Help. Tortured severely years 24/7 due to my doctor but stil not able to overcome survival instinct. (Iatrogenic damage)

[RN13]

I'm damaged by an SSRI medication. 4 years ago. Since that time i'm tortured an disabled. My body burns like i'm poured over with gasoline severe muscle pain. Severe nerve pain, akathisia, neuropathy, agitation. I barely can ever watch even TV. Maybe once a week mostly for an hour. I can't barely walk or care for myself. I don't do anything except suffer, laying here cope and reach the evening by the grace of God. While i beg in pain. I'm even worse then day one of this hell 1200 days ago.

Still i am not able to overcome SI and hang myself while i have everything prepared. How the hell is this even possible. It's crazy.

I have zero life and no future. (Loving family tho, but it's a burden too since i have so much pain and sickness that i'm always suicidal - thanks to my doctor) i had a great life before and a great social network, i guess that's the reason but it makes no sense. Since it's all gone.

It's SSRI induced brain damage, it's completely impossible to feel this much pain when it's a physical problem. Like your pain filter is gone and the pain volume button is full open in your nervous system.

I don't want to traumatize my family and my GF that gives informal care. But i traumatize myself every single second and her too with my suicidal talk, since she's trying to keep me alive every hour of the day for years. My GF says she can't live without me (and i know it's true). She's already traumatized for seeing me in this state so long let alone when i even hang myself.
but i don't live. Not even a bit. Even listening to a radio is not possible because of 15/10 pain allover. Just 1000+ days of wallstaring in the worst pain imagineable.

Please I don't need pity. I've had enough of that and i don't like to be confronted with my situation i know what a hell of a joke it is. just explanation and help.

Pls help. And/or explain
Tnx

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I was brain damaged by antipsychotics, I'm not in physical pain 24/7 like you are only sometimes I felt like my intestines are going to burst. Most of my pain is mental agony so I can relate to how boring life's become not finding interest in TV or anything nowadays and sleeping most of the day.

I didn't have any peaceful method available to me when I really wanted to die a few months ago and since I've been reading a lot about ways to kill myself I now have survival fear and uncertainty about what happens after death. This is preventing me from even imagining dying let alone making an attempt now that I have something to OD with.

 

[RN13]

I was brain damaged by antipsychotics, I'm not in physical pain 24/7 like you are only sometimes I felt like my intestines are going to burst. Most of my pain is mental agony so I can relate to how boring life's become not finding interest in TV or anything nowadays and sleeping most of the day.

I didn't have any peaceful method available to me when I really wanted to die a few months ago and since I've been reading a lot about ways to kill myself I now have survival fear and uncertainty about what happens after death. This is preventing me from even imagining dying let alone making an attempt now that I have something to OD with.

Thanks for your comment
I can relate to what you state the anxiety for death etc. But i don't have that anymore. It left over the years. I long for death now since there really are disease much worse then dead.
But still i can't bypass it.

Sorry for the negativity. But sadly this is the situation after 4 years. No idea how i managed this 4 years. I deserve a medal . But no prices for us sadly.

 

[Dark Window]

So sorry for you guys.

Can't imagine what it must feel like to see tonnes of evidence that your life has been ruined.

It's examples like this that make me 100% for assisted dying.

 

[Leiden]

What SSRI has done this to you, if you don't mine me asking
It seems like you would be a good candidate for assistance in dying, by all that you explain. Have you tried that route? The SI wouldn't be there I think that way. I know it's all so daunting with all they require and in a different country possibly. Nothing is easy, absolutely nothing and it's horrible.

 

[RN13]

What SSRI has done this to you, if you don't mine me asking
It seems like you would be a good candidate for assistance in dying, by all that you explain. Have you tried that route? The SI wouldn't be there I think that way. I know it's all so daunting with all they require and in a different country possibly. Nothing is easy, absolutely nothing and it's horrible.

Paroxetine

I did the assisted trajectory in my country since it's legal. I have it all listed in my documents that the drug did this to me. Neurologist and DNA testing that shows this drug didn't fit me.

Still they want me to see a fkn psychiatrist for validation. A psychiatrist will never admit this not even with proof. I tried my best. There is also no hard proof brain scan available that shows this kind of drug induced damage. Every person damaged by pharma struggles with this problem, it's actually the perfect crime. Murder without a smoking gun.

A psychiatrist can't live with itself if they admit that they damage people severely on a regular basis so they rather deny the harm so they can still sleep at night.

The medical system is rigged as hell.

 

[divinemistress36]

Paroxetine

I did the assisted trajectory in my country since it's legal. I have it all listed in my documents that the drug did this to me. Neurologist and DNA testing that shows this drug didn't fit me.

Still they want me to see a fkn psychiatrist for validation. A psychiatrist will never admit this not even with proof. I tried my best. There is also no hard proof brain scan available that shows this kind of drug induced damage. Every person damaged by pharma struggles with this problem, it's actually the perfect crime. Murder without a smoking gun.

