Venting Hello, still alive.

[illvoid]

Hi. So a little over a month back, I attempted to ctb via drinking a lot and drowning. Obviously did not work, as I am still here. I knew it wouldn't, but I was desperate after my last hospitalization. When I was taken to the hospital, I was diagnosed with PTSD and acute schizophrenia. I was placed in another psychiatric facility. My medication makes me feel like a completely different person, and does not help. I feel like I will never find peace. I don't understand why people see dying as such an awful thing. I don't want to die because I'm depressed. I'm not depressed and I haven't been for a long time. I want to die because living is a constant struggle for me. I have very few life skills and struggle to take care of myself. I will likely never live on my own or maintain a job. My life is not fulfilling and I don't believe that it ever will be. If the people in my life would simply make peace with death, I wouldn't have this struggle. I know that's next to impossible, but I really wish it wasn't.

 

[TimetoGo!]

Hi. So a little over a month back, I attempted to ctb via drinking a lot and drowning. Obviously did not work, as I am still here. I knew it wouldn't, but I was desperate after my last hospitalization. When I was taken to the hospital, I was diagnosed with PTSD and acute schizophrenia. I was placed in another psychiatric facility. My medication makes me feel like a completely different person, and does not help. I feel like I will never find peace. I don't understand why people see dying as such an awful thing. I don't want to die because I'm depressed. I'm not depressed and I haven't been for a long time. I want to die because living is a constant struggle for me. I have very few life skills and struggle to take care of myself. I will likely never live on my own or maintain a job. My life is not fulfilling and I don't believe that it ever will be. If the people in my life would simply make peace with death, I wouldn't have this struggle. I know that's next to impossible, but I really wish it wasn't.

Can I ask why the drowning didnt work? how did you go about it?

did you use any weight?

 

[Silent.Tears]

Thank you for sharing. It really sucks when even the medications don't help you at all, and it can get really frustrating to convey the same to people. I'm sorry for your situation

I feel like I will never find peace... I want to die because living is a constant struggle for me. I have very few life skills and struggle to take care of myself. I will likely never live on my own or maintain a job. My life is not fulfilling and I don't believe that it ever will be.

This part, Ditto.... My life skills are nonexistent. If I somehow managed to take care of myself, it'll be a breaking news and make front page headlines in newspapers next day. My life sucks, breathing hurts, I don't even what I'm doing anymore. My heart is racing thousand miles every second, & every single person in my life just keeps adding to my anxiety.

 

[Ineedtodie]

Ptsd and schizophrenia are a cruel combination. I know the struggle. Yet I don't know any answers. Wish you peace in this cruel world. Thinking about it. Its funny how I only been hospitalized for a week in a private clinic. I can only either grieve or laugh at this fact, knowing how debilitating my condition is. Now people praying for me to be hospitalized and get rid of, when my family watching saying they are helpless and don't understand. People are so keen to judge yet clueless to help. Keen to count every penny, every material lacking. But when they see suffering and a person so debilitated and triggered. God knows what make them so resentful and confused. Wait it easy to see me as an oddity and the problem but hard to get mental illness bc its taboo and unvalidated and seen as a curse or bullshit like that or not an exact science. So watching and blaming and persecution and harrassement sound more reasonable civil nd moral thing to do. Lets watch this oddity go zven more berserk and confine him right then in a mental facility, lets isolate this parasyte as there is no cure to such presence. Let him feel so helpless and stuck and throw mental illness argument at him. So we know what to expect. We are helpless minorities in a wierd violent society. Whatever. I feel they are pushing me to my limits so I break. I think I' m broken now so why am i still alive!..sorry for the ranting. Its just a projection of this tormented mind. I lost my free will.my every action is questionable.
Yes I' m still alive.

 

[FuneralCry]

The reality is that to die could never be an awful thing, no matter what. It would be irrational to see dying as being a negative thing, as after all to die solves all problems as it removes the true cause of all of them in the first place and of course there are no disadvantages to being dead, unlike staying in this cruel, horrific world where we can potentially end up being tortured to such extreme extents.

Your feelings of wishing to be gone are understandable as I see no value in having to endlessly struggle and it must be so tiring being trapped in that situation. At least to me there could never be such a thing as peace in this life, it would simply be impossible. Peace could only ever exist in the absence of everything which could only ever be found by leaving this world. But anyway, best wishes. It must had been awful going through that failed attempt, I certainly hate the fact how it's this difficult to free ourselves from this world.