Story Hello SS Community, I'm new here!

[somniummalum]

First of all, sorry for my flawed english, it's not my native language!

I've been quietly reading here on this site since about a week now, I feel so reliefed reading opinions on death / suicide similar to mine, for the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm crazy for having this kinds of thoughts. I feel so moved by your tragic stories, you are all so brave.

Unfortunatly my life of 21 years has been pretty rough (pretty mild in comparison to some of your stories though..). I've been born into a broken family, father alcoholic, mother mentally ill, all three of my brothers heavy drug addicts - one of them was schizophrenic (which was indused by the drugs). I got physically and mentally abused on a daily basis my whole childhood long (ages ~4 to ~11).
Physical abuse stopped once my schizo brother got locked up, still my mother and stepfather (if I can even call him that) continued to mentally abuse me, blaming me for all their problems, making me feel like a mistake, like I don't belong, sometimes beat me, contant screaming, fighting .......

When things setteled down a bit (~18), I tried really hard to strive for a good life, doing education, going to university, doing a lot of therapy and becoming independend from my family, in which I succeeded... though all of this didn't make me happy or fulfilled at all, my mind was still plagued by heavy depression, PTSD, etc. and the deep urge to end my life never went away.

I've had girlfriends that cared for me and friends, but I managed to all push them away, since my madness would otherwise destroy them, which I don't intend to do. I am just too broken for having a "normal" (sorry for using this term, I hate it) life. When I try to talk to these people about suicide they just say I should really get professional help... and THEN WHAT? I spend few month in the mental ward, I get another antidepressant and some other pharma trash to numb me even more?

I always knew, since I was a child, that I don't want this to live in this prison called "life"... this place is just cruel and fake, people generally are (at least in my personal experience) self-centered, idiotic and blind... living in a bubble...

I am just so sick of it.

There were two tries to CTB, once I wanted to jump from a rooftop when I was 13, ended up calling a friend and he picked me up. The other time I had a drug OD, which I just somehow survived, without medical assitence or hospital (nobody found me), I just woke up after few hours.
Mum tries to guilt trip me, saying how much I would hurt her and the family, she would not be able to take it, which is hilarious since she treat me like shit most of my life :D
Any on tips how to handle other people making you feel guilty?

I have ordered SN now, since I already have all the stuff I need for this method... when the time feels right, I will go do it, in peace and harmony. I plan to CTB in either in July or August.

Thanks everybody that read all this! Im happy to read some comments...

 

[Lostandfound7]

Welcome honey♡

So sorry to hear about the circumstances that have brought u here..Hopefully, we can provide u with some love, support, and comfort, that was not received in ur home..

We r here for u♡♡♡

Edit: Your English is perfect:)

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Can't say I'm glad your here but welcome!

 

[nerve]

Welcome to SS, sorry you're here

Please don't worry too much about your English!! Yours is fine & there are people from all over the world here at all different levels of English fluency. Personally, I like hearing about other peoples' experiences with mental health/suicide and totally don't mind some flawed English if it means I get to hear a new perspective.

A lot of people here have a similar story to yours My childhood was pretty miserable too, but far from the worst. I have these moments of, "Wait, it wasn't really that bad, what am I even crying about?" sometimes. It doesn't really matter though. Everyone's on their own journey. Thinking about that has helped me with the guilt. This path is our own, not theirs.

Hoping you can find some peace & light today

 

[somniummalum]

Everyone's on their own journey. Thinking about that has helped me with the guilt. This path is our own, not theirs.

Hoping you can find some peace & light today

Thanks a lot, thinking it is my path, not theirs is a pretty powerful thought!

 

[suffering]

First of all, sorry for my flawed english, it's not my native language!

I've been quietly reading here on this site since about a week now, I feel so reliefed reading opinions on death / suicide similar to mine, for the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm crazy for having this kinds of thoughts. I feel so moved by your tragic stories, you are all so brave.

Unfortunatly my life of 21 years has been pretty rough (pretty mild in comparison to some of your stories though..). I've been born into a broken family, father alcoholic, mother mentally ill, all three of my brothers heavy drug addicts - one of them was schizophrenic (which was indused by the drugs). I got physically and mentally abused on a daily basis my whole childhood long (ages ~4 to ~11).
Physical abuse stopped once my schizo brother got locked up, still my mother and stepfather (if I can even call him that) continued to mentally abuse me, blaming me for all their problems, making me feel like a mistake, like I don't belong, sometimes beat me, contant screaming, fighting .......

When things setteled down a bit (~18), I tried really hard to strive for a good life, doing education, going to university, doing a lot of therapy and becoming independend from my family, in which I succeeded... though all of this didn't make me happy or fulfilled at all, my mind was still plagued by heavy depression, PTSD, etc. and the deep urge to end my life never went away.

I've had girlfriends that cared for me and friends, but I managed to all push them away, since my madness would otherwise destroy them, which I don't intend to do. I am just too broken for having a "normal" (sorry for using this term, I hate it) life. When I try to talk to these people about suicide they just say I should really get professional help... and THEN WHAT? I spend few month in the mental ward, I get another antidepressant and some other pharma trash to numb me even more?

I always knew, since I was a child, that I don't want this to live in this prison called "life"... this place is just cruel and fake, people generally are (at least in my personal experience) self-centered, idiotic and blind... living in a bubble...

