Hello im back..

[SN?0RN0t]

Hello everyone. Im back here after being inspired to live and keep going these past 4 years. Well…as i am back now it just didnt work out for me. 4 years i tried to keep going and all it did was mess with me. I get up a little just to be set back to square one. The years got worse over time and i have been "living" in complete hell. As small as this may seem my last straw was 40 minutes ago when i got a speeding and no insurance ticket. Yes that seems small but infact thats all it took for me to finnally give up. This isnt about the ticket. This is about this tug of war to keep going but my entire life is a shit show and unfortunately this ticket was my final straw. It feels good to be back and find the courage and best method for me to finally be able to reach euphoria

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

Welcome back. 4 years of suffering is very very long. Were there periods without suffering in that time?

 

[grapevoid]

Hello everyone. Im back here after being inspired to live and keep going these past 4 years. Well…as i am back now it just didnt work out for me. 4 years i tried to keep going and all it did was mess with me. I get up a little just to be set back to square one. The years got worse over time and i have been "living" in complete hell. As small as this may seem my last straw was 40 minutes ago when i got a speeding and no insurance ticket. Yes that seems small but infact thats all it took for me to finnally give up. This isnt about the ticket. This is about this tug of war to keep going but my entire life is a shit show and unfortunately this ticket was my final straw. It feels good to be back and find the courage and best method for me to finally be able to reach euphoria

Honestly, the way these laws work are wild. If you can't afford insurance for your vehicle, what are they trying to accomplish my charging you more money you don't have with a ticket? I've never understood this. Just another way to punish people for being poor. IMO.

Anyway, welcome back!
PS not necessarily saying you are poor just pointing out the systemic way the system punishes people who don't have money. lol.

 

[DarknessWave]

Welcome back, i hope you find everything you are looking for on your return here.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome back!

 

[SN?0RN0t]

Welcome back. 4 years of suffering is very very long. Were there periods without suffering in that time?

Very little. It was as if the universe was playing with my life. Give me a little bit of luck make me believe it can all be better and worth it to continue for a better future then take a mile away out of my courage to keep living. I pressed on i kept going for 4 years. I did everything imaginable even in the very very hard times… knowing deep down life isnt for everyone. Everyone says i should be grateful for my life because there so many who WANT to live but couldnt. And all it did was make me feel worse. I wish i could give my life away to someone who wants it but i cant. Unfortunately no matter what i did i couldnt get anywhere and i was miserable the entire time cause at the end of the day..i just never wanted to live.

Welcome back, i hope you find everything you are looking for on your return here.

Ty love. Ive been researching catching up on threads and even some old friends here have passed on too. Im so envious BUT happy they were able to finally find peace

Honestly, the way these laws work are wild. If you can't afford insurance for your vehicle, what are they trying to accomplish my charging you more money you don't have with a ticket? I've never understood this. Just another way to punish people for being poor. IMO.

Anyway, welcome back!
PS not necessarily saying you are poor just pointing out the systemic way the system punishes people who don't have money. lol.

U are very right im very very poor anything i have is from sex work.

Honestly, the way these laws work are wild. If you can't afford insurance for your vehicle, what are they trying to accomplish my charging you more money you don't have with a ticket? I've never understood this. Just another way to punish people for being poor. IMO.

Anyway, welcome back!
PS not necessarily saying you are poor just pointing out the systemic way the system punishes people who don't have money. lol.

I also agree. I mean even if i didnt get this ticket it was eventually going to bring me here. Here i was singing in my car after starting my new crap hard labor job thinking of ways i can make more to catch up on debts and finnally get insurance and fix my transmission before the car stops working… and then sirens

Welcome back, i hope you find everything you are looking for on your return here.

Thank you. I already have an idea but need to find a way to pay back my friend the money spent on me and how to aquire what i need. Im thinking of making a list of all the crazy stuff i wanna try end of life test methods out too. Like i dont think ive felt this happy in a very long time im so so happy with my decision i feel like myself again

 

[DivineSpark]

I am sorry about your struggle. I dont believe my life will get any better either...but I guess, I just have to keep going. If not for my own sake, for sake of others (family,friends) But ultimately, choice is yours. I wont judge.

 

[SN?0RN0t]

I am sorry about your struggle. I dont believe my life will get any better either...but I guess, I just have to keep going. If not for my own sake, for sake of others (family,friends) But ultimately, choice is yours. I wont judge.

Thats the darn thing! I tried that for 4 years and at the end of the day no one is worth that for me. Not friends not family not even my three cats. Not a single person is worth me continuing this useless awful miserable existence and as someone who had experienced death the euphoria i felt during the flatline was the peace i wanted and what i did to reach it. I believe full heartedly if i didnt change my mind last minute to my cats and the people i loved i wouldnt have been here. I regret it every waking moment of my life that as i lost consciousness i decided to continue to try. That was 4 years ago and i feel like ive upheld my part with the universe not wishing for my end no more attempting and live for other and myself but deep down i still didnt want to live. I spent these 4 years in a horror movie and im so tired. That is until i realized ctb is the only and best option for me.

