The story is extremely complicated. I will just state some facts and sum up main points of this story. I elaborated on them countless times if you want to know all the details read my old threads related to this issue.
They did not openly say that to me. I think in Germany this might be illegal. So I appreciate each word of them.
Some years ago I was acute suicidal in the psychiatry. I was highly suicidal tried partial etc. and they were shocked. One male nurse warned me to make a patients decree before doing such dangerous stuff. And because of that comment he became and still is my favorite nurse in that clinic. To make a time skip. When I lost my job my therapists gave me up and considered me an hopeless case that will ctb eventually. This is now more or less an open secret. Shortly afterwards the German highest court ruled in favor of liberal assisted suicide laws. I visited this clinic for some hours during that time period. There was a newspaper on the table writing about this ruling. This certain nurse was pretty pale stared at the newspaper then he looked at me and made some vague comments about my case and how tragic it is. I cannot remember the exact words but it was obvious he made a connection between this ruling and my case. It sounded like he welcomed this ruling and it almost felt like he even cried because of my case in the past. I cannot find the right words but he was emotionally very touched by my fate.You could see that in his eyes. He often made condescending comments towards my mom when she was around because abused me as a child which led to my hellish life.
However not all of them were that empathetic. There was for example one religious nurse that treated my suicidality equivalent to insanity. But I almost never talked to her. There was one nurse I had a closer relation to. She knew about my suicidality. One time I met her in the train. I did not noticed her at first I felt nightmarish to that time. I shook my head and battled with commiitting suicide to that time. On the outside you could really see that I am going through hell. However I only noticed that she looked at me after my beahvior. I was happy to see a familiar face. However it was very obivous she avoided any contact with me after seeing my desperation. She stared in the other direction to avoid that we gaze at each other which made me sad. I think such staff is trained not to become emotional when people commit suicide. I met her one time afterwards in the clinic. I am pretty sure she remembered that incident. Sometimes in this clinic my suicidality was blamed on me. They searched for reason how to justify all the pain. Some hoped I might have taken drugs. Which is not the case. They all knew from he child abuse and my longterm severe suicidality since. The nurse changed the workplace shortly afterwards. I don't really think it had anything to do with my case. We barely had contact.
Nevertheless there were two therapist one psychologist and one psychiatrist. And they were pretty overwhelmed by my case. I was in that clinic 5 years ago. I was severely suicidal at that stay. I was invited to a talk about my illness in front of psychology students. And I went all out. I described my story. My abuse and the suicidality which emerged of that. I think I am quite articulate and afterwards everyone in this room was completely shocked. The young psycholohgist student that interviewed me shook with her fingers very much when we shook our hands and stared at me. These people were stunned. All of them. They were lost for words. The woman who interviewed me looked like someone who might need an appointmenr with a therapist for herself after the interview. I think the extreme pain I was in was palpable for everyone. In my monologue I said something like. When I am depressed I read books of people who committed suicide. I spent my time in suicide forums and I plan my own suicide. Silence. She responded because you see yourself in such cases. Again silence. Sometimes I inserted some very dark humor witty jokes because they transfigure pain. However it must have contributed to the notion that I am in extreme desperation and pain. And kind of traumatized.
So this was in 2018. My major depression and suicidality continued of course. In the conversations with the staff I always explained that my suicidality began with 15 and never ended. The two therapists of that clinic were scared I could commit suicide any time. There was miscommunication. I wanted to communicate: There is no escape for me. Don't engage yourself too much in my case. I tried to keep a distance to them. I was not sure when I would commit suicide and was ambivalent. At first they thought I might be acute suicidal and the psychologist misinterpreted some of my behaviors. I only wanted to singal my longterm suicidality and that there is no hope for me. The story becomes very complicated why wasn't I forced to a psych ward when they feared I was acute suicidal. They are not my primary therapists I only had lose contact with them. They were not responsible for me. However indirectly they tried to influeence me. But I don't want to waste time with these details.
Retrospectively I should have made clear I was not acute suicidal to that time. But there were so many misunderstandings. The psychologist of that clinic thought and maybe hoped my core problem was not being able to endure depression any longer. This never was my problem. My problem is and was that I will kill myself when I crash the next time from mania into depression. And since bipolar usually proceeds in cycles there is no real escape for me. The core problem he envisoned would have been solvable but not this one.
