Hey guys…

[sadnurse90]

I'm not doing well. I don't want to die but I feel like I should. Like things will be easier. I have a ten month old baby though and I really want to stay with her… but not if I'm not well?

Like she has plenty of family and people that love her. She would be provided for…. I love her so much. ): I'm just tired. Nothing is her fault. I just hate this, feeling of dread.

 

[unraveling]

probably a stupid suggestion since you're a nurse but I hear post pregnancy depression is a thing, maybe that's a factor? Even if you were already depressed prior, pregnancy hormones probably made it worse. Hang on and give it time, is what I'm trying to say. You could very easily feel very very different in a year or two, and be happy that you made it through. And no, things will not be easier for your daughter if her mom offs herself. She'll have to go her whole childhood with that hanging over her head, which is gonna cause a depression all of it's own. If you want to help your daughter you have to help yourself, you're a nurse, you know the drill. For some reason I can't put emoticons in. Anyway, hugs and a woebegone smile.

 

[sadnurse90]

That's true. I don't want to do anything to hurt her but I don't know. Thanks

 

[.............]

Wanting to die is such a strong urge so I understand how difficult it can be with a child. Even if she already has a support system other than yourself, it would truly be best to stay here with her. And really, I hope she brings you joy while you're here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[sadnurse90]

I think it's a combination of all my failures and embarrassments. I wonder what she'll grow up and think of me. Maybe it would be better if she didn't know me. I know logically that isn't true but I feel this way. I've already let her down. I just wanna somehow write her something that says everything I need to say to her in life and just go to sleep and not wake up.

But then I'm scared to. I'm scared to leave her like that. I have the desire to see what she becomes in five or ten years. I'm just filled with terror and anxiety every day.

Doctor prescribed me Ativan .5 twice daily for panic attacks and I take it twice a day. It helps mute things. I have left over Xanax I'm saving. I don't know I feel so worthless to her. I asked doctor for an antidepressant and he said he didn't want me to be zonked out. But he prescribed me narcotics first so that makes no sense to me but whatever.
Thanks for always listening guys… please I'm so scared of people posting hateful stuff. Like I know I'm coming off whiny. I'm sorry.

 

[sadnurse90]

Thank you so much… I think I might be experiencing something like that and it's so different to be aware of it. I fear the day Ativan stops working because it's been a godsend to hit mute on what I'm feeling. I will absolutely follow up with an antidepressant or something.

We don't deserve any of this. But sometimes it's like so hard to get out of, and impossible.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Thank you so much… I think I might be experiencing something like that and it's so different to be aware of it. I fear the day Ativan stops working because it's been a godsend to hit mute on what I'm feeling. I will absolutely follow up with an antidepressant or something.

We don't deserve any of this. But sometimes it's like so hard to get out of, and impossible.

Please, please do not leave your daughter.

You say that you are concerned that she will think badly of you later. The flaw in your logic is that she will likely think poorly of you - and perhaps even that she was the cause of your death - if you choose to end your life.

From my armchair, I would say that you are likely suffering with post partum depression. It is real, it is frightening, and it is dangerous. I am NOT a medical professional and can only go by what I have seen friends struggle with, but you should not be feeling this bad. No one should have to feel this bad.

Please do not wait to seek help. Please call your doctor or head to an emergency room right away. Tell them what has been working and what is not. Please be honest about what you are thinking and feeling. It is far better for your daughter to have you be zoned out now than gone forever.

(((HUGS)))

Jennifer

 

[AnnyMyr]

You should inform your family about this and go to a good clinic for 1-2 months. You have postpartum depression, I had the same thing. My child didn't sleep, I didn't sleep, I was still working, I was like a zombie. Then I develop mental problems. I came to the clinic when my child was 3 years old. If it had happened sooner, perhaps I would have recovered. Pills alone are not enough, a complete change of scenery is needed.

 

[sadnurse90]

You should inform your family about this and go to a good clinic for 1-2 months. You have postpartum depression, I had the same thing. My child didn't sleep, I didn't sleep, I was still working, I was like a zombie. Then I develop mental problems. I came to the clinic when my child was 3 years old. If it had happened sooner, perhaps I would have recovered. Pills alone are not enough, a complete change of scenery is needed.

I just can't do that financially right now but maybe at some point

 

[its-about-time]

Ativan is great but daily use will build a tolerance. You need a new doctor. If you're using your general or natal doctor for psych help, time to go to an actual psych professional. Anti depressants don't just zonk everyone out and it's uninformed logic on the doc's part. Being zonked tends to happen at incorrect doses and you need someone who best understands those medications.

I'm sending you lots of love. I don't have children but I can believe that it's unbearable pain to decide between death when a new baby is a factor. Give recovery your best shot, if not for yourself, then for your child. Death will always be an option for you, and I wouldn't judge you for it, but it's worth trying to make life more than it is now first.

