ceus
<3
- Nov 17, 2022
- 30
Hello my fellow entities; I just wanted to introduce myself, I'm Ceus.
First of all please excuse my sometimes faulty English since I'm not a native speaker.
If I repost or am unaware of a forum functionality I'm sorry, definitely not intended.
As for the forum code of conduct suggestion I will try not to share too much personal information.
Yet I won't be able to avoid it completely, given that I want to come into contact with real people.
So I have to be one :P
My goals for my time on this forum are to speak and discuss with people about philosophy, experience and where possible take part in the exchange of knowledge that's happening.
Furthermore I intend to use this as an unfrequent medium of documentation of my state, progress and contemplations.
Foremost for myself but if someone can gain insight's from my words even better.
For my self because I want to have a critical external perspective, pointing out holes in my argumentation, giving me new input or calling out BS if I produce it.
If I misbehave, shitpost or conduct myself in an unconstructive manner feel free to point it out (also as a non mod). I'm not easily angered and receive critique very well under most circumstances.
I will try to look at the forum at least once a day, though exceptions will be made. Feel free to contact me for whatever reason and I will try to answer asap.
About my past self and my journey:
I've been troubled since I was a child. Mysterious urges to bang my head against sharp corners as a 9month old, choleric outbursts, due to my presumable unability to cope with reality; existential, social and epistemologic.
I was intelectually capable yet unable to deal with structural hirarchies and established processes.
My interests were spread broadly but at the same entangled within my intrinsic motivations.
I rejected supposed facts about reality often and did know in what situations it would've been better to concede defeat as so not to get in trouble.
A problem which would still haunt me into my late teens.
With 8 years I discovered videogames and the wonderful immersion they provided, shielding me against the, so often bleak and overwhelming, life I led outside them.
I became engulfed in mystical world's as in the Planescape Universe, Guild Wars, Morrowind and many others.
Soon my passion grew into addiction and I spent every free minute I could in front of a monitor.
My parents were powerless in the face of my inventiveness. Going so far that I installed a keylogger on my Dad's computer to find out the router password.
In retrospect, even though many paths of growth went by me unappreciated, those days are still amongst my most joyful memories.
In parallel to my escapism grew my frustration. About society and my unability to find my place in it.
About the sheer ignorance of humankind for their fellow beings aswell as their phlegmatism in regards of the pursuit of truth.
I could not understand why all my questions about the meaning of life where ignored by teachers and parents.
How they could state facts despite not knowing how to arrive at concrete and undisputable knowledge.
All those questions roamed around my head.
Coping with the fact that I had to face those gnawing uncertainties all by myself was the most traumatizing experience I've ever had.
I became depressed and lethargic and sank deeper and deeper into my addictions. My primary vice was joined by a constant and excessive weed consumption.
I finished school barely and continued to pursue a career in chemistry, hoping to one day assist in fighting climate change.
I droped out after one year, yet I had learned how to intelectually engage with topics in a way I hadn't known before.
I worked for a while amongst other things as a Sex-worker(which has deepend my understanding of humans but also brought some pretty traumatizing expieriences with it), Cinematechnician, Gardener, field-hand and in a tree nursery.
During my time working at a theater I met the love of my life. I was entranced by her since the first second.
She was minoring in political-sciences and philosophy and the most beautiful being I've ever layed eyes upon.
We became best friends even though our meetings were infrequent, with sometimes weeks between them. But somehow it had to be that way; we both felt it. Chronology and intervals of intellectual convergence were mere constructs to us.
I introduced her to my personal findings of epistemology which in turn pointed to nihilism and extreme scepticism as their necessary consequence.
Almost a year went by until I confessed my true feelings. To which she reacted with cautious reluctance followed my loving embracement.
Alas our partenership was unsteady and fleeting due to her moving away and being a freedom loving soul, endulging in whatever captured her interest in the moment...
Don't get me wrong I do not resent her for it. It's just her nature...
Still she was dipping in and out of my life often leaving me to fend for myself.
Sure I had good friends (of which I've talked about so little due to their minimal influence to the state of my mind) but even though they are all beautiful and loving beings I was never able to establish a connection on such a existential level as I did with her.
In the end I had to end our relationship since this constant coming and going tore me apart. Since then we have had sporadic exchanges but of course it's not the same.
During all this, from my childhood, to my teens in which I worked and educated myself, I've come to peace with the world.
Sure my understanding of human nature and it's ensuing actions were still puzzling me.
And sure I hadn't come to any definite conclusions about reality or consciousness.
Yet I felt I had a grasp on it. It feels elusive but still firm.
