help

[ksera]

i need help. im in the uk. im so depressed. I cant hold on. too much has happened. I don't want to go ahead with the police. I don't want to talk to them about what happened. I have to live with it everyday. I don't want to. im done. no one can say how to keep going when youre all alone. everything that happened in is wrong. I don't know why it happened to me. why I had the childhood I did and how I came to this. I am broken beyond repair. no one can say keep going. I simply cant live with this.

 

[Hollie]

i need help. im in the uk. im so depressed. I cant hold on. too much has happened. I don't want to go ahead with the police. I don't want to talk to them about what happened. I have to live with it everyday. I don't want to. im done. no one can say how to keep going when youre all alone. everything that happened in is wrong. I don't know why it happened to me. why I had the childhood I did and how I came to this. I am broken beyond repair. no one can say keep going. I simply cant live with this.

I'm here if you'd like to talk about anything

 

[JimFord99]

Hey, what happened? If you want to talk in private pm me!

 

[ksera]

I am overwhelmed. the police want my evidence. they don't understand how hard it is. I am spiralling getting more and more sick. I cant walk into this house without a drink. I don't know how to cope. I don't want these memories

 

[Baskol1]

What evidence do they want?

 

[ksera]

they need me to do a video interview and they want consent for my medical records. if I give that my ex will be jailed. I don't want that but I don't want to pretend nothing happened

 

[Baskol1]

they need me to do a video interview and they want consent for my medical records. if I give that my ex will be jailed. I don't want that but I don't want to pretend nothing happened

Why would you want to protect your abuser? If he did something really bad, he deserves jail.

 

[ksera]

I don't know how to move forward. I feel like im different. no one will ever want to be with me if they know. I feel horrible. I have failed to protect myself. I am alone with these memories. its too much.

 

[Baskol1]

I don't know how to move forward. I feel like im different. no one will ever want to be with me if they know. I feel horrible. I have failed to protect myself. I am alone with these memories. its too much.

No, he need to be in jail if he really abused you, dont protect him, you need to say the truth.

 

[oopswronglife]

no one will ever want to be with me if they know. I feel horrible. I have failed to protect myself.

This is a common and entirely false belief victims have. You aren't damaged goods or undesirable because you are a victim. Anyone you would want to be with will not hold that against you in any way. Anyone who might claim this is a defect or failure is NOT someone you would want to be with anyway whether this happened or not, and is using your pain for their own ends. Plenty of people are still on the menu.

 

[ksera]

I feel terrible, I let him do things. I tried to stop him. it was too much. he hurt me so much. but its my fault I wanted him to care
im so pathetic. I wish I wasn't. he was my answer. I just couldn't cope with him. he would have stayed, I was just reacting to his actions. I got scared. I tried to be ok. he said I was the problem.

 

[JimFord99]

I don't know how to move forward. I feel like im different. no one will ever want to be with me if they know. I feel horrible. I have failed to protect myself. I am alone with these memories. its too much.

I feel terrible, I let him do things. I tried to stop him. it was too much. he hurt me so much. but its my fault I wanted him to care
im so pathetic. I wish I wasn't. he was my answer. I just couldn't cope with him. he would have stayed, I was just reacting to his actions. I got scared. I tried to be ok. he said I was the problem.

Hey you are not the problem. He is, what a pig.leave now.

 

[oopswronglife]

but its my fault I wanted him to care
im so pathetic. I wish I wasn't. he was my answer. I just couldn't cope with him. he would have stayed, I was just reacting to his actions. I got scared. I tried to be ok. he said I was the problem.

NOT your fault.

You are NOT pathetic.

He was NOT your answer.

You were NOT the problem.

You are doing what victims so often do. Turning it all on themselves. It's so common in abuse and people always make the same excuses and same self attacks. It's not true. It's never true. Nobody deserves abuse and assault. You did not deserve abuse and assault. Nobody who would harm you is a good person worth anything and no amount of rationalization changes that. It's the hardest thing about talking to people in such crisis...getting them to accept this...because until they do you cannot help them.

If you are just needing people to argue with you and tell you that you are wrong and not bad then we can do that...but it's ultimately not helpful. You need to BELIEVE it and take steps to change the situation. Trust is hard for anyone because people prove their trustworthiness too late...but this person has proven to you they are NOT...hopefully so far we haven't done that. So try your best to believe us when we tell you that you are not to blame or wrong. You are not the problem.

 

[ksera]

please don't be hard on me. im so tired, I feel so low. I have given it my all. I feel horrible because I knew what was happening but I still thought I could do better. Its so hard. I hate this feeling. when I was kid it was different. as an adult I feel I should have done more

 

[Jean Améry]

please don't be hard on me. im so tired, I feel so low. I have given it my all. I feel horrible because I knew what was happening but I still thought I could do better. Its so hard. I hate this feeling. when I was kid it was different. as an adult I feel I should have done more

It's clear you've been through a lot. Nobody here's blaming you, on the contrary. Try to get some sleep and talk it over when you're not so overwhelmed. Here or with people you know personally.

I wish you peace and clarity.

 

[ksera]

I feel like screaming.. Its all too much. whatever happens I need to say this.

He was awful to me from the start but I wanted him to care. he used to say he was only with me until something better came along. He attacked me really badly. It wasn't his fault, he was off his head and tried to rape me. after that he was so nice. he stopped saying horrible things. I know its wrong but I liked this time.

