Help Help overcoming instinct

[Sleepwalkuntilsane]

I've had a really bad phobia of death ever since I was a little kid, whenever I think about my life ending, or what comes after death, I get massive panic attacks. I want to CTB but I don't know how to get over this hurdle. Drugs and alcohol aren't a guarantee because I've gotten these panic attacks when I was super stoned or drunk (or both) before. I don't want my final moments to be consumed by that panic, and I don't think I could get over the hurdle when it really counts. Any advice?

 

[imissmycatsomuch]

I'm in the same boat, I ironically have a huge phobia of pain and death. Depending on your method of choice, I've seen other people here say to practice. People with firearms have said they're practicing handling it and putting it in their mouth unloaded to get used to the action and feeling of it. People practice applying gentle pressure on their neck with the various methods of hanging. Of course some methods might be harder to practice, like SN - I *think* I've seen people on here mention practicing drinking extremely salty drinks first before.

We all have a hardwired biological switch for the brain to NOT want to kill itself, so there's no shame in having the fears and feelings you do. If you want to try using the search function for the term "overcoming SI", you'll see that a ton of people struggle with this and get frustrated by it complicating their plans.

 

[Sleepwalkuntilsane]

I'm in the same boat, I ironically have a huge phobia of pain and death. Depending on your method of choice, I've seen other people here say to practice. People with firearms have said they're practicing handling it and putting it in their mouth unloaded to get used to the action and feeling of it. People practice applying gentle pressure on their neck with the various methods of hanging. Of course some methods might be harder to practice, like SN - I *think* I've seen people on here mention practicing drinking extremely salty drinks first before.

We all have a hardwired biological switch for the brain to NOT want to kill itself, so there's no shame in having the fears and feelings you do. If you want to try using the search function for the term "overcoming SI", you'll see that a ton of people struggle with this and get frustrated by it complicating their plans.

Thanks for the advice. I get really bad tremors in my hands when I'm panicking, and since my method of choice is firearm I really don't want that to happen at a bad time. Is there any drugs or something that have a calming effect?

 

[imissmycatsomuch]

Thanks for the advice. I get really bad tremors in my hands when I'm panicking, and since my method of choice is firearm I really don't want that to happen at a bad time. Is there any drugs or something that have a calming effect?

I'm so sorry, that's such a rough symptom to have for the method you've chosen. It's really not fair that you have to carry the additional mental burden and fear of it.

You're not wrong to be concerned about hand tremors, the whole appeal of firearms is the certainty of them. I think a part of overcoming your SI should definitely be to handle the gun unloaded as much as possible to desensitize yourself to it. Try to be mindful of the weight of it in your hands, the texture of it, the places your fingers comfortably rest as you flip it around. You can practice putting the barrel to different places of your body and work up to practicing, eventually, sessions where you can get used to putting it in your mouth. Just be absolutely sure it's unloaded - it feels ironic to tell a suicidal person to practice gun safety lol, but you want to be in complete control of your ending and go out on your own terms when ready.

As for the drugs and alcohol, I know you said you're still able to panic under them. I do think that any of these things would still be better than none though. Maybe they won't *prevent* panic attacks, but they could help keep you comfortable and make any understandale anxiety and nervousness a little harder to escalate into one. I have panic disorder myself, and I was prescribed oxazepam. Apparently, according to people who recreationally use benzos, this is the weakest one which is why it's the most commonly prescribed in europe where I live, but just 1 pill still stops my panic attacks when I have them. If you have access to a firearm, is it bold of me to assume you're in america? If so, it might be relatively easy for you to get a prescription of something even better if you tell your doctor about your panic attacks (this is all assuming that you don't already have something for them). Some oldschool antidepressants like amitriptyline are recommended in the PPH for an extreme sedative effect alongside oxazepam. Do you have access to anything like these?

Of course, a shit ton of booze always steels the nerves too lol. You mentioned that you can still panic when you're drunk, but I still think it could help you be at least a little more comfortable, especially if combined with a prescription like the above.

 

[BooksIsAloneK]

Anger. Not sadness, but anger. Anger is a powerful motivator. You likely won't have long so you will have to act quickly. More like an impulse.

 

[korchoi]

I don't want to encourage suicide, but having failed multiple times during CTB attempts due to panic attacks, I intend to choose a death that is as quick as possible—one that minimizes the time spent experiencing panic.

 

[cowlover1252]

I've had a really bad phobia of death ever since I was a little kid, whenever I think about my life ending, or what comes after death, I get massive panic attacks. I want to CTB but I don't know how to get over this hurdle. Drugs and alcohol aren't a guarantee because I've gotten these panic attacks when I was super stoned or drunk (or both) before. I don't want my final moments to be consumed by that panic, and I don't think I could get over the hurdle when it really counts. Any advice?

Have you tried xanax?