I'm sure I will discuss my understanding of existence and its inferences in a future post but for now I'll leave it at that.
The now:
During all this time I've struggled with depression, anxiety and, temporarily, even psychosis. I've worked with a good number of therapists and they provided me with terrific advice in many situations. Yet as many of you will know their capabilities are limited in some situations.
I'm still in contact with a few of my old friends, though the engagement is fading.
I call myself lucky to still have both parents and three wonderful siblings who provide me with support in my times of need.
I'm working as an IT specialist (backend, monitoring and system administration for those who wonder :P).
I play classical guitar and dabble around with some other instruments.
I'm obsessed with knowledgemanagement, workflowoptimization, musictheory and philosophy, a bit of neurobiology and psychology and last but not least botany (yet I'm not an expert in any of them).
My room is an assortment of Instruments, Books, sheetmusic, cobwebs (which I maticulously avoid while cleaning to keep the spiders as company), recording equipment and plants.
I love jogging and sleeping outdoors.
My mornings consist of cold showers and green smoothies which still despise even after years :D
I sometimes care for the neighbors cat and talk to the old people in the forest where I go for walks.
Seems all pretty alright if you ask me (except for my heavy workload aprox. 50-60h a week plus commute).
YET I am tired. Of this all. Not in a condescending or unappreciative way. Just in being... well... tired.
I feel like I've lived life to its fullest.
Somehow I just feel like I'm done. And it has been like this for years. And despite my efforts it doesn't seem to go away.
Life can be generous. But also hard and unforgiving. And even with all the excitement I feel about most of the stuff I do, it's still a chore.
I think I'm just done. I've had my share. Fight through it for what... ?
I don't know anymore.
Sooo... I've started organizing everything. Bringing my documents and finances in order. Writing letters to everyone who's been important to me. Consolidating my insights.
I've decided to give myself some more time for contemplation so as to not act in the heat of the moment.
Approximately one year from now I will leave via N2, if I don't decide differently.
Till then I want to share my thoughts, emotions and state of being with you lovely people. Maybe get to know a few of you. Listen to your struggles and grievances. Your high's and low's. Discuss positions, opinions and insights.
Feel free to contact me with questions or anything else.
If you, beautiful soul, have read so far let me express my deepest thanks. For listening to a stranger and getting to know their most inner core.
<3 Ceus
First of all please excuse my sometimes faulty English since I'm not a native speaker.
If I repost or am unaware of a forum functionality I'm sorry, definitely not intended.
As for the forum code of conduct suggestion I will try not to share too much personal information.
Yet I won't be able to avoid it completely, given that I want to come into contact with real people.
So I have to be one :P
My goals for my time on this forum are to speak and discuss with people about philosophy, experience and where possible take part in the exchange of knowledge that's happening.
Furthermore I intend to use this as an unfrequent medium of documentation of my state, progress and contemplations.
Foremost for myself but if someone can gain insight's from my words even better.
For my self because I want to have a critical external perspective, pointing out holes in my argumentation, giving me new input or calling out BS if I produce it.
If I misbehave, shitpost or conduct myself in an unconstructive manner feel free to point it out (also as a non mod). I'm not easily angered and receive critique very well under most circumstances.
I will try to look at the forum at least once a day, though exceptions will be made. Feel free to contact me for whatever reason and I will try to answer asap.
About my past self and my journey:
I've been troubled since I was a child. Mysterious urges to bang my head against sharp corners as a 9month old, choleric outbursts, due to my presumable unability to cope with reality; existential, social and epistemologic.
I was intelectually capable yet unable to deal with structural hirarchies and established processes.
My interests were spread broadly but at the same entangled within my intrinsic motivations.
I rejected supposed facts about reality often and did know in what situations it would've been better to concede defeat as so not to get in trouble.
A problem which would still haunt me into my late teens.
With 8 years I discovered videogames and the wonderful immersion they provided, shielding me against the, so often bleak and overwhelming, life I led outside them.
I became engulfed in mystical world's as in the Planescape Universe, Guild Wars, Morrowind and many others.
Soon my passion grew into addiction and I spent every free minute I could in front of a monitor.
My parents were powerless in the face of my inventiveness. Going so far that I installed a keylogger on my Dad's computer to find out the router password.
In retrospect, even though many paths of growth went by me unappreciated, those days are still amongst my most joyful memories.
In parallel to my escapism grew my frustration. About society and my unability to find my place in it.
About the sheer ignorance of humankind for their fellow beings aswell as their phlegmatism in regards of the pursuit of truth.
