Hi everyone, I joined a few days ago and have been drafting my introduction since.
I'm a British male in my 50's. Have had suicidal thoughts for 30+ years but they cycle in intensity. Currently in a very deep and dark phase hence joining here. I've never felt as badly troubled by the thoughts as I am now. I'm not saying my departure is imminent but the urge is much stronger than ever before - it's like I've now crossed from suicidal thoughts to actually being suicidal.
Even at the best of times the thoughts are daily but when I'm this bad they're all consuming whenever my mind isn't actively occupied.
The truth is I really don't want to die but, more than that, I don't want to live - I'm tired of living and wish I could not wake up one morning. Life is just a perpetual nightmare. I'm pretty sure most of us probably feel that otherwise everyone would just CTB rather than live with these thoughts and feelings.
I used to be on two suicide groups but they disappeared years ago (used different user names there), as I recall one was OK and one pretty rubbish. Recently there's been a lot in the British press about an unnamed suicide forum and I honestly couldn't find it however much I searched, then one day last week I was just researching some methods and up popped a link to here.
I assume this is that forum the press hate so much??
Whatever method I eventually use it has to work first time. I don't want a failed attempt or to be saved etc. If I fail it'll be seen as a cry for help which it won't be, it must be final. Unfortunately I'm certain SI will be my nemesis.
I've swung in my thoughts through all methods. I used to think mainly about jumping from height, then in front of a train or truck. All of these are a pretty dreadful mess for others to deal with, especially the drivers. The benefit being that after the split second decision to jump there's no backing out - it's an off switch.
I also feel as though I once read somewhere that Network Rail can sue a suicide jumper's estate for damages but I've never been able to find it again or corroborate it.
In my younger life I had legal access to shotguns, wish I still did but that ship has long sailed and I'll never have that opportunity. Again, the split second decision to pull the trigger would be a literal off switch with no backing out.
I now think more about peaceful methods. A few years ago I researched "N" at length and although I didn't get close to buying it I had all worked out. It's devastating for us that N is unobtainable but even if it was easily available I don't think I would risk importing it and having customs/police pay a visit, plus there's the question of purity and having it tested. Also the problem of getting antiemetics too.
I mainly now think about using the Exit Bag with Nitrogen gas (N2) or making a CO generator. Neither are very appealing to be honest but they seem the best of the rest - until the moment of truth none of us know how our SI will kick in. I long for an instant ending but there isn't really a peaceful instant option.
I worry about the exit bag feeling claustrophobic, albeit for a few seconds. I can source a flow meter, not the simple click type we all know of (and now seemingly unavailable unless to certain professionals) but a glass tube type flow meter. It's for Argon but conversion is easy. Not too expensive either and N2 gas isn't expensive in the UK.
I first used to consider the exit bag when balloon helium was first choice and a mini fixed flow He regulator used to be available but we all know balloon He isn't preferred anymore with the added air/oxygen content. I can very easily buy a commercial bottle of pure He but haven't looked into regulating it and think N2 would be easier although I keep wondering if lighter than air He would be preferable to N2.
The CO generators look a real pain to make although I'd much rather wear a simple nasal prong than an exit bag but the supply is obviously much more difficult than buying a gas bottle. That said, I think it would be more peaceful than the exit bag.
I'll likely cycle through this and the current deepened thoughts will abate but they'll never go. I've survived them for decades now but have long believed my time will be of my own choosing unless nature or fate unexpectedly grab me first at a "younger" age. I neither want nor expect to grow old (although I appreciate 50's are old to some of you!).
A brief overview of a somewhat troubled me.
I'm a British male in my 50's. Have had suicidal thoughts for 30+ years but they cycle in intensity. Currently in a very deep and dark phase hence joining here. I've never felt as badly troubled by the thoughts as I am now. I'm not saying my departure is imminent but the urge is much stronger than ever before - it's like I've now crossed from suicidal thoughts to actually being suicidal.
Even at the best of times the thoughts are daily but when I'm this bad they're all consuming whenever my mind isn't actively occupied.
The truth is I really don't want to die but, more than that, I don't want to live - I'm tired of living and wish I could not wake up one morning. Life is just a perpetual nightmare. I'm pretty sure most of us probably feel that otherwise everyone would just CTB rather than live with these thoughts and feelings.
I used to be on two suicide groups but they disappeared years ago (used different user names there), as I recall one was OK and one pretty rubbish. Recently there's been a lot in the British press about an unnamed suicide forum and I honestly couldn't find it however much I searched, then one day last week I was just researching some methods and up popped a link to here.
I assume this is that forum the press hate so much??
Whatever method I eventually use it has to work first time. I don't want a failed attempt or to be saved etc. If I fail it'll be seen as a cry for help which it won't be, it must be final. Unfortunately I'm certain SI will be my nemesis.
I've swung in my thoughts through all methods. I used to think mainly about jumping from height, then in front of a train or truck. All of these are a pretty dreadful mess for others to deal with, especially the drivers. The benefit being that after the split second decision to jump there's no backing out - it's an off switch.
I also feel as though I once read somewhere that Network Rail can sue a suicide jumper's estate for damages but I've never been able to find it again or corroborate it.
In my younger life I had legal access to shotguns, wish I still did but that ship has long sailed and I'll never have that opportunity. Again, the split second decision to pull the trigger would be a literal off switch with no backing out.
I now think more about peaceful methods. A few years ago I researched "N" at length and although I didn't get close to buying it I had all worked out. It's devastating for us that N is unobtainable but even if it was easily available I don't think I would risk importing it and having customs/police pay a visit, plus there's the question of purity and having it tested. Also the problem of getting antiemetics too.
I mainly now think about using the Exit Bag with Nitrogen gas (N2) or making a CO generator. Neither are very appealing to be honest but they seem the best of the rest - until the moment of truth none of us know how our SI will kick in. I long for an instant ending but there isn't really a peaceful instant option.
I worry about the exit bag feeling claustrophobic, albeit for a few seconds. I can source a flow meter, not the simple click type we all know of (and now seemingly unavailable unless to certain professionals) but a glass tube type flow meter. It's for Argon but conversion is easy. Not too expensive either and N2 gas isn't expensive in the UK.
I first used to consider the exit bag when balloon helium was first choice and a mini fixed flow He regulator used to be available but we all know balloon He isn't preferred anymore with the added air/oxygen content. I can very easily buy a commercial bottle of pure He but haven't looked into regulating it and think N2 would be easier although I keep wondering if lighter than air He would be preferable to N2.
The CO generators look a real pain to make although I'd much rather wear a simple nasal prong than an exit bag but the supply is obviously much more difficult than buying a gas bottle. That said, I think it would be more peaceful than the exit bag.
I'll likely cycle through this and the current deepened thoughts will abate but they'll never go. I've survived them for decades now but have long believed my time will be of my own choosing unless nature or fate unexpectedly grab me first at a "younger" age. I neither want nor expect to grow old (although I appreciate 50's are old to some of you!).
A brief overview of a somewhat troubled me.
