Hi All,
This is my first post on here, so please let me know if I have accidentally breached rules/put too much info.
Tried to keep this short, and appreciate you reading it.
First of all, my intention to CTB is 100% real and has been for many years. I read the PPH already and some of this forum. I am serious.
Main need is to make sure it is successful - don't want to botch it.
I am extremely anxious that I may either botch it, be found, or get in trouble. Pls see below for my Qs. I would greatly appreciate any advice/answers.
By the way, if it would be better to post on sep. threads, please let me know.
Part of the problem is I want to CTB ASAP/quickly and not botch. I am a traumatised vulnerable woman with years of serious anxiety/panic/sleep disorder who is chronically sick, suspect autism, on medication, who may find self on street, raped, or mad, if no help is given soon. I have no family or parents who can help, and am getting more sick. It is a serious situation. I have not been sleeping trying to find way to CTB quickly and reliably but don't know how. I have a history of homelessness, and currently have huge challenges at home and work. I recently had some awful things happen. I don't know how on earth I am ever going to work again but I have no support/choice. I have friends and relatives but they do not understand the seriousness of this and there is no-one I can stay with. I am barely keeping it together to write this.
I desperately need to CTB before I lose my home and more of my sanity. I don't want to give details but due to past medication issues and my chronic illness, I have been left with a completely fried brain, and until recently was doing some crazy things and extremely vulnerable.
My ideas for CTB:
Amitriptyline OD (as per PPH)
- Not my preferred way but I happen to have the ingredients/will have soon, in the next month (not exact ones but similar - TCA + Benzo + AE)
- Concern w/being discovered, as it takes ages
- Not much info is online about this. Does anyone have experience of success?
What I want:
- A suicide kit/package. I read online that some people can supply them.
- Or cyanide - I can't find it anywhere. This would be ideal for me (storage in case things go wrong/can't take immediately, fast, etc)
- It doesn't matter if the death is a bit painful. The most important thing is that it is quick and successful. I would endure that, rather than be homeless/raped/abused.
- I often think of jumping, but worry I will survive
- I even looked at selenium in PPH.
- I am desperate.
- I have some little money (small savings)
- I want to stay on forum long enough to get permissions to send DMs/search function
- Time is short, I may have to relocate soon (not great for post) or be forced into employment. I probably have 1-2 months MAX to sort out a plan. After that, there may not be time/stability ever again, I don't know if I can work due to health (and must), and I'm terrified of getting into debt (has happened before - took years to pay off)
SN
- No clue where on earth to find it. Would seriously consider it otherwise. Can anyone tell me?
- If I did buy it, I'm worried that the police can come to my house and seize it - so have to take it straight away - stressful. Plus could get record?
- Worried about puking it up.
N
- Apart from cost, it takes time and isn't guaranteed to arrive in full
- Police can come to my house and seize - so have to take it straight away - stressful.
- I can get criminal record for this that means I don't get to take it AND the rest of my life is ruined
Looked at exit bag too - but can go wrong if bag tips over (etc).
The fear of the failure of the above plans has made me feel even more terrified. I just keep thinking of diff plans and then what can go wrong. I already have an extremely horrible and unlucky life. I do not want to cause more problems, I just want to CTB before things continue to get worse. Due to chronic illness, I have hardly any energy to escape my situation by other means.
Please send help. The more reliable and fast, the better. I'd also really appreciate knowing which of my ideas are realistic and which are paranoid.
Thank you. Please DM if needed. I am based in a major city in a first-world, English speaking country, but I don't know the safety of revealing more.
I also wanted to add that I want to do it as kindly as possible to myself. So, I would prefer a peaceful method if possible. If not, then just a reliable one. Thank you.
This is my first post on here, so please let me know if I have accidentally breached rules/put too much info.
Tried to keep this short, and appreciate you reading it.
First of all, my intention to CTB is 100% real and has been for many years. I read the PPH already and some of this forum. I am serious.
Main need is to make sure it is successful - don't want to botch it.
I am extremely anxious that I may either botch it, be found, or get in trouble. Pls see below for my Qs. I would greatly appreciate any advice/answers.
By the way, if it would be better to post on sep. threads, please let me know.
Part of the problem is I want to CTB ASAP/quickly and not botch. I am a traumatised vulnerable woman with years of serious anxiety/panic/sleep disorder who is chronically sick, suspect autism, on medication, who may find self on street, raped, or mad, if no help is given soon. I have no family or parents who can help, and am getting more sick. It is a serious situation. I have not been sleeping trying to find way to CTB quickly and reliably but don't know how. I have a history of homelessness, and currently have huge challenges at home and work. I recently had some awful things happen. I don't know how on earth I am ever going to work again but I have no support/choice. I have friends and relatives but they do not understand the seriousness of this and there is no-one I can stay with. I am barely keeping it together to write this.
I desperately need to CTB before I lose my home and more of my sanity. I don't want to give details but due to past medication issues and my chronic illness, I have been left with a completely fried brain, and until recently was doing some crazy things and extremely vulnerable.
My ideas for CTB:
Amitriptyline OD (as per PPH)
- Not my preferred way but I happen to have the ingredients/will have soon, in the next month (not exact ones but similar - TCA + Benzo + AE)
- Concern w/being discovered, as it takes ages
- Not much info is online about this. Does anyone have experience of success?
What I want:
- A suicide kit/package. I read online that some people can supply them.
- Or cyanide - I can't find it anywhere. This would be ideal for me (storage in case things go wrong/can't take immediately, fast, etc)
- It doesn't matter if the death is a bit painful. The most important thing is that it is quick and successful. I would endure that, rather than be homeless/raped/abused.
- I often think of jumping, but worry I will survive
- I even looked at selenium in PPH.
- I am desperate.
- I have some little money (small savings)
- I want to stay on forum long enough to get permissions to send DMs/search function
- Time is short, I may have to relocate soon (not great for post) or be forced into employment. I probably have 1-2 months MAX to sort out a plan. After that, there may not be time/stability ever again, I don't know if I can work due to health (and must), and I'm terrified of getting into debt (has happened before - took years to pay off)
SN
- No clue where on earth to find it. Would seriously consider it otherwise. Can anyone tell me?
- If I did buy it, I'm worried that the police can come to my house and seize it - so have to take it straight away - stressful. Plus could get record?
- Worried about puking it up.
N
- Apart from cost, it takes time and isn't guaranteed to arrive in full
- Police can come to my house and seize - so have to take it straight away - stressful.
- I can get criminal record for this that means I don't get to take it AND the rest of my life is ruined
Looked at exit bag too - but can go wrong if bag tips over (etc).
The fear of the failure of the above plans has made me feel even more terrified. I just keep thinking of diff plans and then what can go wrong. I already have an extremely horrible and unlucky life. I do not want to cause more problems, I just want to CTB before things continue to get worse. Due to chronic illness, I have hardly any energy to escape my situation by other means.
Please send help. The more reliable and fast, the better. I'd also really appreciate knowing which of my ideas are realistic and which are paranoid.
Thank you. Please DM if needed. I am based in a major city in a first-world, English speaking country, but I don't know the safety of revealing more.
I also wanted to add that I want to do it as kindly as possible to myself. So, I would prefer a peaceful method if possible. If not, then just a reliable one. Thank you.
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