Hello because i got a no response to "wanting people to hate me"

[livingwishtodie]

Hi, (in my 20s)
Right now I'm fine literally I just am normal I didn't have any panic attacks in the last week or so but rn I want to feel what felt when I wanted to kms, the feeling of being mesirable, fearing everything and everyone, being cornered, and having anxiety attacks has become my addictions. Whenever I am OK for a long time I want everything to go down and think im better of being hated then loved, tortured rather than being cared for.

Also right now I am searching for triggers to make me feel depressed. And stuck in this viscous cycle for so long.

I ask myself now "do I even want to be happy", "did I ever wish to be or do I not even know what is happiness to me?"

I never knew what I wanted nor do I know now. I just wait for my death everyday like a fool, thinking it will come at my door and take me away. But when I come to senses all this rubbish self pity takes my time and I regret it.

I never wanted anyone to love me. I never want anyone to remember me. I also wanted that my family hated me once (rn I dont care about that).

I dont know if ill ever be able to fit in this society. I may live if im alone. But I cannot with people.

Because of this I push people away make them hate me and bully me, and I dont even care about it at all.

Am I weird to want all of this? I never met anyone whose like me who wants this, never even read thoughts like this.

So if someone can relate to this could you please tell me im not different and there are people like me.

Comeon dont leave me hanging. Id rather have curse words than no response makes me think I'm too different.
Sorry if I sound like a attention seeking person. I just want a little understanding about myself

 

[Helween]

it's prolly not the same, but i did push friends/loved ones away because it would be easier for me to go if they hated me. Maybe you fear good things happening to you cuz it would hurt more to lose them?

 

[synchroscope]

I get it. I think at some point feeling bad starts feeling good when it's the only thing you're feeling. We all find comfort in familiarity. Almost all of my memories, especially of my childhood and teen years, are negative. The human mind wants to be comfortable. Right now the only time I'm comfortable is when I am familiarly miserable, since that's all I really know.

Edit: Can I ask, were you neglected or isolated as a child? I was, and I often see similar patterns of behavior in other children of neglect. A big part of me wanting people to hate me, wanting bad things to happen to me is because I feel like it validates what I've thought all along: I'm a bad person who nobody loves. The human mind wants to be comfortable, and it also wants desperately to be right.

 

[livingwishtodie]

I get it. I think at some point feeling bad starts feeling good when it's the only thing you're feeling. We all find comfort in familiarity. Almost all of my memories, especially of my childhood and teen years, are negative. The human mind wants to be comfortable. Right now the only time I'm comfortable is when I am familiarly miserable, since that's all I really know.

Edit: Can I ask, were you neglected or isolated as a child? I was, and I often see similar patterns of behavior in other children of neglect. A big part of me wanting people to hate me, wanting bad things to happen to me is because I feel like it validates what I've thought all along: I'm a bad person who nobody loves. The human mind wants to be comfortable, and it also wants desperately to be right.

I dont remember most of my childhood or whatever happened. My memories are very foggy. When I do remember a glimpse of some similarity of the past I feel suffocated, wanting to run away and not feel anything. It takes hours for me to get stable mindset and not kms
Maybe I got an answer but I dont know if i will be able to accept it fully.
I think there are people but a very very very small fraction who might feel this way depends on that person and their situations and emotional state.

Even if they do feel like this for all their life they have lived.

It takes times to open and say things like these and things which are odd and never talked. Like it took me more than 22 years to talk.

So yeah.

But I am a bit relieved that most people don't feel like this. If I could I would just smile at these people to convey my happiness for them.

I don't think i got any else to say

Thanks if you read this far. : )
Things like this really prove me im a fucking weirdo, but i can't happen to change myself even after trying all these years.

Sorry, it seems like I'm venting.