help me be more tolerable to/of others?

[Life_and_Death]

i want to make friends. ive tried and tried and tried. ive tried being honest, ive tried lying and faking it like people do. i cant do it. when i talk to people i cant respond to the most basic of questions. my brain just goes blank, ive got nothing. complete panic, ill sit here for..... several minutes? half an hour? until i give up. ive got nothing.

the way other people "can be" doesnt help. a lot of the times when i try the whole reaching out thing people advise i get "help" that doesnt help. in most cases feels like they didnt even listen to the problem im having. i dont understand how everyone else gets help, responses and its fine so im like "ok ill try" and it just crashes. why do i bother? so ive stopped reaching out. this group im in is all "reach out!!!" and i just cant. i dont even know what to say.
(thats just one thing, theres others like how it seems being honest is wrong and lying is also wrong. for some reason im 'hated' no matter what i say or do)

not to mention im misanthropic due to all the abuse and bullshit + things. i dont want to be. this wasnt always me. deep down this isnt me.. im kind and caring, but im just so f'en done with people...

oh and my bpd/obsessive thoughts "i took too long to respond, its too late" "god im so stupid, i shouldnt have said/done that" everything i do is wrong and i should just shut up.

im honestly debating on even deleting this... i want to cry....whats the point.? it never works out.... i want it to.. but im continuously proven right, i shouldnt have bothered, which just pushes me farther down and away. deeper into this bs..

idk what to do anymore...

oh and social anxiety/agoraphobia. i black out dissociate all the time. i "love" when i dissociate just because i looked in the mirror.

i dont think im missing much/anything for things that can go wrong/cause problems


thats all i can say i guess... everything is wrong and im at a loss.....

 

[breezeboy]

My heart aches for you and what you're going through.

I know what you said about reaching out but if you'd like someone to just sit on the phone with you not saying much or an occasional friend to text I'd like to be there for you. No judgements or hatred here.
It's okay if you don't feel like reaching out or talking everyday. I'm here whenever