Venting Here again. Why do I even try?

[cowbain]

Yesterday was such an awful whirlwind of a day. More than usual. I woke up with this feeling in my chest and body like I was dying. It's soul crushing. Getting triggered over dumb internet interactions. Talked to this person I'm working with in this program I'm in. It didn't help. I was in a constant state of a panic attack.

My obgyn said I may possibly have fibroids. This past week I've noticed I've felt extremely bad and I've been having pelvic pain/aches and popping sensations near my ovaries. I started my period yesterday at an unusual time for me and because of how anxious I am I was convinced I was having a ovarian torsion.

My dad wasn't even going to take me to the hospital and on the way there he yelled at me the entire time and threatened to kick me out the house for telling him off and defending myself. I had to sit in the er waiting room alone. I was on the brink of tears the entire time. I know my dad is bad but situations like these remind me just how bad he really is.

I decided to get the transvaginal ultrasound and the lady could barely fit it in there because of how uncomfortable I was, so I wasn't able to get it done. Tbh it's bothering me a little with how invasive of a procedure it is. Doesn't help when I was already anxious and have sexual trauma from childhood. It's stupid but I feel like my virginity was just taken even tho logically ik that isn't true, and at the most it went in was 2 inches. I have to schedule a follow up appointment with my obgyn, which I've alresdy done and I have a tele health appointment with my general doctor tomorrow. If I can't get the stupid ultrasound what's the point? The only way they can diagnose anything is from those results.

I'm so tired of my life being this messy. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being alone. The emptiness I feel is so excruciatingly strong rn. I'm a dissociated mess. I'm 18 and I can't see myself living another year. Everything is so hard.

And no one will ever get it. I'll always feel alone because no one has lived through what I've had to experience. I'll always be an alien. I've only felt connected to one person my entire life and guess what? I was 15 and he was 31. He completely shut me out and is dating someone now and I'm glad life got better for him but what about me? It hurts to be left out completely in the dark. If he couldn't be my friend no one can. If he couldn't stay no one will. If he couldn't love me no one will. He couldn't care so that means no one else will.

It's cruel. You meet the one person you can connect with so deeply and feel safe with and it's not even necessarily about romance, but then they disappear from your life and you're stuck back at square one. No, even worse off because now your pain magnifies from that lost. It's like giving someone who's always been homeless a home and then snatching it all away. It's unfair! I hate this earth!!!

 

[Ghost2211]

It's heartbreaking to hear how cold your dad was about the situation. Medical tests relating to female reproductive organ ailments can be horribly invasive, scary, or traumatic (Even more so if past sexual trauma exists).

Transvaginal ultrasound is common for early pregnancy ultrasounds. I've had a couple of them, and they're not super fun. I'm sorry you had to deal with that while facing medical issues. It makes me angry how shitty some parents can be at times their children need them the most.

 

[TheQ22]

I take it you live with your dad and your mother isn't there in your home?

Is your dad a lot older than your similarly aged friend's dads?

Does he drink a lot or have other issues that cause him and you stress? Like financial problems, lost a job, etc?

Take care.

 

[cowbain]

It's heartbreaking to hear how cold your dad was about the situation. Medical tests relating to female reproductive organ ailments can be horribly invasive, scary, or traumatic (Even more so if past sexual trauma exists).

Transvaginal ultrasound is common for early pregnancy ultrasounds. I've had a couple of them, and they're not super fun. I'm sorry you had to deal with that while facing medical issues. It makes me angry how shitty some parents can be at times their children need them the most.

Tbh I'm not surprised by his actions but even when you know someone's abusive it still hurts.
Thank you for the kind words.

I take it you live with your dad and your mother isn't there in your home?

Is your dad a lot older than your similarly aged friend's dads?

Does he drink a lot or have other issues that cause him and you stress? Like financial problems, lost a job, etc?

Take care.

My mom actually died last month but she was no better than my dad. Probably worst since she never wanted to have me in the first place. I don't have friends. He's a narcissist and you can't change them. That's another reason why this whole situation was so triggering. If my dad would've been a man and a partner, and took my moms health seriously she wouldn't of died. No one in my family takes anything seriously and it's so frustrating.