Hesitation help please

[ostsrsbs]

Pretty much what it says. I don't know if you can see the post I wrote a while back on here, but it's basically because of that. And yet despite being such a toxic person, absolutely nobody wanting to talk to me and being kicked out of more and more communities by the day, I don't know why I'm hesitating to CTB so much. I know I'm a rotten egg, I know I've caused so much pain and trauma for people and I'm sick of feeling so shit all the time and that I need to CTB for my own sake and for others.

How do you go from feeling like THAT (the kind of passive suicidality of "I need to go") to actually wanting to DO IT. Do you get what I mean? I agree 100% with the idea of "I need to CTB" and yet it's been almost ten years since my last actual attempt?

I'd really appreciate some advice in how to bring my mentality and physicality closer to actually CTB, to stop hesitating and hoping. Thank you.

 

[hungry_ghost]

To be fair, the fact that you have this self-awareness is a good thing.

Most people have no idea that they are toxic, and/or they don't care, but it seems like you do.

It's the first step in changing one's behavior.

 

[SexyIncél]

Interesting! I'm similar in some ways

First off, do you know any external reasons you're this way? For example, bad childhood that mutilated your psyche, or something?

If so, you might do what I do: egotistically say this world doesn't deserve me. It's pathetic, I won't lower myself to it

 

[Aboutblue]

I don't know. I was driving to a friend's house today for a weekly show watching thing and then turned around with the intent to kill myself. I tried to focus on imagining going through with the jump and pushing myself to do it. It felt like it was only right that I die. Problem is, by the time I got home, cleaned up, and started writing my suicide notes I was totally empty inside and didn't have the will to do it. I tried browsing photos of the happy life I used to have, and the girl I love, and it made me feel pain but it didn't get me out the door.

It's always like this. By the time I get to the bridge I'm too hesitant. I can't even force myself to buy SN. I'm tired of suicidal ideation. I need to just fucking do it or... I don't know what, because things aren't ever getting better. Endless suffering for no reason.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I completely get where you are coming from. I've been suicidal for 32 years. I've always wanted to hang on until my Dad passes, so that has been my 'excuse.' Still, in truth, I don't know if I have the guts to go ahead with it regardless.

Recently, I started trying to decide on a method with the intention to get things in place for when the time comes. Honestly, I'm already faltering. I'm taking that to mean that I'm probably not quite ready. If you are TOTALLY sure ctb is what you want, I think starting to 'prepare' is a way of really testing yourself. I still need to make a will, arrange a pre-pay funeral, write my goodbye notes and get my shit together regarding a method. I think if starting to get practical over things frightens you, it's probably not quite the right time for you yet. I guess we can all just try and support one another here in death's waiting room till the time comes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think that many people get desperate enough and they manage to leave. All that they want is to escape. I'm not sure if you can really force yourself to feel ready to leave, often life makes people feel that way. But maybe people have less hesitations when they have a method that they feel confident in and they believe that it will succeed.