Help Hello! Getting things tidy and neat

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Hello! Thank you for having me!

I unfortunately am at a point where CTB seems to be the best option, and this forum seems to be the best place to have conversations that I cannot have elsewhere.

Here are my goals while here:

1. Try to make sure I have things as tidy as possible prior to CTB
2. Try to reduce trauma for myself and others as much as possible
3. Ask for feedback, such as asking if I'm being too rash with my decision-making
4. Talk to like-minded people (maybe those in a similar situation), and maybe have good conversation
5. If I'm lucky, find a way to survive. Maybe hear from others if they found an unexpected or obvious way out

A lot of other posts have addressed much of what I have for 1 and 2, but there are still some things to ask about, so this post will focus on my 1st and 2nd goals (as listed).
I will probably make post(s) to address 3, 4, and 5 in the future, as well as to share my situation, thoughts, and more about myself.
Private messages are welcomed (as soon as I can access them)!

Currently, my plan is to have as many logistical items figured out as possible, and I will be evaluating monthly if I'm ready to CTB, because it would not be fair to others if I didn't prepare accordingly.

Below are some of my current priorities, if anyone wants to know:
Things to do:

• Write Goodbye Note

Things to research:

• Further research SN, the method I'll probably choose, but it already looks like the best approach
• How to address some of the post-life things relating to name and identity and such

Questions:

• Should I try to get my suicide note, or an attached 'cover note', notarized?
• Do I CTB while in a body bag?
• Do I CTB in a Hotel or rented apartment?
• Below trauma reduction question

Trauma Reduction Question:
In terms of trauma reduction, I plan on reaching out to the last person I would consider a friend, and letting them know that I plan to CTB.
This is intended to give them the opportunity to ask why and such, and hopefully soften the eventual notification of my departure, so they've already pre-processed and hopefully the news is hopefully a softer blow.
For this, the goal of trying to lessen the impact on that friend and I've accepted that intervention might be attempted or initiated.
For the sake of that friend's wellbeing, is this plan ill-recommended?
Edit immediately after posting: Adjust for editing deadline

 

[lpdsvm]

A bag is a good idea if you really want to disturb nobody or not too much. I might do it, too.
The issue is it will make some noise I think when having convulsions while being unconscious. If no one will hear it's fine.
Choosing a hotel is good. I believe you got it all.

Make sure that hotel staff won't try to disturb you. I don't know. They could call or come and offer extra services. I was in simple hotels so I never had that thing. They never disturbed me.
Another thing, people die and I have seen a dead body. I saw them unexpectedly too. It was gross. It made me uncomfortable. It will make me uncomfortable no matter the cause of death. People die all the time so as for me I will prioritize me and a bag or not only if it doesn't make me uncomfortable.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

For hotel staff not disturbing, I'll probably start around 2am, at which point, I put up a sign on my door indicating that there's a deceased person within, and that emergency services should be contacted, and then start the process.
Honestly, the part of the process I'm most worried about is the photographing of my body, and possibly the removal of clothes; Don't know why that bothers me so much, especially since I won't be able to care.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Telling your friend or not depends on your priorities. Is your priority to get an intervention, or is it to ctb? If you want help, you can get it without doing this. Telling them won't soften the blow, it will only make you feel better about it, two very different things. If you tell them and they can't find any way to change your mind, they're likely to feel incredibly helpless.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Telling your friend or not depends on your priorities. Is your priority to get an intervention, or is it to ctb? If you want help, you can get it without doing this. Telling them won't soften the blow, it will only make you feel better about it, two very different things. If you tell them and they can't find any way to change your mind, they're likely to feel incredibly helpless.

I appreciate your feedback, thank you.
My priority isn't intervention, it's to get out of the situation I find myself and to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone else, and the best solution looks to be CTB.
I could try to leave the state, but it will take at least 6 months, probably more, to be able to do so, and there's no guarantee this pattern won't keep happening.

In telling them, my priority is to hopefully reduce the long term impact on them from me CTB, and reduce the surprise/shock, since they really don't do well with either.
Kind of like how a spike is smoothed out by a rolling average, and I'm worried that the spike of finding out that I CTB will overwhelm them.
And, selfishly, I want to say goodbye.
I'll leave them a note, but since a note won't be able to capture everything, I want to let them have an opportunity to ask things that might be missed in the final document they get.
They're the last person I truly care about, and I want to do the best I can for them given the likelihood of stress getting me or CTB.