I could not understand why all my questions about the meaning of life where ignored by teachers and parents.
How they could state facts despite not knowing how to arrive at concrete and undisputable knowledge.
All those questions roamed around my head.
Coping with the fact that I had to face those gnawing uncertainties all by myself was the most traumatizing experience I've ever had.
I became depressed and lethargic and sank deeper and deeper into my addictions. My primary vice was joined by a constant and excessive weed consumption.
I finished school barely and continued to pursue a career in chemistry, hoping to one day assist in fighting climate change.
I droped out after one year, yet I had learned how to intelectually engage with topics in a way I hadn't known before.
I worked for a while amongst other things as a Sex-worker(which has deepend my understanding of humans but also brought some pretty traumatizing expieriences with it), Cinematechnician, Gardener, field-hand and in a tree nursery.
During my time working at a theater I met the love of my life. I was entranced by her since the first second.
She was minoring in political-sciences and philosophy and the most beautiful being I've ever layed eyes upon.
We became best friends even though our meetings were infrequent, with sometimes weeks between them. But somehow it had to be that way; we both felt it. Chronology and intervals of intellectual convergence were mere constructs to us.
I introduced her to my personal findings of epistemology which in turn pointed to nihilism and extreme scepticism as their necessary consequence.
Almost a year went by until I confessed my true feelings. To which she reacted with cautious reluctance followed my loving embracement.
Alas our partenership was unsteady and fleeting due to her moving away and being a freedom loving soul, endulging in whatever captured her interest in the moment...
Don't get me wrong I do not resent her for it. It's just her nature...
Still she was dipping in and out of my life often leaving me to fend for myself.
Sure I had good friends (of which I've talked about so little due to their minimal influence to the state of my mind) but even though they are all beautiful and loving beings I was never able to establish a connection on such a existential level as I did with her.
In the end I had to end our relationship since this constant coming and going tore me apart. Since then we have had sporadic exchanges but of course it's not the same.
During all this, from my childhood, to my teens in which I worked and educated myself, I've come to peace with the world.
Sure my understanding of human nature and it's ensuing actions were still puzzling me.
And sure I hadn't come to any definite conclusions about reality or consciousness.
Yet I felt I had a grasp on it. It feels elusive but still firm.
I'm sure I will discuss my understanding of existence and its inferences in a future post but for now I'll leave it at that.
The now:
During all this time I've struggled with depression, anxiety and, temporarily, even psychosis. I've worked with a good number of therapists and they provided me with terrific advice in many situations. Yet as many of you will know their capabilities are limited in some situations.
I'm still in contact with a few of my old friends, though the engagement is fading.
I call myself lucky to still have both parents and three wonderful siblings who provide me with support in my times of need.
I'm working as an IT specialist (backend, monitoring and system administration for those who wonder :P).
I play classical guitar and dabble around with some other instruments.
I'm obsessed with knowledgemanagement, workflowoptimization, musictheory and philosophy, a bit of neurobiology and psychology and last but not least botany (yet I'm not an expert in any of them).
My room is an assortment of Instruments, Books, sheetmusic, cobwebs (which I maticulously avoid while cleaning to keep the spiders as company), recording equipment and plants.
I love jogging and sleeping outdoors.
My mornings consist of cold showers and green smoothies which still despise even after years :D
I sometimes care for the neighbors cat and talk to the old people in the forest where I go for walks.
Seems all pretty alright if you ask me (except for my heavy workload aprox. 50-60h a week plus commute).
YET I am tired. Of this all. Not in a condescending or unappreciative way. Just in being... well... tired.
I feel like I've lived life to its fullest.
Somehow I just feel like I'm done. And it has been like this for years. And despite my efforts it doesn't seem to go away.
Life can be generous. But also hard and unforgiving. And even with all the excitement I feel about most of the stuff I do, it's still a chore.
I think I'm just done. I've had my share. Fight through it for what... ?
I don't know anymore.
Sooo... I've started organizing everything. Bringing my documents and finances in order. Writing letters to everyone who's been important to me. Consolidating my insights.
I've decided to give myself some more time for contemplation so as to not act in the heat of the moment.
Approximately one year from now I will leave via N2, if I don't decide differently.
Till then I want to share my thoughts, emotions and state of being with you lovely people. Maybe get to know a few of you. Listen to your struggles and grievances. Your high's and low's. Discuss positions, opinions and insights.
Feel free to contact me with questions or anything else.
If you, beautiful soul, have read so far let me express my deepest thanks. For listening to a stranger and getting to know their most inner core.
<3 Ceus