After that it was only occasionally. I didn't mind. compared to my upbringing this was good. he started to control things but I went a long with it. he wanted to get married just didn't want a wedding. he thought this was best because of inheritance of my property. I finally ended it. but I still communicated with him. he said jump, I still said how high.

last summer he asked to stay. I told him we were not together but if he needed to then I agreed. I didn't realise what he would do. he took full control over everything. he gave me medication, often too much. I was being drugged. I was so groggy. id wake up in the night with him on me. I couldn't scream or fight back. this went on for months. then at Christmas he convinced me to go away with him. I lost two days. but after I felt exactly what had happened, I knew then I had to get him to stop. it was horrible.

then months of trying to push him away. fights where he hurt me but then said it was my fault. in May he went too far. he did everything to humiliate me. I wasn't drugged. wide awake. he raped me and beat me. I couldn't process it. how could he do that. when he came round he wanted to touch me and I said no. I didn't think he would do that. it was like I was nothing. he broke me that day. half an hour of pure hell.

all this is stuck in my head, it kills me. I feel disgusting. I hate everything he has done and everything I feel. I don't know how I'm meant to move forward.
I just want to stop thinking about it.

 

[hadenough]

please don't be hard on me. im so tired, I feel so low. I have given it my all. I feel horrible because I knew what was happening but I still thought I could do better. Its so hard. I hate this feeling. when I was kid it was different. as an adult I feel I should have done more

You are a survivor, not a victim. It sounds like you've had a lot of bad luck in choosing a partner and all your thoughts are understandable - people who abuse are the worse of the worse, knowing how to control and abuse you without remorse, they know how to make you feel guilty to hide from their pathetic life. The police will be very sympathetic, they've seen it before and the havoc it causes to innocent lives. Even if you do not want to talk to the police you can talk to professionals/charities that specialise.

 

[ksera]

I cant. if I do they tell the police. I just want it all to go away. I just want to forget. its so hard. im really trying to push those feelings down and forget. I cant talk to the police because I still feel loyal to him. I just want him to stop

 

[oopswronglife]

Kera nobody is being hard on you. It's not "tough love" or being mean, its just love. You don't want to hear it so you feel attacked. You don't want any of this to be real or have happened. But it did happen...accepting that it happened and you cannot change that that is step one and without that nothing else can come. You keep making excuses for him because you are hanging on to the fantasy of what you wanted the relationship to be...and refuse to accept its not and cannot be that...because admitting that means you cannot go back, cannot undo the abuse, cannot make him and it into what you fantasize about. Those are all true right now, but your mind is denying it to try and protect you from the pain of that acceptance. You are thinking of him as the imaginary partner you want...not who he is. This is a thing abusers use to manipulate victims. It's like any addiction...you have to face it and admit it before anyone can help you.

 

[ksera]

I just don't want to be raped again. it kills me. I cant pretend its ok. its not. its really not ok. I don't want him to do it. I just freeze when he comes in the house. he scares me and I don't do enough to run away

 

[pole]

I just don't want to be raped again. it kills me. I cant pretend its ok. its not. its really not ok. I don't want him to do it. I just freeze when he comes in the house. he scares me and I don't do enough to run away

im sorry, but you cant have someone like him in ur life; let alone feel loyal to someone like him, or feel as if you OWE something to that piece of shit. he hurt you, period. he made you feel certain ways that no one should ever feel. HE ISNT EVEN AROUND U RIGHT NOW, AND UR STILL FEELING THE EFFECTS OF HIM.

He should be locked up period, to stop him from doing THIS TO OTHERS, not just urself.

 

[woxihuanni]

ksera, you need to contact some shelter for abuse victims, and go on from there. Really there is nothing else to do. If you feel you cannot survive this and want to ctb, you cannot even do that with him around. Please just do it, right now.

 

[JimFord99]

Ya, report it, PLEASE,

 

[hadenough]

I cant. if I do they tell the police. I just want it all to go away. I just want to forget. its so hard. im really trying to push those feelings down and forget. I cant talk to the police because I still feel loyal to him. I just want him to stop

Speaking to a professional or a charity is confidential, they are not aligned to the police and will not force you to report it if that is your wish. I have worked with people who have been abused and your reaction is quite common. They fear speaking out against the abuser who has manipulated them for so long that their voice is the only one they hear. It is difficult for them to leave their abusive partner without the support of others. It won't go away on its own and suppressing the feelings does not work. I understand you feel loyal to him but he needs help too to stop being abusive. I know this is difficult but easy for me to say, but each journey starts with one step. There may be push backs but that's part of the journey to free yourself. I do hope that things work out well for you, I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling, but I think you owe it to yourself to try before considering suicide. You are clearly a loving, sensitive soul and there are far too few people like you in the world.

 

[ksera]

thank you for your advice. its just so hard. I can imagine what he would say. I hate myself for letting it happen. especially considering my upbringing. at the moment the thought of telling the police is killing me. I feel disgusting. video evidence is like speaking about the worst time to people. I cant tell anyone the detail. I feel so bad about it, its so horrible. I just want it not to be true. I don't sleep. when I do I feel like im being tortured again. im tired. I just want it to be over

 

[ksera]

help. I messed up big time. I got very drunk. the police called me. I have no memory of what I said. I really don't. im scared I may have actually told them the details, id done so well up to know keeping it to myself. I really messed up. I didn't want to tell them anything, i'm too nervous to ring them and find out what I said. I am screwed. why did i get soo drunk and why did I answer the phone. I should have more control.
I am having a massive panic. I need advice

 

[hadenough]

What's done is done, you cannot change that. I feel you are in a prison and can't see any escape. Perhaps talking all this through with someone will help you to finally escape. The details of what happened seems to be eating you up so talking with someone may help give you a different perspective on things.

 

[ksera]

I don't have anyone I can talk to that wont tell the police. safeguarding and all that. I don't have family or friends. I wish I did

 

[hadenough]

Speaking on this forum is a start, there are people here that can help. There is also the Samaritans - I have spoken to them in the past and they are totally confidential.