of me. But anyways, good luck and everything.
 
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L

Legalizemybody

Member
Mar 19, 2020
57
I guess I should have clarified - dying in the self-determined sense. What do you mean by "more up-to-date methodology"? Do you mean voluntary euthanasia such as lethal injection? Suffice to say, I wrote to Dignitas years ago and was rejected (as expected) due to lack of terminal illness.
I am working on getting an appraisal for Dignitas. Isn't it for mental illness as well? Why were you denied if you don't mind me asking?
 
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