I had to be sometimes at that clinic and met the staff but I won't elaborate why. However it gave me an impression about how they think of me. Okay I will say it my sister had to go to that clinic. And my sister told me that this certain psychiatrist always starred at her with a pale face, cold eyes, and I forgot the last words it is a while ago. The whole situation lasted roundabout 2 years. They worried a lot about me. The psychiatrist quit her job I assume she went to another workplace. I am quite sure she (also) did that because of me. There was a delusional bipolar girl who almost killed herself accidentally and I think this burdened the staff of that clinic too. When I met that psychiatrist the last time I was once again in horrible pain because I lost my job. I looked her in the eyses which I usually avoided. She looked like she slept very very bad over a long period of time. As I once elaborated in a thread they had some codes to classify situations in that clinic. And she told me before she left she always has a bad feeling when thinking about my case. (certain German idiom unable to translate). Which was sort of a euphemism. I looked her in the face it is a while ago. But she shook her head and said something like we cannot imprison people like me for the rest of their lives. She knew I had treatment resisting suicidality since the age of 15. And I signaled there is no hope for me. Eventually I gonna commit suicide. She looked like (maybe she expressed it with some words aloud) she was saying to herself "what shall I do with such a behavior" and slightly blamed the whole thing on me. However some seconds afterwards I could see how emotionally she was tortured by the notion that I will have to kill myself when the shit continues which was happening over the last several years. So I cannot tell her story further. But she was very very burdened by my case. I don't know her take on assisted suicide though.
But I can say what happened to the other psychologist. The story is once again very complicated with many misunderstanding. After I was fired he had to give me up. He tried to be professional and act like emotionally controlled. But you you could see it broke his heart. He even compared me with his own kids. When he left that room you could see he was pretty done. He still hoped for progress. And here come once again a lot of misunderstandings. For example my major depression ended after 2,5 years and he celebrated it. He thought my problems were now solved and there will be an happy end for me. He had in many instances way too much naive optimism concerning my case. I could imagine so that he can sleep better. Before my major depression ended we had a short conversation. As I said I think the staff has the policy to be distanced to cases like me. Shortly before our conversation ended that day he said something like. I am pretty sure I once wrote the exact words in this forum. He was more or less alluding to it. He said something like no matter how my life ends he hopes that there will be involved the least pain as possible. Which I personally see as a take in favor of assisted suicide. He said these words some months after the ruling of the highest German consitutional court in favor oflliberal assisted suicide laws.
Mayybe I should have had a better smokinbg gun after this huge wall of text. Later he once again falsely assumed my life was now saved but most of it is naive optimism because he is not aware of my core issues. Despite the fact I am able to attend college my nervous system is way too fucked for working a regular job. In case I have to return to this clinic I will tell them that I am part of a suicide forum and which positive impact this had on my life so far. The venting about my life and my pain comforted me so much. And the loneliness without this forum was soul-crushing I can remember that time pretty accurately. I was also disconnected to my horrible therapist of that time who gave up on me after some months. I think some of the staff is aware that if someone is suicidal for over a decade with barely any improving. Knowing that my life circumstances will only become worse. I think some of them will be/are reasonable enough no matter what the moral codex of the psychiatry forces them to say. I think if they see that it will end in suicide no matter what. They would probably cope better with my death if had a chance to go peacefully. And I think they know I am savvy enough to find such a method. And well here this forum comes into play. I ask myelf whether the peopleI mentioned could get in trouble for alluding this might be a morally acceptable outcome considering my circumstances. Well the laws have changed since. But I could imagine the psychiatry as employee would not be that happy. This is probably one reason why they remained vague in thier statements. And I certainly won't tell that other staff members in this clinic. However I will explain it to the whole world with this thread. That even staff member of the psychiatry seem to realize more and more how unreasonable the current handling/policies on such matters are. In the fucking 21. century. In the year 2023.
However the guy I am talking about might have changed his mind. He had the logical fallacy there was still hope in my case. But he only has that because he does not know all the details. And in case I have to return to that clinic I will have to shatter this hope. But I want to ctb anyway in that case so the hope will shatter itself presumably.
