livingwishtodie
why ?
- Feb 22, 2024
- 38
Hi, (in my 20s)
Right now I'm fine literally I just am normal I didn't have any panic attacks in the last week or so but rn I want to feel what felt when I wanted to kms, the feeling of being mesirable, fearing everything and everyone, being cornered, and having anxiety attacks has become my addictions. Whenever I am OK for a long time I want everything to go down and think im better of being hated then loved, tortured rather than being cared for.
Also right now I am searching for triggers to make me feel depressed. And stuck in this viscous cycle for so long.
I ask myself now "do I even want to be happy", "did I ever wish to be or do I not even know what is happiness to me?"
I never knew what I wanted nor do I know now. I just wait for my death everyday like a fool, thinking it will come at my door and take me away. But when I come to senses all this rubbish self pity takes my time and I regret it.
I never wanted anyone to love me. I never want anyone to remember me. I also wanted that my family hated me once (rn I dont care about that).
I dont know if ill ever be able to fit in this society. I may live if im alone. But I cannot with people.
Because of this I push people away make them hate me and bully me, and I dont even care about it at all.
Am I weird to want all of this? I never met anyone whose like me who wants this, never even read thoughts like this.
So if someone can relate to this could you please tell me im not different and there are people like me.
Comeon dont leave me hanging. Id rather have curse words than no response makes me think I'm too different.
Sorry if I sound like a attention seeking person. I just want a little understanding about myself
Right now I'm fine literally I just am normal I didn't have any panic attacks in the last week or so but rn I want to feel what felt when I wanted to kms, the feeling of being mesirable, fearing everything and everyone, being cornered, and having anxiety attacks has become my addictions. Whenever I am OK for a long time I want everything to go down and think im better of being hated then loved, tortured rather than being cared for.
Also right now I am searching for triggers to make me feel depressed. And stuck in this viscous cycle for so long.
I ask myself now "do I even want to be happy", "did I ever wish to be or do I not even know what is happiness to me?"
I never knew what I wanted nor do I know now. I just wait for my death everyday like a fool, thinking it will come at my door and take me away. But when I come to senses all this rubbish self pity takes my time and I regret it.
I never wanted anyone to love me. I never want anyone to remember me. I also wanted that my family hated me once (rn I dont care about that).
I dont know if ill ever be able to fit in this society. I may live if im alone. But I cannot with people.
Because of this I push people away make them hate me and bully me, and I dont even care about it at all.
Am I weird to want all of this? I never met anyone whose like me who wants this, never even read thoughts like this.
So if someone can relate to this could you please tell me im not different and there are people like me.
Comeon dont leave me hanging. Id rather have curse words than no response makes me think I'm too different.
Sorry if I sound like a attention seeking person. I just want a little understanding about myself