I am just so sick of it.

There were two tries to CTB, once I wanted to jump from a rooftop when I was 13, ended up calling a friend and he picked me up. The other time I had a drug OD, which I just somehow survived, without medical assitence or hospital (nobody found me), I just woke up after few hours.
Mum tries to guilt trip me, saying how much I would hurt her and the family, she would not be able to take it, which is hilarious since she treat me like shit most of my life :D
Any on tips how to handle other people making you feel guilty?

I have ordered SN now, since I already have all the stuff I need for this method... when the time feels right, I will go do it, in peace and harmony. I plan to CTB in either in July or August.

Thanks everybody that read all this! Im happy to read some comments...

You are an incredibly strong person, very few have the courage to become independent from their families, especially at such a young age! I also ended contact with my family, I know how hard it can be.
Regarding people making you feel guilty: I guess at some point you stop caring. They are trying to make you feel guilty precisely because they know how good you are (a bad person cannot feel guilt).
I think that when dealing with evil people, us good people have a bit of a handicap, because we fail to truly understand (on an emotional level) how bad people can be. We simply cannot conceive what kind of internal forces can drive someone to try to guilt trip an innocent person. It's outside of our area of perception. It's an unknown. But what we can do is understand with our minds that such people exist, that they are remorseless, predatory and evil and that unfortunately, they probably represent the majority of the population.
I hope you manage to find peace, regardless of what you choose to do next. If you decide to live (or simply fail to overcome your survival instinct), I hope you manage to stay healthy and to earn enough money so you can afford a life of comfort, where you don't have to deal with evil people ever again.

 

[somniummalum]

You are an incredibly strong person, very few have the courage to become independent from their families, especially at such a young age! I also ended contact with my family, I know how hard it can be.
Regarding people making you feel guilty: I guess at some point you stop caring. They are trying to make you feel guilty precisely because they know how good you are (a bad person cannot feel guilt).
I think that when dealing with evil people, us good people have a bit of a handicap, because we fail to truly understand (on an emotional level) how bad people can be. We simply cannot conceive what kind of internal forces can drive someone to try to guilt trip an innocent person. It's outside of our area of perception. It's an unknown. But what we can do is understand with our minds that such people exist, that they are remorseless, predatory and evil and that unfortunately, they probably represent the majority of the population.
I hope you manage to find peace, regardless of what you choose to do next. If you decide to live (or simply fail to overcome your survival instinct), I hope you manage to stay healthy and to earn enough money so you can afford a life of comfort, where you don't have to deal with evil people ever again.

Thanks alot for your post!
"...because we fail to truly understand (on an emotional level) how bad people can be..." I felt that so much. Again and again I find myself in a situation where I can't even grasp how much of an a**hole some people can be, worst is most of those people don't even really know it themselves!
People around me are so manipulative... they are the ones being evil, then they twist and turn stuff so I end up feeling guilty about it.

 

[JD8080]

Welcome ! We are are here for the same reason !

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

First of all, sorry for my flawed english, it's not my native language!

I've been quietly reading here on this site since about a week now, I feel so reliefed reading opinions on death / suicide similar to mine, for the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm crazy for having this kinds of thoughts. I feel so moved by your tragic stories, you are all so brave.

Unfortunatly my life of 21 years has been pretty rough (pretty mild in comparison to some of your stories though..). I've been born into a broken family, father alcoholic, mother mentally ill, all three of my brothers heavy drug addicts - one of them was schizophrenic (which was indused by the drugs). I got physically and mentally abused on a daily basis my whole childhood long (ages ~4 to ~11).
Physical abuse stopped once my schizo brother got locked up, still my mother and stepfather (if I can even call him that) continued to mentally abuse me, blaming me for all their problems, making me feel like a mistake, like I don't belong, sometimes beat me, contant screaming, fighting .......

When things setteled down a bit (~18), I tried really hard to strive for a good life, doing education, going to university, doing a lot of therapy and becoming independend from my family, in which I succeeded... though all of this didn't make me happy or fulfilled at all, my mind was still plagued by heavy depression, PTSD, etc. and the deep urge to end my life never went away.

I've had girlfriends that cared for me and friends, but I managed to all push them away, since my madness would otherwise destroy them, which I don't intend to do. I am just too broken for having a "normal" (sorry for using this term, I hate it) life. When I try to talk to these people about suicide they just say I should really get professional help... and THEN WHAT? I spend few month in the mental ward, I get another antidepressant and some other pharma trash to numb me even more?

I always knew, since I was a child, that I don't want this to live in this prison called "life"... this place is just cruel and fake, people generally are (at least in my personal experience) self-centered, idiotic and blind... living in a bubble...

I am just so sick of it.

There were two tries to CTB, once I wanted to jump from a rooftop when I was 13, ended up calling a friend and he picked me up. The other time I had a drug OD, which I just somehow survived, without medical assitence or hospital (nobody found me), I just woke up after few hours.
Mum tries to guilt trip me, saying how much I would hurt her and the family, she would not be able to take it, which is hilarious since she treat me like shit most of my life :D
Any on tips how to handle other people making you feel guilty?

I have ordered SN now, since I already have all the stuff I need for this method... when the time feels right, I will go do it, in peace and harmony. I plan to CTB in either in July or August.

Thanks everybody that read all this! Im happy to read some comments...

Welcome! This place is amazing and so supportive