You all don't deserve this.
I see many posts on here talking about how rough your childhood was, losing someone close to you, or a traumatic event. You didn't deserve that and no one should have to experience any of those things and much more. You didn't do anything wrong for these events to happen, they just did and I am sorry.
However, I did this to myself. I grew up in a middle-upperclass neighborhood, with an amazing father and an ok mother. Any necessity was covered, very safe neighborhood, and anything a child could ask for. I had every opportunity to succeed and still became less than nothing. Lets start with the fact that my entire life I have been a lazy, lying, manipulative person. I have made my parents lives more difficult than it need to be, my teachers, my peers, all because I didn't want to do some basic task. I faked a severe illness for multiple years just because I didn't like where I was living, or to skip school. Id lie about things to get what I wanted, or sometimes for no reason at all. I seem nice on the outside, but really I do everything for myself. Actually, I don't even do that, because if I did I would be somewhere right now.
I have just always been so lazy and unmotivated even with massive aspirations. I wanted to be an athlete. Now im just an ugly skinny kid. If my 10 year old self saw me now, he would tell me to kill myself. So I see it now as the only option, but the part that hurts is that I will die just as some "sweet quiet kid who got the short end of the stick". In reality, I pulled the longest one but burnt it entirely on my own. I either wanna die happy with myself, or honest. But I can never do that because it will only hurt them more.
~Sorry for ranting nonsense just wanted to put it into words. Be well.
I see many posts on here talking about how rough your childhood was, losing someone close to you, or a traumatic event. You didn't deserve that and no one should have to experience any of those things and much more. You didn't do anything wrong for these events to happen, they just did and I am sorry.
However, I did this to myself. I grew up in a middle-upperclass neighborhood, with an amazing father and an ok mother. Any necessity was covered, very safe neighborhood, and anything a child could ask for. I had every opportunity to succeed and still became less than nothing. Lets start with the fact that my entire life I have been a lazy, lying, manipulative person. I have made my parents lives more difficult than it need to be, my teachers, my peers, all because I didn't want to do some basic task. I faked a severe illness for multiple years just because I didn't like where I was living, or to skip school. Id lie about things to get what I wanted, or sometimes for no reason at all. I seem nice on the outside, but really I do everything for myself. Actually, I don't even do that, because if I did I would be somewhere right now.
I have just always been so lazy and unmotivated even with massive aspirations. I wanted to be an athlete. Now im just an ugly skinny kid. If my 10 year old self saw me now, he would tell me to kill myself. So I see it now as the only option, but the part that hurts is that I will die just as some "sweet quiet kid who got the short end of the stick". In reality, I pulled the longest one but burnt it entirely on my own. I either wanna die happy with myself, or honest. But I can never do that because it will only hurt them more.
~Sorry for ranting nonsense just wanted to put it into words. Be well.
