Help Help! I was completely destroyed inside

[Hahem]

I am worried for my life, for my future. I am anxious.
I can't get out of bed, I don't want to do anything, everything hurts so much. I feel weak. I feel like I am wasting so much potential but I can't help myself.
I suffered so much, I was alone for my whole life, I always felt left out, I was always sitting alone, that's was it for my whole life.
Now I'm an adult and I just can't function properly, the meds haven't done much. Life has lost it sweetness to me, it just feels sour now, to live. I lost all my vitality, my energy, I can't concentrate or put myself to do things. I just can't function like this.
I am already burnt out from life and I don't think recovery is possible honestly, I've been trying for so long and got so much farther than anyone would expect (good uni, good grades), but it's still not enough. The scars remain, I am still socially weird and vulnerable. I was still abused all my childhood by family. I carry so much regret, so much anger. I just want to be normal, please, to have a normal life, normal friends, normal health, normal partners, normal family, normal socials. But change is slow and painful.
To be honest, I don't think I'm getting out of this one. I've been cornered by all sides and I think there's only way out. It would be a disappointment for sure, a waste of potential for sure, but if it has to be it then so be it. I can't stand suffering anymore.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Wish I could help. All I can do is relate. And I relate very much to what you say.

I myself only function with Kratom. By function I mean sit and read SaSu, reluctantly get food, and go to the gym once every day or two.

It's the only way I'd be able to even have the energy to CTB. But it makes me optimistic. So I'm in constant up and down. I get a bit of a boost thinking about CTB. Then feeling awful. If I take no drugs at all it's just 100% suffering no up moments, though the horrible moments are less intense.

I wish someone would just appear and euthanize me. Eventually I'll run out of resources to be able to rot all day so I'll be homeless.

The only thing I can say to comfort you is there either is no "normal" life, friends, health, partners, family, and socials as you speak, or they won't last long. Maybe for some. Life will be changing dramatically with technology. It'd be nice to go on that ride with close friends but those of us who are alone will be suffering immensely. I'm sorry.