 

[grapevoid]

I just wanted to test that and this was the last post I was on

 

[SN?0RN0t]

I am sorry about your struggle. I dont believe my life will get any better either...but I guess, I just have to keep going. If not for my own sake, for sake of others (family,friends) But ultimately, choice is yours. I wont judge.

Infact i havent been happier i finnally feel like myself again. This feeling of already knowing what peace waits for me..this time i can slip away knowing i did my very best. I thought i could wait for natural life to end but rlly…i cant im so eager to go im so eager to finnally get a do over. What i believe after we die is whatever u thought ur entire life up until ur last moment will happen. For me due to all the de ja vu and intuition i have i feel like ive lived this terrible life multiple times. All the people ive been ive felt like i known them before and there were even times ive guessed abd had visions of exact instances happening happen and finished even my best friends actions and what she will sah and do and even her it freaked us out. Its like my body/ spirit is telling me that ive done this so many times and try to guide me in the right direction but i keep failing. I even have very specific memories of when i was a child before i could speak i remember my thoughts and familiarity. Like in this photo km the girl who the lady is holding. I remember the exact conversation the exact thoughts i my head. Im so hyper aware and i know its real because ive told my mother it word for word what was said and the "smile" i mimicked from the lady (my grandma). I know its real i wasnt any older than 10 months in this picture. So idk if ill be able to get a do over again or a new life as another life but if i could redo it again... idk.

 

[grapevoid]

Thats the darn thing! I tried that for 4 years and at the end of the day no one is worth that for me. Not friends not family not even my three cats. Not a single person is worth me continuing this useless awful miserable existence and as someone who had experienced death the euphoria i felt during the flatline was the peace i wanted and what i did to reach it. I believe full heartedly if i didnt change my mind last minute to my cats and the people i loved i wouldnt have been here. I regret it every waking moment of my life that as i lost consciousness i decided to continue to try. That was 4 years ago and i feel like ive upheld my part with the universe not wishing for my end no more attempting and live for other and myself but deep down i still didnt want to live. I spent these 4 years in a horror movie and im so tired. That is until i realized ctb is the only and best option for me.

I'm of the belief that if you can't find a way or reason to live for yourself, it'll likely never get better. This isn't an attempt to sway anyone one way or another, I just don't think it's possible to really recover if you're always living for other peoples wellbeing

Infact i havent been happier i finnally feel like myself again. This feeling of already knowing what peace waits for me..this time i can slip away knowing i did my very best. I thought i could wait for natural life to end but rlly…i cant im so eager to go im so eager to finnally get a do over. What i believe after we die is whatever u thought ur entire life up until ur last moment will happen. For me due to all the de ja vu and intuition i have i feel like ive lived this terrible life multiple times. All the people ive been ive felt like i known them before and there were even times ive guessed abd had visions of exact instances happening happen and finished even my best friends actions and what she will sah and do and even her it freaked us out. It's like my body/ spirit is telling me that ive done this so many times and try to guide me in the right direction but i keep failing. I even have very specific memories of when i was a child before i could speak i remember my thoughts and familiarity. Like in this photo km the girl who the lady is holding. I remember the exact conversation the exact thoughts i my head. Im so hyper aware and i know its real because ive told my mother it word for word what was said and the "smile" i mimicked from the lady (my grandma). I know its real i wasnt any older than 10 months in this picture. So idk if ill be able to get a do over again or a new life as another life but if i could redo it again... idk.

This is quite interesting. One of my children is highly intuitive and remembers things from when he was very very young… before the age that most people have recall. It's so strange when he tells me things that are absolutely accurate and I always think how tf can he possibly remember that? He wasn't even 2! Wild

 

[SN?0RN0t]

I'm of the belief that if you can't find a way or reason to live for yourself, it'll likely never get better. This isn't an attempt to sway anyone one way or another, I just don't think it's possible to really recover if you're always living for other peoples wellbeing

This is quite interesting. One of my children is highly intuitive and remembers things from when he was very very young… before the age that most people have recall. It's so strange when he tells me things that are absolutely accurate and I always think how tf can he possibly remember that? He wasn't even 2! Wild

But unfortunately i did find it in my final moments. And frankly now it doesnt even matter cause all i did was sit here for 4 years worse off than before. And its nott even just recalling moments from young its about even before i was able to speak and have language i remember my thoughts full language in my brain i remember it all so clearly and i cant even prove it true. I remember telling myself i need to hurry and learn to walk when i was young i was so quiet and observing everything as if i was trying to speed run childhood. Idk why rlly. I remember blanking out multiple times on purpose to "skip time" and years would go by as if i was in auto pilot and then become aware again. Yes ive gone to therapy psychiatrist even fortune tellers. Ive talked to spirital people to god i tried religions. And at the end of the day i know it was all real and true. All of it is so strange