They did not openly say that to me. I think in Germany this might be illegal. So I appreciate each word of them.
Some years ago I was acute suicidal in the psychiatry. I was highly suicidal tried partial etc. and they were shocked. One male nurse warned me to make a patients decree before doing such dangerous stuff. And because of that comment he became and still is my favorite nurse in that clinic. To make a time skip. When I lost my job my therapists gave me up and considered me an hopeless case that will ctb eventually. This is now more or less an open secret. Shortly afterwards the German highest court ruled in favor of liberal assisted suicide laws. I visited this clinic for some hours during that time period. There was a newspaper on the table writing about this ruling. This certain nurse was pretty pale stared at the newspaper then he looked at me and made some vague comments about my case and how tragic it is. I cannot remember the exact words but it was obvious he made a connection between this ruling and my case. It sounded like he welcomed this ruling and it almost felt like he even cried because of my case in the past. I cannot find the right words but he was emotionally very touched by my fate.You could see that in his eyes. He often made condescending comments towards my mom when she was around because abused me as a child which led to my hellish life.
However not all of them were that empathetic. There was for example one religious nurse that treated my suicidality equivalent to insanity. But I almost never talked to her. There was one nurse I had a closer relation to. She knew about my suicidality. One time I met her in the train. I did not noticed her at first I felt nightmarish to that time. I shook my head and battled with commiitting suicide to that time. On the outside you could really see that I am going through hell. However I only noticed that she looked at me after my beahvior. I was happy to see a familiar face. However it was very obivous she avoided any contact with me after seeing my desperation. She stared in the other direction to avoid that we gaze at each other which made me sad. I think such staff is trained not to become emotional when people commit suicide. I met her one time afterwards in the clinic. I am pretty sure she remembered that incident. Sometimes in this clinic my suicidality was blamed on me. They searched for reason how to justify all the pain. Some hoped I might have taken drugs. Which is not the case. They all knew from he child abuse and my longterm severe suicidality since. The nurse changed the workplace shortly afterwards. I don't really think it had anything to do with my case. We barely had contact.
Nevertheless there were two therapist one psychologist and one psychiatrist. And they were pretty overwhelmed by my case. I was in that clinic 5 years ago. I was severely suicidal at that stay. I was invited to a talk about my illness in front of psychology students. And I went all out. I described my story. My abuse and the suicidality which emerged of that. I think I am quite articulate and afterwards everyone in this room was completely shocked. The young psycholohgist student that interviewed me shook with her fingers very much when we shook our hands and stared at me. These people were stunned. All of them. They were lost for words. The woman who interviewed me looked like someone who might need an appointmenr with a therapist for herself after the interview. I think the extreme pain I was in was palpable for everyone. In my monologue I said something like. When I am depressed I read books of people who committed suicide. I spent my time in suicide forums and I plan my own suicide. Silence. She responded because you see yourself in such cases. Again silence. Sometimes I inserted some very dark humor witty jokes because they transfigure pain. However it must have contributed to the notion that I am in extreme desperation and pain. And kind of traumatized.
So this was in 2018. My major depression and suicidality continued of course. In the conversations with the staff I always explained that my suicidality began with 15 and never ended. The two therapists of that clinic were scared I could commit suicide any time. There was miscommunication. I wanted to communicate: There is no escape for me. Don't engage yourself too much in my case. I tried to keep a distance to them. I was not sure when I would commit suicide and was ambivalent. At first they thought I might be acute suicidal and the psychologist misinterpreted some of my behaviors. I only wanted to singal my longterm suicidality and that there is no hope for me. The story becomes very complicated why wasn't I forced to a psych ward when they feared I was acute suicidal. They are not my primary therapists I only had lose contact with them. They were not responsible for me. However indirectly they tried to influeence me. But I don't want to waste time with these details.
Retrospectively I should have made clear I was not acute suicidal to that time. But there were so many misunderstandings. The psychologist of that clinic thought and maybe hoped my core problem was not being able to endure depression any longer. This never was my problem. My problem is and was that I will kill myself when I crash the next time from mania into depression. And since bipolar usually proceeds in cycles there is no real escape for me. The core problem he envisoned would have been solvable but not this one.