 

[OldDrummer]

So sorry for what you're going through, I wish I had some magic piece of advice that would make it better for you, but sadly I don't.

You mentioned your husband previously - can you talk honestly and openly with him about your issues?

 

[sadnurse90]

So sorry for what you're going through, I wish I had some magic piece of advice that would make it better for you, but sadly I don't.

You mentioned your husband previously - can you talk honestly and openly with him about your issues?

Thankfully I can. I tell him it all, he takes me on "car rides" when things get really bad. I just don't think he truly believes it. Maybe now that he's seen me on meds and such but I can talk to him. I haven't told him fully of my thoughts of suicide but I have told him I want him to get remarried and such of things do go bad. I'm not sure… I feel weird just typing all this.

Ativan is great but daily use will build a tolerance. You need a new doctor. If you're using your general or natal doctor for psych help, time to go to an actual psych professional. Anti depressants don't just zonk everyone out and it's uninformed logic on the doc's part. Being zonked tends to happen at incorrect doses and you need someone who best understands those medications.

I'm sending you lots of love. I don't have children but I can believe that it's unbearable pain to decide between death when a new baby is a factor. Give recovery your best shot, if not for yourself, then for your child. Death will always be an option for you, and I wouldn't judge you for it, but it's worth trying to make life more than it is now first.

I do have just a doctor for the ativan and I'm starting services with a psych doctor. He wants me to switch to clonopin and I'm not a huge fan. I literally just sleep on that. Ativan I can function and get on. I'm gonna try to explain that. I get they are worried about dependence.

Honestly my baby is the only reason I'm still here, I'm giving this a real try for her. I appreciate you being so non judgemental. This is a huge shame for me. I never want to hurt her. I'm just not good for her right now either, like she deserves better. But the logical side of my brain gets that it's depression and anxiety talking. Idk lol

 

[AnnyMyr]

Thankfully I can. I tell him it all, he takes me on "car rides" when things get really bad. I just don't think he truly believes it. Maybe now that he's seen me on meds and such but I can talk to him. I haven't told him fully of my thoughts of suicide but I have told him I want him to get remarried and such of things do go bad. I'm not sure… I feel weird just typing all this.

I do have just a doctor for the ativan and I'm starting services with a psych doctor. He wants me to switch to clonopin and I'm not a huge fan. I literally just sleep on that. Ativan I can function and get on. I'm gonna try to explain that. I get they are worried about dependence.

Honestly my baby is the only reason I'm still here, I'm giving this a real try for her. I appreciate you being so non judgemental. This is a huge shame for me. I never want to hurt her. I'm just not good for her right now either, like she deserves better. But the logical side of my brain gets that it's depression and anxiety talking. Idk lol

I have the same thing. I want to kill myself so that my husband will get married again and find a good mother for our son. But this is an illusion. You just need to rest and sleep for a month in a different environment. Tell your husband, otherwise you're finished. Let your parents take the child for a while?

 

[CTBgenuine]

I'm not doing well. I don't want to die but I feel like I should. Like things will be easier. I have a ten month old baby though and I really want to stay with her… but not if I'm not well?

Like she has plenty of family and people that love her. She would be provided for…. I love her so much. ): I'm just tired. Nothing is her fault. I just hate this, feeling of dread.

Hi. It's so nice to see a genuine non attention seeking person here. After browsing hundreds of these posts, I came across yours and reading this has been refreshing. I understand how you feel. Do you have depression? Perhaps post partum?.. Do you have any support in your life?

 

[sadnurse90]

I have the same thing. I want to kill myself so that my husband will get married again and find a good mother for our son. But this is an illusion. You just need to rest and sleep for a month in a different environment. Tell your husband, otherwise you're finished. Let your parents take the child for a while?

See you phrased it just right. Just financially right now that's impossible. I'm kind of the bread winner at the moment and my parents aren't in the picture. My husband very supportive but I think he'd be more like angry. He started this new job and initially it's a paycut so I'm kinda stuck working full time for a bit. If I pulled back suddenly I'm not sure how he'd react. But I'm gonna get psych help as soon as we get insurance again. For now it's all ativan every day…

 

[AnnyMyr]

This is very sad. Medical care in Russia is free. I am unemployed, but I can see a psychotherapist and am in a clinic if I want. I also get some medicines for free. Nothing helps me though. I wish you all the best, I hope things change for the better.

 

[davidgeorge]

Life can be hard with a baby but it's also ever so rewarding. I hope you find a way through this.

 

[sadnurse90]

This is very sad. Medical care in Russia is free. I am unemployed, but I can see a psychotherapist and am in a clinic if I want. I also get some medicines for free. Nothing helps me though. I wish you all the best, I hope things change for the better.

Just showcases how different the world is… ): yeah.