So, as I understand it, I should not tell them?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I appreciate your feedback, thank you.
My priority isn't intervention, it's to get out of the situation I find myself and to eliminate the possibility of hurting anyone else, and the best solution looks to be CTB.
I could try to leave the state, but it will take at least 6 months, probably more, to be able to do so, and there's no guarantee this pattern won't keep happening.

In telling them, my priority is to hopefully reduce the long term impact on them from me CTB, and reduce the surprise/shock, since they really don't do well with either.
Kind of like how a spike is smoothed out by a rolling average, and I'm worried that the spike of finding out that I CTB will overwhelm them.
And, selfishly, I want to say goodbye.
I'll leave them a note, but since a note won't be able to capture everything, I want to let them have an opportunity to ask things that might be missed in the final document they get.
They're the last person I truly care about, and I want to do the best I can for them given the likelihood of stress getting me or CTB.

So, as I understand it, I should not tell them?

I would say no, but I'd also say that if ctbing seems like the best solution now, but is not the only possible solution, I really think you should try the other options & only ctb as an absolute last resort. Six months to a year or more isn't long in the grand scheme of things, although I understand it feels like it is when you're going through it. I wish you all the best in making these decisions.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

I would say no, but I'd also say that if ctbing seems like the best solution now, but is not the only possible solution, I really think you should try the other options & only ctb as an absolute last resort. Six months to a year or more isn't long in the grand scheme of things, although I understand it feels like it is when you're going through it. I wish you all the best in making these decisions.

Thank you for your encouragement, I really appreciate it.
Unfortunately, it's easier said than done.
- Minimal social contact outside of a few hours a week at work
- Social exile as far as I can tell, stuck in a small town, and this social exile seems to reach into the wider part of this state/region.
- 6 months to a year is the absolute best-case timeline, realistically at least two years
- I doubt I have the capacity needed to make it that long before further psychological breaks, and I definitely don't have the support system needed
- Years of professional help are needed before I can form meaningful relationships, after I escape, so that I can be sure that I won't hurt anyone
- There's no certainty that I can break the pattern

Easy solution, yes, but the only other possibility (escaping) doesn't seam realistic or achievable within the time frame I have to endure.
I've been putting out 'Hail Mary's as I've been able, but none have returned results.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

I've been working on cleaning things up, getting things tidy, working on my note, and so on.
Here's my current todo list, if anyone's interested:

Priority, but multiple can be worked on simultaneously
1. Rehome cat
2. Getting rid of physical belongings. This includes distributing to loved ones, sending to thrift stores, and so on.
3. The note. Currently in progress, but need to find a proofreader. Will get it notarized, and will do a video reading to ensure that it's clear that this is my decision.
4. Instructions for finance and cleanup, etc. Maybe a will. *shrug*
5. Sourcing SN.
6. Making final plans, picking day, etc.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Some updates:
- Found a potential home for cat, and a backup humane society if it doesn't work out
- Going through physical belongings as I can. Also means consolidating & encrypting digital life such that when I'm gone, my digital life goes too. Some redistribution has already occurred.
- Some more progress on note made, but still nowhere near done.
- Doing more research for finance/cleanup/etc.
- SN found, just have to order, task for this week.
- Final plans will be made once everything else is just about ready to go.

It's kinda weird, going through possessions and memories I don't remember. So much I've accumulated before my memory cuts off, and I don't know what to do with, so I try to do the best thing with stuff as I can.
But even without the plan to CTB, downsizing is probably a good thing to do anyway.

 

[kitkatt]

I relate with so much that you've said. I'm so sorry the world is failing us. I've downsizied I've moved in with my friends who are a couple. I've down all the things to soften the blow to the ecosystem I call life. People have always said I'm negative but just because someone's color blind doesn't mean they don't always miss color. I remember so little and so much all at the same time. I yearn for something that doesn't exist so I must too not exist.

I wish you all the clarity. Life is hard with and I wish nothing but peace for those around me

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

As I downsize, it's almost like moving, but moving to nowhere. Weird going through everything. Methodically dismantling my life and even parts of my history. Taking down the decorations and whimsy of my apartment. But also finally downsizing and getting rid of the clutter and junk that accumulates.
The most time consuming part of this will probably be scanning and shredding the non-critical documents I've accumulated, but it'll be the easiest.

This is just some processing:
There are emotions in the mix somewhere, but they're just out of grasp, and I don't know if I'll ever touch them. I don't know what kind of tears they are.
But it's going along at a good pace, almost surprisingly so, and I have time. Work on a chunk of a room or section at a time. Storage unit almost done, just 3 big things left. Office is getting there. Bedroom will be somewhat fast, just have to deal with the extra mattress and the gaming PC. Kitchen will take a while, but straightforward.
Living room is the staging area, and kind of where everything goes before it leaves my apartment. Once each room gets cleared out, things will be more straightforward.