I had to be sometimes at that clinic and met the staff but I won't elaborate why. However it gave me an impression about how they think of me. Okay I will say it my sister had to go to that clinic. And my sister told me that this certain psychiatrist always starred at her with a pale face, cold eyes, and I forgot the last words it is a while ago. The whole situation lasted roundabout 2 years. They worried a lot about me. The psychiatrist quit her job I assume she went to another workplace. I am quite sure she (also) did that because of me. There was a delusional bipolar girl who almost killed herself accidentally and I think this burdened the staff of that clinic too. When I met that psychiatrist the last time I was once again in horrible pain because I lost my job. I looked her in the eyses which I usually avoided. She looked like she slept very very bad over a long period of time. As I once elaborated in a thread they had some codes to classify situations in that clinic. And she told me before she left she always has a bad feeling when thinking about my case. (certain German idiom unable to translate). Which was sort of a euphemism. I looked her in the face it is a while ago. But she shook her head and said something like we cannot imprison people like me for the rest of their lives. She knew I had treatment resisting suicidality since the age of 15. And I signaled there is no hope for me. Eventually I gonna commit suicide. She looked like (maybe she expressed it with some words aloud) she was saying to herself "what shall I do with such a behavior" and slightly blamed the whole thing on me. However some seconds afterwards I could see how emotionally she was tortured by the notion that I will have to kill myself when the shit continues which was happening over the last several years. So I cannot tell her story further. But she was very very burdened by my case. I don't know her take on assisted suicide though.
But I can say what happened to the other psychologist. The story is once again very complicated with many misunderstanding. After I was fired he had to give me up. He tried to be professional and act like emotionally controlled. But you you could see it broke his heart. He even compared me with his own kids. When he left that room you could see he was pretty done. He still hoped for progress. And here come once again a lot of misunderstandings. For example my major depression ended after 2,5 years and he celebrated it. He thought my problems were now solved and there will be an happy end for me. He had in many instances way too much naive optimism concerning my case. I could imagine so that he can sleep better. Before my major depression ended we had a short conversation. As I said I think the staff has the policy to be distanced to cases like me. Shortly before our conversation ended that day he said something like. I am pretty sure I once wrote the exact words in this forum. He was more or less alluding to it. He said something like no matter how my life ends he hopes that there will be involved the least pain as possible. Which I personally see as a take in favor of assisted suicide. He said these words some months after the ruling of the highest German consitutional court in favor oflliberal assisted suicide laws.
Mayybe I should have had a better smokinbg gun after this huge wall of text. Later he once again falsely assumed my life was now saved but most of it is naive optimism because he is not aware of my core issues. Despite the fact I am able to attend college my nervous system is way too fucked for working a regular job. In case I have to return to this clinic I will tell them that I am part of a suicide forum and which positive impact this had on my life so far. The venting about my life and my pain comforted me so much. And the loneliness without this forum was soul-crushing I can remember that time pretty accurately. I was also disconnected to my horrible therapist of that time who gave up on me after some months. I think some of the staff is aware that if someone is suicidal for over a decade with barely any improving. Knowing that my life circumstances will only become worse. I think some of them will be/are reasonable enough no matter what the moral codex of the psychiatry forces them to say. I think if they see that it will end in suicide no matter what. They would probably cope better with my death if had a chance to go peacefully. And I think they know I am savvy enough to find such a method. And well here this forum comes into play. I ask myelf whether the peopleI mentioned could get in trouble for alluding this might be a morally acceptable outcome considering my circumstances. Well the laws have changed since. But I could imagine the psychiatry as employee would not be that happy. This is probably one reason why they remained vague in thier statements. And I certainly won't tell that other staff members in this clinic. However I will explain it to the whole world with this thread. That even staff member of the psychiatry seem to realize more and more how unreasonable the current handling/policies on such matters are. In the fucking 21. century. In the year 2023.
However the guy I am talking about might have changed his mind. He had the logical fallacy there was still hope in my case. But he only has that because he does not know all the details. And in case I have to return to that clinic I will have to shatter this hope. But I want to ctb anyway in that case so the hope will shatter itself presumably.