A psychiatrist can't live with itself if they admit that they damage people severely on a regular basis so they rather deny the harm so they can still sleep at night.

The medical system is rigged as hell.

Im on paroxetine its so hard to get off of

 

[Leiden]

Paroxetine

I did the assisted trajectory in my country since it's legal. I have it all listed in my documents that the drug did this to me. Neurologist and DNA testing that shows this drug didn't fit me.

Still they want me to see a fkn psychiatrist for validation. A psychiatrist will never admit this not even with proof. I tried my best. There is also no hard proof brain scan available that shows this kind of drug induced damage. Every person damaged by pharma struggles with this problem, it's actually the perfect crime. Murder without a smoking gun.

A psychiatrist can't live with itself if they admit that they damage people severely on a regular basis so they rather deny the harm so they can still sleep at night.

The medical system is rigged as hell.

Thank you for sharing the medication.
The health system is so fkd up and I'm sorry they are making you resort to such a frightening way out. You don't deserve this. I can understand you in what you say as I have experienced things with Drs and they are so full of themselves and so fkd up and secretive. You can't even tell a Dr you looked something up without them being dismissive about it or thinking you're trying to over mind them or them thinking things are being made up. You can't even advocate for yourself and no you're right they won't admit anything unless there's hard proof because they are evil. Truly evil. Anything so they don't get in trouble. They have no morals. Not pity, but from my heart, I truly hope that you can find peace somehow, whether that be in life or overcoming your SI and in death.

 

[ecliptic]

I have the same problem.

 

[RN13]

I have the same problem.

You mean symptom wise?

Or you mean the SI thing.

 

[albstr1403]

I feel for you. I have the same thing going on from a med injury and it's been years. I'm going to go with SN.

 

[RN13]

I feel for you. I have the same thing going on from a med injury and it's been years. I'm going to go with SN.

I'm sorry to hear. It's a silent holocaust and the people around 98% of humanization doesn't know anything about it and they never will. It's a shame.

What med harmed you and what kind of struggle if i may ask? If u don't want to talk about it i'll respect that.

I'm too scared for SN since my CNS is so damaged i don't know how i will respond to that stuff.

 

[albstr1403]

thanks. yeah its wild its not recognized anywhere.
a gabaergic drug, then a bunch of trials of ssris caused mine.
my cns is fucked, but i figure what can it really do in the few minutes it takes to CTB?
i see it kind of poetic.. I was poisoned which got me to this state, so poison will set me free.

 

[RN13]

thanks. yeah its wild its not recognized anywhere.
a gabaergic drug, then a bunch of trials of ssris caused mine.
my cns is fucked, but i figure what can it really do in the few minutes it takes to CTB?
i see it kind of poetic.. I was poisoned which got me to this state, so poison will set me free.

Oke. Yes i understand your point of view.

But my body burns a lot of times as hell. It's seriously unbearable i can't take the risk that the burning gets worse for an hour. That would the most cruel way to go imagineable for me.

But maybe if that was not the case i would go for that way too.

 

[albstr1403]

Oke. Yes i understand your point of view.

But my body burns a lot of times as hell. It's seriously unbearable i can't take the risk that the burning gets worse for an hour. That would the most cruel way to go imagineable for me.

But maybe if that was not the case i would go for that way too.

Oh my body burns too. Meditation can help you observe it and kind of become less fearful of it.
I just can't take more years of this so I'm at the point of being willing to take the temporary pain.
Kind of like those monks who set themselves on fire lmao.

 

[ecliptic]

You mean symptom wise?

Or you mean the SI thing.

symptom wise

 

[RN13]

symptom wise

Can you tell me a bit more about your story if you don't mind? If not i respect that of course.

 

[ecliptic]

Can you tell me a bit more about your story if you don't mind? If not i respect that of course.

Most of my problems are related to the brain. I didn't know this would happen to me but I can't even move my legs sometimes that's why I believe the future will be even more worse for me if I don't do something about it.

 

[RN13]

Most of my problems are related to the brain. I didn't know this would happen to me but I can't even move my legs sometimes that's why I believe the future will be even more worse for me if I don't do something about it.

Ok thanks for explaing im sorry

 

[suffering_mo]

@RN13 It's not just psychiatric drugs, though they harmed me. My issue came after an infusion. I NEED out. I'm only 4 months in. I can't take it. Many of your same symptoms, and more. I have a family whom I love, but am losing, but this isn't sustainable or liveable...no one can understand and no one cares ....in part because of religion, you must live through anything and everything. I sent you a PM.

 

[ihatecovid777]

Oke. Yes i understand your point of view.

But my body burns a lot of times as hell. It's seriously unbearable i can't take the risk that the burning gets worse for an hour. That would the most cruel way to go imagineable for me.

But maybe if that was not the case i would go for that way too.

I have the same burning as you. All day long every day I burn. It's so cruel. The fact the human body can do this is so sick and makes me feel abandoned by God.