The larger furniture can stay behind, I think, or given to someone who will appreciate it. The TV is helping me get work done (ADHD and all) but it too must find a home. I'll need just enough to get by until it's time.
Do I wear something nice to my departure, my nice clothes? Idk, just something for later.

All in all, it'll be time when it's time, and that time looks to be coming soon, and all will be well.

I relate with so much that you've said. I'm so sorry the world is failing us. I've downsizied I've moved in with my friends who are a couple. I've down all the things to soften the blow to the ecosystem I call life. People have always said I'm negative but just because someone's color blind doesn't mean they don't always miss color. I remember so little and so much all at the same time. I yearn for something that doesn't exist so I must too not exist.

I wish you all the clarity. Life is hard with and I wish nothing but peace for those around me

Yeah, the world is failing us, but worse still, I failed and fail those I care about.
I relate to what you say as well. I remember doing people wrong, but I can't remember much else.
I appreciate the well wishes, and I wish you clarity and peace for those around you too.

 

[kitkatt]

As I downsize, it's almost like moving, but moving to nowhere. Weird going through everything. Methodically dismantling my life and even parts of my history. Taking down the decorations and whimsy of my apartment. But also finally downsizing and getting rid of the clutter and junk that accumulates.
The most time consuming part of this will probably be scanning and shredding the non-critical documents I've accumulated, but it'll be the easiest.

This is just some processing:
There are emotions in the mix somewhere, but they're just out of grasp, and I don't know if I'll ever touch them. I don't know what kind of tears they are.
But it's going along at a good pace, almost surprisingly so, and I have time. Work on a chunk of a room or section at a time. Storage unit almost done, just 3 big things left. Office is getting there. Bedroom will be somewhat fast, just have to deal with the extra mattress and the gaming PC. Kitchen will take a while, but straightforward.
Living room is the staging area, and kind of where everything goes before it leaves my apartment. Once each room gets cleared out, things will be more straightforward.

The larger furniture can stay behind, I think, or given to someone who will appreciate it. The TV is helping me get work done (ADHD and all) but it too must find a home. I'll need just enough to get by until it's time.
Do I wear something nice to my departure, my nice clothes? Idk, just something for later.

All in all, it'll be time when it's time, and that time looks to be coming soon, and all will be well.


Yeah, the world is failing us, but worse still, I failed and fail those I care about.
I relate to what you say as well. I remember doing people wrong, but I can't remember much else.
I appreciate the well wishes, and I wish you clarity and peace for those around you too.

The world is falling us for sure. I remember doing wrong to people but I don't remember there wrongdoings to me for long. I know this is my year of failure. But I think they were made different and can burden it without out me so I will try not to fret best I can because surely part this there will be peace

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

The world is falling us for sure. I remember doing wrong to people but I don't remember there wrongdoings to me for long. I know this is my year of failure. But I think they were made different and can burden it without out me so I will try not to fret best I can because surely part this there will be peace

I know those I care about will be better off with me gone. I only wish I could get confirmation somehow that they will be okay and will be better off after I CTB, but that's probably not the case, so that's why I try to prepare and all that as much as I can before it's time. Peace for me doesn't matter, as long as those I care about get peace.

 

[kitkatt]

I know those I care about will be better off with me gone. I only wish I could get confirmation somehow that they will be okay and will be better off after I CTB, but that's probably not the case, so that's why I try to prepare and all that as much as I can before it's time. Peace for me doesn't matter, as long as those I care about get peace.

I don't know anything my own memory fails me daily so I don't think others will be bothered with out me. I know i probably only see the word in the way I do . But I do not see myself as special I see myself as terminally ill. Because it's only a matter of time or I or my actions take me. I've only been here this long for me idc if the world calls it selfish. And in almost 30 years I still want to end it. So I must be the problem I tell myself even though I know I am not a capitalist society is killing those of us most vulnerable.

I know those I care about will be better off with me gone. I only wish I could get confirmation somehow that they will be okay and will be better off after I CTB, but that's probably not the case, so that's why I try to prepare and all that as much as I can before it's time. Peace for me doesn't matter, as long as those I care about get peace.

Also I can't say you'll know if they get peace after, but I've spent my whole life not remembering anything so I only assume others will be better once I'm gone

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Well, I ended up ordering SN. My cat will be going to a new home on Thursday. Just have to put a lot of time into belongings and cleaning up and all that.
It feels weird getting closer and closer to the event horizon, NGL.