 

[defunkt]

Been traumatized by asshole doctors MULTIPLE times especially when I went through a lot of blood loss and the traumatic experience was one thing but one of the worst was when a few days after I started to have the most excruciating agony in my body muscles everywhere it BURNED. I'm Asian so the rules here are even more lax, you can't even sue and there's no health care, nothing of the sort. That pain in it's EXTREMENESS and it WAS ALL THE TIME and half the docs thought I was either making it up or gone crazy or some shit. This went on for days! And then finally I went to an orthopedic doctor because I've always had a tiny bit of a physical disability by birth, and I just figured what the hell I'd at least ask him. And he was the one who explained that this happens sometimes when you suffer blood loss. And gave me codeine.
Honestly this was a few days and I was gonna crazy and even more suicidal thanks before. I can't imagine you guys have been suffering for so long.
Sometimes you want to make these people suffer instead of our own selves.
You should be able to get out of this pain and misery! This is not fair at all

 

[easypeasy]

I'm damaged by an SSRI medication. 4 years ago. Since that time i'm tortured an disabled. My body burns like i'm poured over with gasoline severe muscle pain. Severe nerve pain, akathisia, neuropathy, agitation. I barely can ever watch even TV. Maybe once a week mostly for an hour. I can't barely walk or care for myself. I don't do anything except suffer, laying here cope and reach the evening by the grace of God. While i beg in pain. I'm even worse then day one of this hell 1200 days ago.

Still i am not able to overcome SI and hang myself while i have everything prepared. How the hell is this even possible. It's crazy.

I have zero life and no future. (Loving family tho, but it's a burden too since i have so much pain and sickness that i'm always suicidal - thanks to my doctor) i had a great life before and a great social network, i guess that's the reason but it makes no sense. Since it's all gone.

It's SSRI induced brain damage, it's completely impossible to feel this much pain when it's a physical problem. Like your pain filter is gone and the pain volume button is full open in your nervous system.

I don't want to traumatize my family and my GF that gives informal care. But i traumatize myself every single second and her too with my suicidal talk, since she's trying to keep me alive every hour of the day for years. My GF says she can't live without me (and i know it's true). She's already traumatized for seeing me in this state so long let alone when i even hang myself.
but i don't live. Not even a bit. Even listening to a radio is not possible because of 15/10 pain allover. Just 1000+ days of wallstaring in the worst pain imagineable.

Please I don't need pity. I've had enough of that and i don't like to be confronted with my situation i know what a hell of a joke it is. just explanation and help.

Pls help. And/or explain
Tnx

Thank you for thanking the time to write about your life. I feel the same way. Every moment is torture and has been for 3 years, but 6.5 years since it first began and I lost my ability to work. The surgeons who messed me up are guilty and irrelevant. I would do anything to end my suffering. My family know my wishes. I've done a will. I don't know how to exit safely. The mental capacity to think straight is compromised by severe and intense pain every moment.

I used to be a kickboxer, I've had accidents, broken bones, had surgeries, had my gpface busted. I was a tough and outgoing and sporty girl. This is beyond fathomable unless it happens to you. I don't think I would veven believe someone who told me this was possible and I recently encountered abuse from my sister in law who messaged me to go to hell, to leave my mum alone so she can travel th country. She told me my own dad doesn't even want to see me. She called me names I can't repeat on here. C words, called me evil. Abusing a disabled person for needing help with personal care once a week is beyond hurtful. I told my Mum and she hasn't stood up for me. I'm ready to go right now. I updated my will to ensure she and my brother are not allowed at my funeral as they have not helped in any way since this began. She told me she's a millionaire and I need to drop dead. And because mum hasn't set the record straight…. That I'm not a nuisance at all……I have nothing keeping me here but to sign the updated will.

I didn't intend to vent so much. Thank you for listening if you have. You are so strong. I wish for peace for us both .

 

[sorrynormal]

first began and I lost my ability to work. The surgeons who messed me up are guilty and irrelevant

I have a somewhat similar story. I had a totally normal life until a surgeon maimed me and now I have to lay down periodically throughout the day. This started when I was 15 years old but now (44) I prefer to be in bed 23hrs/day. I ask myself is it worth to continue living for this quality of life. Especially since I lost my ability to work and live on a fixed income. My family abandoned me so I'm on my own.

It's been made worse by the opiate hysteria in the US. I was on pain meds for 10yrs than they took them away. Starting back up is impossible.

 

[easypeasy]

I have a somewhat similar story. I had a totally normal life until a surgeon maimed me and now I have to lay down periodically throughout the day. This started when I was 15 years old but now I prefer to be in bed 23hrs/day. I ask myself is it worth to continue living for this quality of life. My family abandoned me so I'm on my own.

It's been made worse by the opiate hysteria in the US. I was on pain meds for 10yrs than they took them away. Starting back up is impossible.

Oh my gosh…your story does sound like mine. And I am aware of the opioid hysteria in the US. It is only slightly better here, but still doesn't help me enough so I could care for myself. My family aren't the people I thought they were. I can definitely relate. I feel ostracised because of my condition.